Summer 2014: Reading, Gardening, and Being "Busy"

I am seriously lagging on keeping up with blogging, which really bums me out because I do enjoy writing and it's such a simple way for me to process life and keep a record of what we've been up to.  So...two months later, here I am again.

Our summer hasn't been exceptionally busy, except that it always feels like we're busy.  Why is that?  We're not going on vacation or doing anything that's really outside of our normal routine.  Maybe it's just what happens when your children outnumber you.  I don't know, but I feel like we are non-stop all the time.  I do find that my children tend to nap better if we have something to do outside of the home in the morning, so I try to plan outings at least two or three days a week.  We usually go to the library once a week and alternate between the Bridgewater and Harrisonburg libraries so that we're not at the same place every week.  Ellie and Piper really love going to the library (mostly because they have lots of fun toys...I wish they would get a little more excited about picking out books but I guess we'll get there eventually).  They are also enrolled in the summer reading program, so for every two hours of reading time (me reading to them, since they can't read yet) they get a small prize, such as a coupon for free ice cream or donuts.  Sometimes I want to say, "Where's my prize?  I'm the one reading to them..." but oh well.  I guess my reward is knowing that I'm being a good parent/first educator by reading A LOT...but sometimes mommies need donuts and ice cream, too!  My kids get rewarded for me reading to them, but I suppose it does take some effort on their part to listen to me read.  And you better believe that when we go redeem those donut coupons I'm going to buy a donut for myself.

Speaking of reading, Ellie harasses me pretty much any time I ask her to look at a book.
Ellie: (whiny, frustrated voice) "But MOM, how can I read this?!?!?  I can't READ it yet!!!"
Me: (whiny, frustrated voice) "Just look at the pictures, Ellie!  We're having quiet reading time...I know you can't read yet, but you can look at the pictures and be quiet for 5 minutes!"
Ellie: (increasingly frustrated with me) "MOOOOOMMMMMYYYY, I can't read it!!!"
Me: (increasingly frustrated with her...deeeeep breath) "Okay...let's sound out the letters..."
So then "quiet reading time" doesn't really happen the way I want it to, but obviously this child is so ready to begin learning to read.  She's already read her first real word ("club") by sounding out the individual letters and then putting them together (she was looking at the LEGO Club Magazine, which is a free subscription!).  So my goal for the fall is to start teaching this child how to read.  She already has the basic phonics down, so now I just need to focus on the actual reading part.  I really wasn't quite prepared to start teaching Ellie to read at 4 years old, but I always said that I would wait until she was interested and not push it...it's just that in her case she's ready a bit earlier than I anticipated so now I need to step up to meet her enthusiasm for it.  I was already planning on doing some basic preschool-type stuff with her anyway, since she's not enrolled in a Pre-K program for this coming year and I have a mental list of things I'd like for her to be able to do before she goes into Kindergarten.  There's a list of 71 things your child needs to know before Kindergarten written by a former teacher that I appreciate being able to refer to...and I would say most of the things on that list have more to do with your child's disposition, behavior, and curiosity and not so much the specific, academic tasks (although they're on there, too).

Of course, we also try to plan play dates with friends to keep us busy, and we usually go to the children's museum once every week or two for something extra fun (thank you, Granny, for the membership!).  This is probably bad, but I tend to avoid the playground.  It's just really hot, and I'm always wearing Grace in the Ergo carrier, and I sweat SO bad by the end of it.  I'm basically "pregnant on the outside" (Billy's phrasing) when I wear her.  I love the convenience of it, and Grace especially loves it since she's a snuggler, but it gets overwhelmingly hot sometimes.  So yeah, the playground isn't my favorite.

We planted a garden this year...it's really a container garden, since I didn't want to dig up the ground and all that until I knew if this was something I could actually handle or not.  I've always thought of myself as having a brown thumb...everything dies under my watch, because I'm just really bad about watering and weeding and all that.  I'm lazy.  That's really what it is, so let's just go ahead and call it.  Anyway, I got the crazy idea to try, yet again, to keep something alive...so on Mother's Day weekend we went to Lowe's and bought a few already-established plants, put them in some large pots we found in the garage, and....ta-da!  They are GROWING.  We actually grew something and didn't kill it.  I think I'm still in shock over it.  Well, we did kill one plant, but it was NOT my fault.  We had the pot under the gutter on the garage, and apparently all is not the way it should be there, because anytime it rains water just pours down in that one spot.  So that poor little plant bit the dust pretty early because it just got drowned.  It's probably still my fault, as I should have looked at the area before putting the pot there, but oh well.  The strawberry plant also got hit pretty hard by the water, but I've also heard those are finicky plants anyway.  So, long story short, we've got tomatoes, zucchini, green bell peppers, jalapeños, cayenne peppers, and cucumbers growing like crazy and it's been a lot of fun for me.  So now that I know what is pretty easy to care for, I'd like to do it again next year and plant a real garden (you know, in the ground and all that).  The girls have really enjoyed helping water the garden and checking on the vegetables as they grow....although I think I might be burning them out on cucumbers.

What our produce basket looks like on a daily basis

Grace just turned six months old this past week, so she had her big checkup today.  All is well and she's as healthy as she can be, but of course I went into the appointment worried about one thing or another.  She's been quite demanding about eating and still doesn't sleep great every night (although that's getting better) and I was concerned about her weight gain and whether she was getting enough to eat.  She has gained one pound since her four-month appointment, which caused her to drop to the 10th percentile for weight....so of course I was feeling worried.  But our doctor, God bless her, came into the room and immediately said, "Please don't worry about her weight.  This is just genetics."  Grace went up a percentile in length and her head circumference is right on track, which indicates that her nutrition is fine.  When the doctor asked how much she's nursing (6 times per day) and if she's eating solids (4 ounces in purees twice a day, plus food from my plate sometimes PLUS Cheerios or puffs!) she said that she was getting PLENTY to eat and that she's just a hungry girl.  She reassured me that there was no reason to stop nursing, but to just keep offering solids as much as she wants and that she will be just fine.  She also recommended coconut oil for our thrush problem, which I hope will help.  I just appreciate having a doctor who is kind and listens to my concerns without belittling me or getting overzealous about "treating problems."

This is how I got my writing done today...can you see that she is up on her knees?!?! 

On her knees with her belly off the floor...booty in the air is her favorite way to be!

Well, I guess that's us in a nutshell right now.  To close, I'm posting links to some of my favorite books I've read so far this year (I've been reading a lot this summer, which has been SO nice!).

French Kids Eat Everything by Karen Le Billon: I have always desired for our kids to not be super picky eaters, and I would say for the most part they're not, but I'm also curious to see how other people do things.  This book was an interesting perspective on French food culture and, while I don't agree with everything, I thought it had some interesting suggestions and ideas.
The Sexually Confident Wife by Shannon Ethridge:  I hope this isn't too much information, but let me just say that this was a great and helpful book and I would recommend it to any woman who might struggle with sexual confidence within marriage.
Maisie Dobbs by Jacqueline Winspear: I have always enjoyed mysteries, and this is the first in a series of 10 that I just loved.  I am also a huge fan of historical fiction...set in the time between WWI and WWII, this book was right up my alley.  If you like strong female characters and history, this one will be a win.
The Little Bookstore of Big Stone Gap by Wendy Welch: I've recently discovered that I love reading memoirs so this was a good read.  Obviously I love books (and what book lover hasn't dreamed of opening a book store?) so this one really resonated with me.
Dad is Fat by Jim Gaffigan: We think Jim Gaffigan is hilarious, so of course I had to read his book.  Some parts were familiar if you've listened to any of his skits, but I still really enjoyed this one and laughed out loud quite a bit.  Despite the antics of his kids, he loves being a dad and that's always encouraging for those of us in the trenches of parenthood.
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot: This is the true story of the acquisition and use of HeLa cells, which have been used in all forms of scientific experimentation, and the backstory on Henrietta Lacks' family and how this has impacted them.  This was a sobering story that really made me think about how the pursuit of knowledge can impact everyday people and what those long-term effects on a person's family look like.
The Secret Keeper by Kate Morton: Another historical fiction novel that I really enjoyed.  A bit mysterious and creepy; definitely a favorite.
Elephant Trunk Steaks and Other Adventure Stories by Dr. Larry Fogle and Sallie Fogle: This was a fun and eye-opening book for me.  I love reading about missionaries and their stories of how God provides in dire circumstances, but it's also fun to read about their adventures and just the culture shock that might be experienced.  This book was written by Billy's uncle and aunt, so it was especially interesting for me to get to know their history a little better and I was really blessed by their story.  They've also written Termite Meatloaf and Other Adventure Stories, and I think they'll be coming out with a third book sometime in the future.  Can't wait!
The Language of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh: This is a coming-of-age story that incorporates the Victorian-era idea that flowers have very particular, emotional meanings.  Heartbreaking, but I love the overarching themes of restoration and reconciliation.  A worthwhile read.

Struggles

Life has been interesting lately.  Maybe a bit more challenging, although I'm thankful it's coming now rather than when Grace was born, so we've had 4 months to get used to this family of 5 lifestyle.  All three of our children are going through very different things all at the same time, so Billy and I are trying to work with each of them individually on very different things...anyway, it's complicated.

Grace is waking up at 4 or 5 in the morning pretty much every day, and we think it's her natural sleep cycle ending which is causing her to wake up.  Ellie did the same thing, but she would usually just jabber for a little while and then go back to sleep.  Grace, being a pacifier sleeper, just cries until we give her the pacifier, then she goes back to sleep.  Thankfully she's not awake for a long time and it's a quick fix, but this happens at least once an hour from 4-7 am (and sometimes every 30 minutes).  So I'm running downstairs multiple times in the wee hours of the morning and it's getting exhausting.  She did do better last night and slept from 11 pm-6 am, and then I gave her the pacifier and she slept until 7 which is when I normally feed her anyway.  I'm so thankful for that, because we had a crazy day yesterday and I desperately needed the sleep.  Grace is also not nursing very well (in my opinion, although the doctor said she's fine) so that's stressing me out a little.  Maybe she's a super fast eater (Piper was, but she was also a pretty chubby baby so I didn't worry too much about it)...5 minutes just doesn't seem long enough to me.  We are slowly trying out solids to see if maybe she's just ready for more food.

Piper had a BAD day yesterday.  She threw a temper tantrum at dinner last night which isn't unusual for her, so we put her in time out in her bed like normal.  Well, she totally lost it.  Screaming at the top of her lungs, banging on the crib, typical crazy toddler stuff.  Then she climbed out of her crib.  Like it was no big deal.  We put her back in, and she immediately did it again.  And did it a third time.  So now we're looking at converting her crib to a toddler bed.  I'm so not looking forward to this, since she's not the best with boundaries, but we're afraid of her getting hurt so we'll just have to go for it.  If you remember, Ellie didn't move out of her crib until she was almost 3 and a half.  So putting a two year old in the toddler bed is just scary to me.  She's also ripping her diaper off every now and then, which then results in a very wet bed in the morning.  I really want to potty train her but I just don't think she's ready yet, and I don't want to repeat the mistakes I made with Ellie.

Ellie is giving the terrible threes one last hurrah before she turns four in August.  She's dramatic and everything is a crisis in her world (not abnormal for little ones anyway, just super annoying sometimes).  She's had some attitude problems, which include disobedience and disrespect toward certain adults (mainly me) and she's thrown a handful of pretty horrible tantrums.  She had her very worst tantrum in Target last week....it was so bad that I left my cart full of stuff in the middle of the store.  I've never done that in my whole life, but I had no choice that day.  Or rather, I did have a choice, and I chose to follow through with the consequences for her instead of giving in to make her be quiet.  It was bad....so bad.  I shudder when I think about it.

So, honestly, this isn't a very uplifting post.  I feel like I'm screwing up my kids left and right.  Like I'm a crappy mom and I don't know what I'm doing.  There are days when I feel like our children hate me and how in the world will they ever know I love them when I spend so much time correcting and disciplining?  They are beautiful and precious and SO loved, but they are driving me crazy.

On top of our kid drama, our kitchen faucet broke last night.  I had been washing dishes, and when I turned the faucet off I heard a pop and then water started gushing out under the sink at full blast.  It very quickly flooded the cabinets, so I'm yelling for Billy (who was watching the kids at the time) and trying to pull everything out of the cabinets before it got completely soaked (which happened within seconds anyway).  We both searched for the shut off valve under the sink and couldn't find it, so Billy runs down to the basement while I just watch water pouring onto the floor.  The shut off valve for our sink was in the basement next to the water heater....so to turn the water off to the sink turns the water off to the whole house.  So we had no water until about 11:00 this morning.  Thankfully dinner was basically done by the time that all happened last night and we had plenty of stuff to drink in the refrigerator.  But man it created a huge mess in the basement.  Our whole laundry room below was flooded and Billy had to use the shop vac to get rid of most of the water, then mopped and mopped and mopped.  It still took overnight with fans blowing to dry everything out because of the humidity.  Our landlord replaced the faucet this morning and it's actually much nicer than the one we had, so that's a perk.  After having a cup of coffee and a shower I started feeling much better.  Clean running water is such a gift.

I don't know, y'all.  Life is just kinda trying right now.  God is stretching us in many ways, not even considering the struggles we're facing with our children.  Every time we get our finances under control something else hits us.  Every time we all get well, something happens like allergies,  vomiting, baby doesn't poop for 12 days, or cutting a chunk out of my hand with a broken glass (all have happened within the last week).  I'm just tired and discouraged.  I'm blessed and so thankful for this life, but it's just hard today.  Forgive me for being such a downer?  I just needed a place to get it all out.  This is proof that I don't have it together (I don't think anyone thinks that anyway, but it needed to be said haha).

Piper is Two!

My sweet Piper is now two years old!  This girl is so precious and crazy, I definitely want to remember these things about her when she's older.  Here is an update on Piper:

• Stats: Just shy of 29 pounds, and 35 and 1/4 inches tall.  75th percentile all around. 
• Nicknames: Pipes, Pipey, Schmunchkin, Butternut Squash
• Favorite foods: EVERYTHING.  Seriously, there's not much this girl doesn't like, except for maybe eggs.  She is especially enthusiastic about pasta, bananas, chocolate milk, and peanut butter/nutella sandwiches.  Yep, we're pretty healthy around here ;)
• Favorite movies/shows: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, and Princess Sophia
• Favorite things to do: Piper loves to play with whatever Ellie has...which is why my kids fight as much as they do haha.  Right now, Piper really enjoys scribbling on the magna doodle, playing dress up, building with blocks, taking care of her baby dolls, visiting the library, and going down the slide on the playground.
• Favorite games: Chasing Ellie, playing in her pop-up tent, dancing to music, and singing songs ("Jesus Loves Me," "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," etc.)
• Favorite books: Anything by Sandra Boynton (but especially Doggies), Pete the Cat and His Four Groovy Buttons by Eric Litwin
• Things she's good at: She's very verbal and picks up new words and phrases easily.  She is very sweet toward Grace and says "hi, Gracie!" all the time.  She's also hilarious and makes all of us laugh, and definitely knows how to be so cute that no one can stay mad at her.  She is also REALLY good at screaming....
• Things she's not so good at: Hmm.  Screaming is not my favorite.  Sharing is a big challenge right now, and she also gets scared very easily.  She can be pretty headstrong when she wants to be, but maybe that will be a good thing someday?! :)
• Funny things she says/does: She calls her favorite blanket "Fuzzy" and likes to pick fuzz off of it with one hand while sucking her thumb on the other hand; says "goodness gracious" quite often; names all of the princesses in her own way, such as Tee-nana, Sweeping Booty, Punzel, and Cin-wewa; begs to be tickled by her Daddy before bed and then screams at the top of her lungs when he does it; likes to pray before bed, which almost always goes like this: "Dear God, thank you for Daddy, Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Mommy, Daddy, Ellie, Gracie, Mommy, Daddy, bleekie-boopie-blaggie-goobie-blah (unintelligible), in Jesus' name, Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaamen!"

This girl is so sweet.  I can't believe it's already been two years since she was born.  She is the most ridiculous, adorable, strong-headed little girl I know.  She knows what she wants and isn't afraid to make that known.  She can be very cuddly and quiet, and the next minute she's screaming at the top of her lungs (and that could mean she's extremely happy or extremely angry!).  She has the most beautiful big brown eyes and the cutest little potbelly (which she loves to show off by lifting her shirt and rubbing or patting her belly).  Her hair is wild and if it's not pulled back she looks a little like Bozo the Clown with it puffing out at the sides.  She talks so well and one of her favorite phrases right now is, "I want to do it by myself!"  She loves her sisters and I can already tell that all three of them will be so close.  She can hold her own with Ellie and while it frustrates me to tears, it also makes me a little proud at how tough she is.  I am so blessed to be this little girl's mama and she has taught me so much...she is my strong, funny, wild child and I wouldn't change that for anything.  We love you, sweet Pipey-girl!  

Goals Update and a Dilemma

I thought it was time for a little check-in.  I mentioned a TON of goals and lifestyle changes in my last post and thought nap time would be a good time to (quickly) update (you never know when those little rascals will wake up...)

Let's see...physically things are going really well.  I chopped most of my hair off, so even though I had a little bit of shock over that, it feels good to start fresh.  I had my 6 week postpartum checkup last Friday and I am completely healed from my c-section.  The incision has healed perfectly (I am so thankful I've never had any issues with that!) and I'm feeling good.  I've been keeping up with the food diary on MyFitnessPal and so far that's going well, I've lost 4 pounds (which feels pretty lame compared to Billy's 20 or so pounds lost, but oh well haha).  I'm trying to keep in mind that my weight loss is always slow, usually averaging 1-2 pounds per week and that it's okay as long as I keep it up.  I'm also making milk to feed a small human, so I have to keep that in mind :). I have 13 pounds to go until I'm at my healthy BMI/pre-pregnancy weight, and then after that whatever I lose will just be icing on the cake.  I do feel like I'm eating a lot better than I was and we're definitely eating better as a family since Billy is doing this, too.

Since everything checked out okay with the midwife, I started some legitimate exercise this week.  I am SO out of shape.  Like, really bad.  Billy has been doing Nike+ Kinect Training for several weeks now and it has worked really well for him.  We bought a Kinect sensor to go with the Xbox 360 last year (using gift cards, of course!) and he bought the Nike game as a way to be held accountable for working out.  Definitely worth it.  We can't really afford a gym membership that includes childcare, so this is the next best thing for us.  It's pretty accurate and detects when you're doing things incorrectly and also changes up the workouts throughout the week so you're getting a good mixture of strength training and cardio.  I took the initial fitness test on Tuesday and I can definitely see where my strengths and weaknesses are.  Anything to do with lower body strength is good, but upper body strength was rough...aka nonexistent.  You would think with carrying all these kids around I would be strong, but nope.  I have done two workouts so far and I am SO sore today so I guess it's working.  I planned my workout days to be the same as Billy's so that I can be held accountable by him.

Mentally I'm doing well.  I'm thankful that my hormonal adjustment has been easier this time around, so I'm not laying on the floor crying like I did after Piper was born (seriously, that happened more than once).  I still get stressed and aggravated throughout the day, but I don't feel as overwhelmed by life as I have in the past (again...after Piper was born.  Poor girl, I hope she doesn't get a complex because I keep referring to how difficult she was!).  Spiritually, my prayer life is great thanks to Grace needing to eat late at night/early in the morning, which is pretty much my only opportunity for total silence in this house :).  I'm still struggling with reading on a daily basis.  It seems like I'll have a couple good days and then several where I totally neglect to do this.

Relationally I think I'm doing okay.  Billy and I are trying to have more regular date nights, which means we have to be a lot more creative since these are happening at home.  Last Friday I planned date night, which included Chipotle takeout, dessert, and playing Zumba and Just Dance demos on the Xbox.  Those games would be worth buying for all of the hilarity that ensued.  I'm continuing with book club, MOMS group, and trying to get together with friends, but lately some of those things have been canceled due to snow.  I LOVE snow, but I'm also ready for some warmer days so that the girls and I can get outside.  I'm kinda tired of being cooped up in the house these days.

One area that has been on our minds lately has to do with future children.  This is pretty personal, but I feel okay sharing this since I know the people who read this blog care about our family and will either pray for us, encourage us, or at least keep negative comments to themselves.  During my surgery with Grace, the OBGYN said that my uterus was very thin, like paper.  If I were to get pregnant again, I would have a higher risk for uterine rupture, which is a very serious complication.  Billy and I knew we wanted to have at least three children...now that we're there, we're not really sure if we're done or not.  At 25 years old, I feel too young to say we're done, but I'm not ready to say that we will have more.  We love being parents...it has been one of the best gifts God has given us.  We've been praying a lot about what God wants for our family (including how many children we have).  This is such a touchy subject for some people and everyone has a different opinion on it.  We love our children and believe each one is a blessing from God.  I've never wanted to place a "limit" on that and say that we're only going to have X number of kids and then we're done, but when you have risks to consider, what do you do?  This is obviously something that won't be answered right now, but will just take time and prayer.  On one hand, it makes me so sad to think that we might be done having children.  On the other, I think about how wonderful it's been to have these three beautiful girls so close in age and I think about how much fun we'll have in the future as they grow up.  Just think about it...we'll have a 13 year old, 15 year old, and 17 year old all at the same time! :)  I also look forward to the day when everyone in this house is potty trained haha.  Long story short, I have a lot of conflicting emotions about this and it's something that I just need to trust God with the outcome.  I have always been a planner, but I just can't plan around this right now and that's hard for me to accept sometimes.  So for now, I'm treating our little Gracie as if she were our last baby.  It makes every milestone so bittersweet, but it also makes the difficult parts (the fussiness, getting up in the middle of the night, etc.) a little easier because I realize that this might be the last time and that I've gotta see the good parts in those hard things, too.  I may not have another newborn, so I've got to treasure all of it while I can.

In closing, I leave you with some pictures of these sweet babies:

Getting into a Routine

Our Gracie girl is now one month old.  Not sure how that happened because it feels like she came home with us yesterday, but man is she a joy.  I am really loving being her mommy.

I hate that it's taken me three and a half years of motherhood to finally embrace and enjoy this difficult newborn stage, but I'm thankful that God has helped me get to that point finally.  I have to be honest...I am not in love with newborns.  They cry easily, I never know what they need when they do cry (sleep? food? diaper change?), and I really dislike not sleeping through the night.  Ellie wasn't a super difficult newborn once we got her reflux issues under control, but I remember being so annoyed (almost angry) getting up in the middle of the night to feed her.  We were blessed that she started sleeping through the night pretty early (started at 7 weeks and by 10 weeks didn't turn back).  Piper fought sleep from the beginning and didn't sleep through the night consistently until 8 months old...oh my goodness that was hard for me.  She had some reflux/dairy intolerance issues that we didn't recognize and so we got into a pretty difficult cycle of just doing whatever we could to keep her happy (which meant I nursed her in the middle of the night quite frequently just to stop the crying).  She also slept in our walk-in closet, so we heard ALL of her noises and she didn't really have an opportunity to learn to self-soothe like Ellie did.

Grace is by no means a perfect baby (she really likes to fight daytime naps and sometimes we just end up holding her to keep the peace in the evenings), but I feel more relaxed as a mother this time.  Yes, her crying still frays my nerves and there are many times that I don't know what to do for her, but I also realize that this time is fleeting compared to the rest of her life and we will come out on the other side of it.  Piper taught me that, for sure.  Those 8 months of not sleeping through the night were really hard, but she is a great nighttime sleeper now and I know that there will come a day when I will get solid rest again.  Grace actually does really well at night and is only getting up once to eat.  One thing that has really helped my sanity with Grace is that she is on a pretty consistent schedule.  Ellie fell into her routine without a lot of work on our part (I think mainly because she was a NICU baby and they regulated her feedings from the beginning).  She has always been our flexible child and really doesn't seem fazed by changes in her routine, so I never worried much about her eating at the same time every day because she just went along with the flow.  Piper didn't really have much of a schedule because I was just dying to get sleep anytime I could.  I didn't give her a consistent wake up time every day and so every day looked different.  With Grace, I have tried to keep her wake up time pretty consistent (somewhere around 8:00 am).  There are some days that she gets up at 7:30 and others I'll wake her up at 8:30, but for the most part the rest of the day looks the same.  I think it's easier this time around because Ellie and Piper have a pretty consistent daily schedule, so I've tried to tailor Grace's feedings around their routine (a.k.a. everyone naps at the same time in the afternoon so that I can get a break!).  I will also say that this noise machine has been a lifesaver at night since Grace is still sleeping upstairs with us.  We just set it on white noise and I think it's made a huge difference for both Grace and me.  She sleeps soundly at night and it also drowns out some of those little noises she does in her sleep, so I'm sleeping better, too.  We also put her in the pack and play just outside of our bedroom, so I'm able to shut the door between our room and where she sleeps and that little bit of separation helps so much.

Now that we have found our daily rhythm as a family again, I'm ready to start moving forward in life.  I felt like my whole pregnancy with Grace was just a time for me to rest and survive, which isn't a bad thing, but I'm really tired of that "stagnant" feeling.  I am trying to focus on getting back to myself, which means a lot of different things I guess.  I'm breaking this down into sections:

Mentally: First, I'm working on letting go of anxiety and stress and trying to be more relaxed.  This isn't exactly an easy task with being a mom to three little girls 3 and under, but I also think a lot of it has more to do with attitude rather than circumstances.  What does my outlook on life look like?  Am I approaching this life with an attitude of thankfulness and joy or am I anxious and negative?  Am I taking time for myself throughout the day to recharge or am I running myself ragged?  These are questions I'm trying to ask myself throughout the day.

Spiritually: I have really neglected reading Scripture for myself in the last few months, so I'm trying to improve in that area.  We've been reading through The Beginner's Bible with the girls, but that doesn't really count as personal quiet time haha.  My goal is to have some type of daily Bible reading time without overthinking it.  I have always struggled on and off with reading the Bible regularly, and I think it's because I tend to get frustrated with devotionals and whether they're "scholarly" or not.  However, when I try reading the Bible on my own without some sort of guidance I often get stuck or give up after a while because I'm not sure what to read next.  I'm now realizing that it's better to read something than nothing at all, so I'm going through My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers again.  Eventually I would like to purchase a new devotional that I haven't read (maybe Jesus Calling by Sarah Young) but for now the point is to read God's word every day and be refreshed by that.

Physically: Now that Grace is one month old, I'm slowly starting to get myself back to normal physically.  I've lost 20 pounds since her birth without trying (mostly due to getting the baby out, not being swollen anymore, and having the flu for 4 days), but I still have 15-20 more pounds to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight.  I signed up for MyFitnessPal and downloaded the free app for my iPhone to start journaling my diet and exercise throughout the day.  I've done Weight Watchers twice now (after Ellie and Piper were born) and that worked really well for me, but I really don't want to pay for a membership if I can get a free version elsewhere.  I've heard great things about MyFitnessPal so I decided to give it a try and so far I really like it.  It's actually set up just like Weight Watchers Online except that you're counting calories instead of points (and it's free to use!).  I also really like that I can scan the barcode on something I've eaten and add it to my food diary that way instead of searching through a list of foods (although you can do it that way, too).  I did some light yoga yesterday as my first day of real exercise and that was good (although I can't believe how out of shape I am!).  Anyway, I'm looking forward to losing the rest of my pregnancy weight and eventually working toward getting stronger and more active on a daily basis.  I've also resolved to take care of myself a little more, meaning I need to go spend some of that Christmas money on new clothes.  I also made myself a hair appointment for Thursday (since I haven't had a haircut--or even a trim--since September 2012...yes, a year and a half!) and I'm getting my eyebrows waxed--a real luxury haha.

Family: There are a few things here that I'm trying to work on.  We're currently reading Hands Free Mama in our book club, which is all about letting go of distractions so that we can focus on the things that really matter.  I'm trying to spend more time paying attention to my children than my phone and less time on Facebook and more time being with them.  This is hard, because I often want to retreat for a moment to zone out, but my kids need to know that I'm listening and aware of what they're doing instead of saying, "Yeah, uh-huh, okay go play now."  I also want to be more intentional about paying attention to Billy and strengthening our marriage.  Now that we have three kids, we are outnumbered and it's harder to have that time to focus on each other, but it's still totally doable and we just have to work at it a little.  I want to be a better wife to him and this is something I've neglected while I was in "pregnancy survival mode."

Socially: This seems like an odd thing to work on, but I want to be more intentional about my relationships.  I want to invest in other people and serve them, while also allowing myself to be encouraged by the people I'm around.  I'm a natural introvert so I tend to shy away from social situations (except with people close to me), but I've found since becoming a mom that I really need to be around other people sometimes so that I can get a little perspective on life.  I want to make more of an effort to spend quality time with friends, so I'm trying to say yes a little more often than I say no while also having discernment about what is best for our family.

I know this seems like a really long, overwhelming list, but these are all things I've started working on in moderation and my goal is to slowly get better and better at them.  I don't think I'll ever check all of this off a to-do list, but I really just want to embrace this life I've been given and enjoy every season even while things aren't perfect.  I don't want to wait until my kids are grown to focus on my husband, and I don't want to let life pass me by while I stay cocooned inside what's comfortable for me (being out of shape, unsocial, anxious, and stagnant).  I really want this season of my life to be a time for me to grow into who God made me to be instead of holding back out of fear.  I've been on the cusp of this for a long time and I've made significant progress over the past few years, but it's really time for me to just dive in and do it instead of thinking about it.

And now I leave you with some pictures of my cuties:

This is Ellie's "rocket ship" made out of chairs :)

Piper is practicing sitting on the potty (fully clothed haha) and Ellie thought it would be a good idea to read her a story.

Grace is a strong little girl already (just like her big sisters!)

If this isn't the cutest thing I've ever seen...it seriously makes the craziness worth it when I see how loving my girls can be toward each other!

Grace's Birth Story (and my crazy postpartum experience)

It's time for me to write down Grace's birth story!  I'm so afraid I'll forget all of these details (things are already getting a little fuzzy for me and she's only 2.5 weeks old!).  Each of my girls has their own unique story of coming into the world and I always try to get it written out so that I can put a copy of it in their baby books for future reference. :)  So here it is!

The morning of Grace's birth started off well.  I got up a little earlier than normal so that I could get ready and finish packing.  Bonnie (Billy's mom) had spent the night with us, so she was able to get the girls up and eating breakfast so that I could focus on getting those last few things done.  I remember after getting myself completely ready I just sat on the bed in silence.  I had been so excited leading up to her birth that I hadn't really felt nervous, but in that moment it all hit me that we were having our third child and that I would be having abdominal surgery for the third time.  I started thinking about Ellie and Piper and how their little worlds were getting ready to change and that Piper wouldn't be my baby anymore...needless to say, I got a little overwhelmed emotionally.  I did the exact same thing the morning that Piper was born and even in the midst of being all hormonal I laughed at myself.  After the girls finished breakfast they came upstairs to our bedroom so I could have a few minutes alone with them.  I felt sad and happy, excited and freaked out all at the same time.  The girls, of course, were completely wrapped up in having Grandma with us and I don't think they even picked up on my awkwardness.  I think Ellie understood what was happening since we had explained that Mommy and Daddy were going to the hospital to have Grace and that she would be able to come visit us later that evening, but Piper at 21 months old could care less haha.

Billy and I headed to the hospital after that.  He kindly ate breakfast in the car in front of me (while I'm fasting and can't eat or drink anything...) but I did give him permission so I guess I can't fuss about it too much haha.  We got to the hospital at 9:30, took a few pictures outside, and then went to check in.

40 weeks with Grace!

Everything that happened next was identical to how it went with Piper.  We got checked in at registration and got my wristband and paperwork, went up to the family birthplace, and a nurse escorted us to one of the little waiting rooms for surgical patients.  I put on one of those awesome (not) paper nightgowns and got hooked up to the IV.  I was actually pretty excited about getting some IV fluids this time because I was still recovering from a pretty bad cold and had the worst sore throat of my life (seriously!).  I was SO thirsty and getting the fluids actually helped my throat feel a little better.  They put a monitor on me to listen to Grace's heartbeat for 20 minutes (every time I coughed her heart rate would go way up and Billy said I was scaring her!) and I answered a zillion questions.  I got blood drawn, a nausea patch put behind my ear to prevent vomiting from the anesthesia, and talked with my nurses, anesthesiologist, OBGYN, and midwife.  Even though I was having a repeat cesarean I chose to have midwife care throughout my pregnancy and I wouldn't change that for anything.  I still appreciate and love the doctor who did my surgery, but I really enjoyed seeing the midwives.  I feel like they really listened to me and treated me as a whole person.  They go beyond the physical symptoms and really care about how you're doing emotionally and that was something I really appreciated (since I tend to have trust issues with doctors).  

My doctor was running a little late that day (which we expected since I was not first in line for surgery that morning) so Billy and I just sat in our little room and chilled while we waited.  We talked, took some pictures, played on our phones a little bit, and just tried to relax.  Billy kept having issues with the scrubs they brought him to wear and they were all either too small or way too big so that kept me laughing for a while.  Finally they told us it was time!

We walked to the operating room and Billy had a nice little chair to sit in while he waited for me to get ready.  They took me into the freezing cold room and had me straddle the operating table so the anesthesiologist could put the spinal in.  That is always the nerve-wracking part for me (in my head I'm thinking, "Am I bending over far enough?  Will they get the spinal in properly?  Am I going to be paralyzed for life?" haha).  Thankfully my midwife was right there and held my hand through it and kept me chatting so I wouldn't feel as nervous.  I immediately felt my lower half get warm and numb and then it's like I'm a giant rag doll as they get me all situated.  I started to feel kinda bad because the nurses are like, "Can you scoot a little to the side?" and I just lay there because I'm a giant numb blob haha.  They got the sheet up and the anesthesiologist used a pin to prick my shoulder and told me to tell him when I could feel the pinprick again.  He did that all over my stomach and moved his way up until I could feel it again and then the doctor used a clamp to pinch my abdomen for the final test.  I couldn't feel anything so I passed the test and Billy was allowed to come in and sit next to me.  

I always feel a little weird when I get the anesthesia, like I'm really sleepy and calm.  This time, I had a cough going into surgery so that made things a little interesting.  Every now and then I would feel a tickle in my throat like I needed to cough but I was a little paranoid about doing that while they were cutting me open.  There's also this feeling of confusion when talking or laughing because you're supposed to feel your stomach move when you do those things, but because everything is numb you don't feel it and it gives the sensation of not being able to talk/breathe/laugh.  So I mostly stayed silent during the surgery and just smiled and nodded when people asked if I was doing okay.  Billy the Brave decided to actually watch the surgery and spent the whole time standing next to me and looking over the curtain (I didn't know they would let him do that!).  They warned him that if he passed out they weren't going to do anything for him, but of course Billy isn't the least bit squeamish about that stuff and he did fine.  He actually got to see Grace being born, which is a first for him (he wasn't with me during Ellie's birth and he stayed behind the curtain during Piper's birth).  

That's little Grace coming out of my stomach!  Don't mind the bloody rag in the background...

Shortly after she came out we heard her first little cries.  Grace Victoria Ephraim was born at 12:44 pm, measuring 7 pounds 8 ounces and 19 inches long.  Grace's birth is the first one I've actually had that happy-crying thing happen.  I heard her sweet little cry and they held her over for me to see and I just choked up.  She was perfect and precious and mine.  It was perfect.

They did her measurements, Billy cut the umbilical cord, and then I got to snuggle with her while laying on the operating table.  I made sure to tell every single person involved in my surgery that I wanted to do kangaroo care (skin-to-skin contact) immediately, which is something new that our hospital just started doing a few months ago.  I think it was so important to me because I missed out on the first 4 days of Ellie's life and then I didn't get to hold Piper as soon as I thought I would.  I could tell the anesthesiologist was not a fan, but he kindly let me hold my little girl on my chest.  This was by far the best moment of her birth.  She immediately stopped crying when they put her on my chest and got super quiet while I talked to her.  She started looking for food and nuzzled my cheek and it was just the happiest moment I've experienced when having a baby.

The happiest mama in the world! 

My angry 7.5 pound little girl!

After snuggling for a few minutes they took her to the nursery and I felt so much calmer during that time than I did with Piper.  I was so thankful to have held her against me for a few minutes and that really sustained me through the rest of the surgery.  I just relaxed and listened to everyone talking and it was really very calm.  Before I knew it I was done and they were sliding me onto a hospital bed to be wheeled down to my room.  We passed the nursery on the way there and I got another glimpse of Grace while they did her Apgar scores and all that fun stuff.  After about 30 minutes in recovery she was in the room with me and I was able to feed her.  

We had lots of visitors that afternoon and even Ellie made it over to see us that evening.  We figured it would be best for Ellie to come without Piper the first time since she would be able to understand better what was going on and then would (hopefully) help Piper the next day.  She was appropriately interested in Grace but wasn't emotional or confused or anything.  It was more like, "Yep, that's baby Grace, okay what's this thing in your arm Mommy???  And can I push those buttons on your bed?!"  

Piper came to visit on Saturday and she seemed a little bothered that I was in a hospital bed.  She kept staring at me with this confused/accusatory expression haha.  She checked out Grace a little but was mostly interested in exploring the room and messing with everything.  

The girls look thrilled, right?  They were loving those glove balloons, though.

Our hospital stay was pretty relaxed.  Other than hacking up my lungs (and praying my incision wouldn't rip open) it was easy.  Saturday night my pain kinda caught up with me and put me in tears for a few minutes until I could get some heavier painkillers, but after one dose I got in control of my pain and haven't had to take anything stronger than ibuprofen since then.  I definitely wanted to get my strength back as soon as possible and actually got to stand up for a minute the same day I had surgery.  I never want to overdo it, but I also think that pushing myself to stand, walk, take a shower, etc. helps me recover faster.  

Grace was wonderfully relaxed in the hospital (most newborns are, I guess).  She basically spent the whole time sleeping and cuddling.  We did send her to the nursery both nights just because it's the one opportunity I have to try to get some sleep before going home and I like to take advantage of that.  The nurses brought her to me for feeding in the middle of the night and every time they came in they said all she did was sleep in the nursery. 

We came home on Sunday, two days after she was born.  She has been a wonderfully content and sweet-tempered baby.  I feel like (so far) she is really living up to her name.  We love the name Grace as it refers to God's grace; we believe this little girl is an example of an undeserved blessing from God and we've experienced over and over how God gives us so much when we don't deserve an ounce of it.  Victoria means "victory," which is special to me because I went through a really hard season in my life just prior to getting pregnant with Grace.  I had some physical issues that I had been dealing with for a long time and FINALLY found some health professionals who listened to me and helped me overcome those problems.  Having our third little girl after going through all of that felt like a victory to me!  I really wanted to go through my pregnancy with an attitude of joy and thankfulness and her name helped me focus on that.

Our transition to having three children hasn't been nearly as difficult as I anticipated.  Yes, it's still challenging balancing the needs of all these little people, but I really think the transition from one child to two was way harder.  Piper was also a bit of a difficult baby and that probably made our transition harder.  For the most part, Grace is pretty happy to just eat and be held.  She is definitely a little snuggler, but thankfully she has a Daddy who loves to hold her!  She is slowly going longer stretches at night between feedings so I am starting to get a little more sleep at night, but even if she eats every three hours she pretty much goes right back to sleep after eating.

After our first week at home, when I was finally starting to get my normal strength back, I got a stomach bug.  Oh my gosh it was horrible.  I started feeling bad Friday night and by Saturday morning I was stumbling around the house because I was so dizzy and then I started throwing up.  Poor Billy had to be in charge of everyone on Saturday because I was totally bedridden.  Every time I got out of bed I would start vomiting again so I pretty much just stayed laying down.  The troops rallied around us on Sunday and we had tons of family come up to help.  Granny and Poppaw came up to help with Ellie and Piper so that Billy could focus on taking care of Grace and me (they also did laundry and tried to help clean up around here a little!).  Nana and Poppy came up and did some grocery shopping for us and my mom came up to stay with us for the next two days.  By Monday I was still really sick and vomiting every time I got out of bed so we went to my OBGYN's office to get checked out.  They said it was just a stomach bug but that I was severely dehydrated so I received two bags of IV fluids to help me get on top of that.  I guess sickness, breastfeeding, and post-surgical recovery don't mix well?  ;) I still felt horrible but stopped vomiting after I got the fluids.  My mom stayed with us on Monday and Tuesday, my Poppaw came up on Wednesday, and Granny stayed with us on Thursday and Friday.  It really took all of those people for us to get through it and survive.  I finally started getting out of bed on Wednesday and by Friday I was actually showered and dressed (but still pretty dizzy).  I am so thankful for all of my family who took time off work to stay with us and for so many friends who brought meals and prayed for us.  That was rough and I hope that never, ever happens again.

I love her fat little face in this one! 

God knew what He was doing when he gave us this little girl.  She was so undemanding during my sick time and I think that's the only way I was able to continue breastfeeding through being sick.  I feel so very blessed to have my three girls and a loving husband who really is committed to me through sickness and in health...he has seen some really gross and horrible things in the last few years with me and I can't believe he's stuck it out (well, I can believe it because he's just a great man, but seriously....he's seen it all at this point haha).  

Well, that was a long and rambling story, which just goes to show where my brain is these days.  Long story short, Grace is a sweetie pie, Ellie and Piper are some pretty awesome big sisters, I have the greatest husband in the world, and I am SO GLAD I'm not sick anymore!  :)

Just a little update before the craziness begins!

Let's see...my last couple of posts I've discussed all the things that I needed to do before Grace was born, and now they're all done!  Well, mostly anyway.  We still have to clean out the van (the layer of crushed Goldfish crackers is pretty intense right now) and install the car seat base, but really we're pretty close to done as it gets.  I've even packed most of my hospital bag, minus the few last minute items that I'll put in on Friday morning.  We have the pack and play bassinet all set up in our room, complete with diapers, wipes, burp cloths, extra clothing, etc.  I finished my freezer cooking on the last day of 2013 and I've stocked up on easy (and some unhealthy) foods for the kids to eat (macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets, peanut butter, cheese, raisins, canned fruit, etc.).  We even have the crib set up in the guest bedroom now.  I feel ready!

This is really the first time I've felt ready to have a baby.  I was so unprepared in every way for Ellie's birth because she came early (and in a really dramatic way).  With Piper, I was so focused on her birth and what I wanted it to be that I really didn't prepare myself for what life would look like when we came home from the hospital (let's just say it was a HUGE adjustment haha).  Finally, for the first time in three pregnancies, I'm just so looking forward to holding my baby and seeing her sweet face for the first time.  I really can't stand it.  I feel like this week is dragging by so slowly (Billy says it's flying by for him!) and I can't wait for Friday.  I think it helps a lot to know what to expect this time.  Even though it's my third C-section, I have no memories of the first one (due to general anesthesia) so Piper's birth was really my first normal C-section experience.  I know how it will go this time and I know what things to ask for in advance.  I also know how I'll feel afterward and what breastfeeding will be like.  I feel ready for this little girl to join our family and figure out what our new "normal" will look like having three children.  I know a lot of people say it's really hard (and I'm not doubting that), but isn't having one child kind of hard, too?  I really think you just grow and adjust with each child you have.  Each one is a joy and a challenge and you learn how to cope (and eventually thrive) within your family.  I'm sure three is harder than two, but I KNOW that two is harder than one, and one is harder than zero.  I've made it this far with two children who are 20 months apart, so I feel confident that I will do okay with three kids, too.

We've had some pretty big changes around here in the last few weeks (big for us, anyway).  We finally moved Ellie from the crib to a twin bed.  It seems crazy that we left her in the crib until almost three and a half years old, but she never once climbed out of it and seemed happy so we let it go as long as possible.  She got to pick her new bed set and is really thrilled with getting to sleep in a big girl bed.  We've had some adjusting to do with that, but all in all she has done great.  It's been a week and a half now and for the most part we don't have any issues with her getting out of bed inappropriately.  Nap time has been interesting and not nearly as calm as it used to be, but we've put the fear of God in her and I think she finally gets that we're serious about staying in bed. :)  She is also staying dry at night, so I see an end to the nighttime Pull-Ups in our future (at least until it's Piper's turn!).  Unfortunately, staying dry at night means she has to go before I think it's an appropriate hour to be awake, so we're trying to teach her that she can just get up and go by herself and doesn't need permission at 2:30 in the morning.  Easier said than done.  She is SO smart, but for some reason she doesn't understand why I don't want her to yell, "Moooooommmmmyyyy, I have to go POTTY!" in the middle of the night.  I guess it's confusing because I tell her to stay in bed, but then say it's okay to get out of bed if she has to use the bathroom.  I guess we'll get there eventually haha.

Ellie has also been weaned from sucking/chewing on her baby blankets!  We visited the dentist for the first time last week and she was AMAZING.  I really couldn't believe how great she did for her first time.  She answered all of their questions by herself without me having to intervene and she listened politely while they explained all of the tools and what they were going to do.  She LOVED getting her teeth counted and cleaned and her favorite tool was "Mr. Thirsty" (the suction thing).  I sat on a bench in the corner and just watched the whole time.  It was almost a little sad that she didn't need me for anything, but goodness that made me so proud that my girl was being so independent and confident!  We did start talking about the dentist back in November and I've been trying to prepare her for what it would be like, but I never imagined she would do that well.  She's already excited about going back in the summer.  The only sad thing was that the dentist said she had to stop sucking on the blanket.  Thankfully, after a few rough days, she has given it up and that battle seems to be over!

Piper is just her sweet, mischievous self as usual.  She is definitely more interested in babies than Ellie was at this age and is very aware that "baby Grace" is her sister and she's in Mommy's belly.  She loves to check out/climb into the carseat and gets into all of the baby stuff constantly.  Who knows what things will look like once Grace is actually here, but for now it's really adorable how she rubs my belly and says "baby Grace" and then blows kisses.  Piper is definitely our little charmer and knows just how to tug at the heartstrings while getting away with murder.  She is very verbal and repeats pretty much everything that Ellie says and does, which is both good and bad.  I'm interested (and a little afraid) of what she will do when she realizes she's not the baby anymore!

Our house in Lynchburg has not been rented out yet, but we've hired a property management company to take it over for us.  It costs us more money to do it this way, but we're saving ourselves a lot of stress and anxiety in the process, especially considering that we're having a baby right at the time that we would need to be showing it.  They just listed it, so we're praying that they find tenants quickly.  It is a huge relief knowing that we've done everything on our end and now it's up to the property manager to get it taken care of.  We're also praying that this will be beneficial to us in the long run and not a huge mistake...haha.

We've had some sickness in the last couple of weeks.  Piper came down with a cold at the end of December, then Ellie got it, and by the first weekend of January I had it.  Nothing major, just lots of coughing and feeling bad.  We all finally got better last week just in time for Piper to get some type of viral pink eye (which I think is leftover from the original cold we had).  I put off taking her to the doctor because I wasn't completely convinced it was bacterial (which would require an antibiotic), and thankfully by Monday of this week it was gone....just in time for Ellie to get it.  So now Ellie is dealing with the red and crusty eyes, but hers doesn't seem as severe as Piper's was.  And now I have another cold, which seems to be different from the original one we had because I have the worst sore throat of my life and some major chest congestion.  However, I think it's on it's way out because I'm feeling a little more energetic today with a lot more of the productive coughing.  So I kinda feel better and worse at the same time.  I have ingested an entire gallon of orange juice in the past 24 hours and been trying to rest as much as possible and I think it's helping a lot.  Today is definitely a pajama day in our house and I don't even feel bad about that haha.

Billy's mom is coming up tomorrow evening so she can stay with the girls while we're in the hospital this weekend.  Billy and I have plans to go out to dinner by ourselves tomorrow night (last date night before we're a family of 5...ahhhh!).  I have to be at the hospital at 9:30 on Friday morning and we should be meeting our little Grace around lunch time.  I am SO looking forward to this...I know reality will hit me once we're home and getting back to regular life, but for now I'm enjoying romanticizing it a little and picturing our sweet baby girl.  Please pray for us! :)