Dear Younger
Kristen,
Congratulations
on getting married! I know you feel like
it couldn’t come fast enough. But, can
you believe it? You are finally here,
where you always wanted to be.
Now that the
honeymoon vacation is over and Billy’s back to work, I know what you’re
thinking. There’s so much to do. You’ve got to prepare for the fall semester,
get your apartment in order, and start figuring out how to cook something other
than tacos or pancakes. Your mental list
is long.
I know you’re
also thinking about this new adventure of being married. It’s so much fun to be known as Kristen
Ephraim, isn’t it? And waking up next to
your husband every day and embarking on all the new couple-y activities like
finding a church with a newlyweds Sunday School class, grocery shopping
together (that one won’t work out too well, just so you know), and doing his
laundry and…hmm. That doesn’t really
seem so exciting. I mean, you knew those
things were coming, so it’s not a surprise.
But it seemed so much more romantic before you got married. Now that you’re there in the middle of it,
cooking and cleaning and laundry and being the
wife is a little more work than what you were anticipating.
But, you know
what? It’s okay to not do it all. Your tiny little apartment does not have to
be perfectly clean and organized all the time.
You will learn to let these things go, but honestly it will only happen
after you have your third child (and you will live in a much larger house that
can’t be cleaned in less than 10 minutes).
Those are coming, by the way. The
kids. In a few years you will have three
perfect, charming, and beautiful little monsters who will consume most of your
day. They are way more hilarious than
you could ever anticipate. They will
also push you until you don’t think you have anything left to give. They will scare you to death, make you cry
and yell, and they will melt your heart.
You will see so much of yourself and Billy in them, which will make you
proud and scared at the same time. You
will worry about how you will raise them to be strong, independent, and
compassionate young women. And no, I
don’t have that one figured out yet…but I’m trusting that it will be okay.
Really, the
reason I’m writing this letter is because I want to talk to you about your
brand-new, very young husband. I know
you love him so much and you already know how great he is. But can I just tell you something? He needs you just as much as you need
him. I already know how stubborn you can
be, Kristen…because I was you. I
remember how you shut Billy out when you were upset. How insecure you were in your own worth. How afraid you were to let people down. How embarrassed and ashamed you felt because
physical intimacy with your husband was painful and nothing like what you
thought it would be. And how all of that
just consumed your thoughts.
You and Billy
will go through a few really difficult years until this problem gets sorted out
(almost 6 years, actually). You will
wonder if being married is the same as living with a roommate. You will break each other’s hearts while
trying to figure out what married life is supposed to look like. You will beg God for healing and change and
get bitter when it doesn’t happen immediately.
You will give up and lose hope and try to accept that this is what your
life will look like…but that sweet husband of yours? He will stick by you. He will hear you when you are venting and
raging and just done. And he will be the
one who encourages you to make that appointment one more time.
And at that
appointment, you have my permission to just lose it. Tell that midwife everything (believe me, if you don’t tell her, she will ask you the
most embarrassing questions and then you’ll have to tell her anyway). She will look you in the eye and say, “Girl,
this is not right. There’s no way you
should live like that.” And she will not
only diagnose you, but also refer you to a specialist who will (through prayer,
hard work, and God’s hand) help heal you.
It will still
take some time for you to let go of that problem, even after the physical
healing happens. You will hold onto your
mental and emotional barriers. You and
Billy will refer to that mental block as “the brick wall.” Every negative experience puts 10 bricks on,
and every positive experience takes one brick down. But don’t lose hope! I’ll go ahead and tell you that after you
celebrate your seventh anniversary, things get a lot better. You and Billy will finally enjoy everything
that God designed for marriage. You will
feel free to actually communicate with Billy (using real words, not just the
silent treatment!). You will lean on
each other when the kids are going crazy and life gets stressful. You will be able to enjoy sex with your
husband and it will fortify your marriage like you wouldn’t believe. You will learn to see the storms you endured
in your early years as laying the foundation for your commitment, and you will
learn to thank God for those hard times.
I know you hear
people say this all the time: marriage is hard.
And I think you do know that, despite being a newlywed. But can I encourage you, right now? Marriage is AWESOME. Yes, it’s challenging. You will get mad, bored, stressed, and
lazy. But you will find that your
husband will be the very best part of your day.
He will make you laugh and give you grace. He will do anything he possibly can to make
you feel loved (including, but not limited to, Thai food and blizzards from
Dairy Queen). He will support you when
you’re hurting and say “I love you” a million times a day because he means
it. He will take the time to have deep
conversations with you about America’s education system, how to raise our
children to not be idiots, and what we think will happen on the next season of The Walking Dead. He won’t laugh at you when you say stupid
things when you’re tired, like “You can only see lightning at night.” Or rather, he won’t laugh until you realize
what you just said and then you both lose it.
So yes, marriage
is hard. But it is also fun and good and
hilarious and life changing. Kristen, it
is seriously the best decision you ever made.
Billy was the perfect choice for you.
Thank God every day that you have him as your husband for life. And just so you know, we don’t have it all
figured out yet. But we are learning and
growing and happy. You will love it when
you get here.
With love from
the future,
Kristen
