Being Transparent

I recently read this blog post by Modern Mrs. Darcy about what neon lycra and chapped nipples taught her about denying it gets hard sometimes and immediately resonated with her conclusions.  It's something that's been on my mind on and off for the last year or so.  When we're struggling or hurting or facing hard things in life, why is it our tendency to (usually) try to hide it?

I do it.  Two years ago I went through a really difficult trial in my life, and I only shared my struggle with two people (one of whom was Billy).  The rest of the time I pretended that my pain wasn't there and everything was just great.  Now that it's behind me, it's a lot easier to share with others about that time and point to God's faithfulness and healing.  But going through it....I felt like I couldn't tell anyone.  I was embarrassed, ashamed, and bitter about something I had no control over.  I remember being in a new church and a new life group, and when prayer request time came I felt the nudge to share just a small part of my burden and ask for prayer, but I didn't.  It was too personal and I feared being that person with "all the problems."  So I kept it to myself and prayed on my own.  God still brought me through it, but would the burden have been a little easier to bear if I had confided in a few more people?

I'm definitely not saying that we should just share everything with everyone all the time.  There's a time and a place (and the right group of people) to share your vulnerabilities.  I just wonder how any of us can have real relationships, or effective ministry, or whatever it is that we're doing if we can't share our burdens, hardships, frustrations, or struggles with the people around us.  Facebook can be a great thing, but it's so easy to post the cute pictures and not the ugly ones.  It takes nothing for me to share a funny story or post photos of my kids playing in perfect harmony, but rarely do I post proof of the hair pulling, screaming, hitting, temper tantrums, time outs, or me yelling at them.  It's easy to paint this lovely picture of life, that everything is beautiful, easy, exceptional, and perfect.  But we all know that life isn't that way.  Life is hard.  Babies don't sleep through the night when everyone says they should.  Siblings slap each other in the face over Legos (that was ALL DAY yesterday).  Money gets tight, or it's just gone.  Our health fails, or our bodies just don't do what we want them to do.  We hate our jobs...or we don't even know what to do with our lives.  Marriages struggle.  We lose direction, momentum, or vision for our lives.  All of us experience these things...no one is immune to them.

Just as a small example: I'm having a trying week.  I have thrush, which makes feeding Grace extremely difficult.  I've done everything I can do at home with no improvement, and I think I waited too long to call the doctor.  So now it's horribly painful.  Just imagine tiny razorblades slicing into your skin, and that's what this pain feels like when I'm trying to feed Grace.  Thankfully I'm now on some medication which will hopefully take care of it, but I've still got several more days before I'm supposed to notice much of an improvement.  I want to cry when I think about nursing her 5 times per day for several more days before I can expect this pain to go away.  I have seriously considered not breastfeeding anymore because the pain is that bad.  And because I'm hurting, Grace doesn't get enough when she tries to eat, so she's waking up in the middle of the night at 7 months old.  So then I'm supplementing with formula and sabotaging my own milk supply anyway.  Meanwhile, I'm sleep deprived and I have the worst nausea I've had in a long time, which is a side effect of the medication.  Ellie and Piper have been at each other's throats the past two days with plenty of screaming and drama and I've hit my limits on just about every front.  It just feels like a no-win situation right now.  In the grand scheme of things, it will be okay.  I will get better and Grace will eat something, whether that's through nursing or formula.  But right now, it feels impossible and I just need someone to say, "It will be okay!" {And as I was typing this, my Granny called to check in and she listened to all my woes...thank you, Granny!}

I have been guilty of believing that I should have it all together.  It's probably safe to say that most of us have struggled with that lie at one time or another.  What I'm trying to say now is that I want to remember how important it is to be transparent.  How much it means to me when I share a struggle with friends, and they reply by saying, "I totally know how you feel" or "I would have a hard time with that, too."  How refreshing it is to hear from other people who have been through hard things and realize that I'm not alone.  And having the opportunity to acknowledge each other's journeys, whether things are good or bad...I think that is the key to living in community.  So thank you to those people who have walked alongside me through easy and hard times, who have encouraged me through all sorts of frustrations.  I hope I can do the same for you!

My Babies

We have had beautiful, unseasonably cool weather for August lately.  I am so in love with it.  I am a cooler weather kinda gal, so 75-80 degree summer days are amazing.  Of course, I'm still longing for those 50-60 degree fall days...but they will come.  For now, I am praising God for a mild summer.

The past two days I have taken the girls on a morning walk so I can get some exercise.  I have been struggling with hormonal problems lately and basically two weeks out of every month I'm moody, irritable, suffering from low milk supply (which means Grace is cranky and frustrated at every feeding), and just generally a grouchy person.  So I might have 2.5 weeks where I feel "normal," and then 2 weeks where I don't at all.  I really HATE being that way.  I know it affects my relationships with Billy and the girls.  I finally put it all together this week when I realized what was happening and I've been thinking on how I can change this.  So for now, I'm just trying to get outside a little.  I figured some light exercise, getting out of the house, sunshine, and fresh air would do me good.  And I have to say that I have felt so much better the last two days.  I truly hope this will be a long term solution to my problem. 

Bridgewater is a wonderful place to walk.  We happen to live in an area where several neighborhoods are interconnected (and it's all flat!), so it's easy to take as short or as long of a walk as I desire.  I just load Ellie and Piper into the double stroller, Grace in the Ergo, grab some water and we're off.  I am lucky that the girls are great travelers and don't mind being "confined" in the stroller as long as we have things to look at.  I try to make it as enjoyable for them as I can, so we typically have a lot of discussion on our walks about whatever we see.  Piper is content to sit quietly for the entire ride and observe (yesterday she said maybe two words, today nothing!) and Ellie talks non-stop.  So we notice whatever animals are scurrying around, we talk about street signs and cars, identify whatever flowers we can in people's gardens, etc.  

Today we stopped at one of the neighborhood playgrounds so the kids could burn some energy and while I was watching them play, I started reflecting on how very different each of my children are.  I think it's easy for me to tend to lump them all together as "the girls," but they are each so different.  They have many similarities, too, but I think that has more to do with their mannerisms and interests and not so much their personalities.  I thought it might be fun to share a little about each of my precious individuals:

"I'm the king of the castle!"

Ellie is my go-getter.  When I look at her, I see so clearly how God formed her to be everything I ever thought she would be from the time I met her (and even when I prayed for her while I was pregnant).  She has some of our best qualities.  She is confident, independent, assertive, and goofy like Billy, but also polite, a quick learner, laughs easily, and eager to please like me (which can also be a terrible fault, but I think she has the right personality balance to not be a door mat).  She talks almost non-stop from morning to night.  She can be totally alone and will still talk to herself.  She is full of questions and observations and can't keep anything to herself.  She is clearly an extrovert.  She is energized by large groups of people and loves to socialize.  She makes friends easily and trusts people implicitly.  She is opinionated, energetic, and strong.

Piper in her own world

Piper is full of contradictions and her personality comes in extremes.  She is timid and shy around strangers, but wild and uninhibited at home.  She is reckless but observant, overwhelmingly loud but quiet.  Her voice has two levels: yelling and whispering.  She is very soft spoken when she's having a real conversation, but yells at the top of her lungs (with both joy and anger) when she's playing.  She is our introvert who becomes very overwhelmed with large groups of people.  When she's alone, she will sit in comfortable silence and just zone out.  She rides in the stroller and the car in mostly silence and has no use for unnecessary conversation.  She is generous, affectionate, observant, and comical.

My happy-go-lucky Grace

Grace is my easygoing girl.  She is chatty, snuggly, and motivated.  She adores anyone who pays attention to her and is generous with her smiles.  She's a bit stingy with her giggles so it's a great reward to hear one of those (Ellie elicits the majority of Grace's laughs these days).  She is expressive and I rarely have to guess what she's thinking.  She keeps us informed at every moment what her exact mood is.  She has been my most motivated child so far and has hit many of her milestones significantly earlier than her sisters.  She is content, easy to please, and loves one-on-one attention.

I am in awe of how God has created these three children from the same genes and somehow they are each so different.  It overwhelms me to think that these three are mine.  Almost ten years ago Billy and I were dating "just for fun," and now here we are with a life and a legacy of our own.  I know we have many more years of raising to do, with many wonderful and horrible phases in between, but in this moment of quiet reflection I am full of peace and joy.  Isn't that what nap time is for? ;)

Our Homemade Christmas Gifts

So I was scanning through my posts on blogger and realized that I had started a draft of this post and never finished it...maybe because I had a baby in January?  Who knows...but I thought I should go ahead and finish it anyway!

This past year, I tried to do a few more homemade/creative Christmas gifts compared to years past.  I had a few reasons for doing this.  First, it saved us some money...I have a lot of crafting tools and supplies (sewing machine, fabric, scrap lumber, a laminator, etc.) and wanted to put some of those things to good use instead of spending a lot of money.  We also made a commitment as a family to not spend as much money on Christmas last year, so that meant we had to get creative!  Second, I think homemade gifts are fun because it shows that the giver put some time and energy into making something specifically for the receiver.  It makes me feel special to receive something homemade and unique, so I wanted to do that for someone else.  Third, we were trying to simplify Christmas for our family and make it more about focusing on Jesus, spending time with family, and creating memories, and I thought crafting would help me accomplish those goals better than spending time shopping.  Obviously we still purchased gifts for some people, but it was a fun learning experience for me to do Christmas this way.  Plus, with only two children I had SO much time on my hands....hahahahaha.

Anyway, I just wanted to share some of the homemade gifts we created...maybe it will give you a new idea for this year!

I really wanted Ellie to have an opportunity to give a gift last year.  Being three years old, I figured she could do something simple which would also help her realize that Christmas isn't about her getting things from other people, but also giving to them!  I had a lot of white cardstock paper scraps (from another project below) that were the perfect size for a bookmark, so I had her (and Piper, too) sit at the table with some crayons and decorate the bookmarks.  Ellie took this project so seriously and (as you can see) got pretty intense about coloring every square inch of the paper.  When she was done, I wrote her name and the date on the back, laminated the bookmarks with my awesome Scotch thermal laminator (thanks, Mom!), punched a hole in the top of each one, and tied some ribbon on it. She was so thrilled to have made gifts to give to other people.  I even had one extra bookmark left and kept it for myself!

I found this free printable for a book of love coupons from Mommy by Day Crafter by Night and thought it was too cute.  It's meant to be a Valentine's Day thing but I made this as a stocking stuffer for Billy.  She has pre-made coupons as well as blank ones.  I printed two sheets of blank coupons, wrote out each coupon for whatever I wanted it to say, laminated them, punched a hole in the corner, and put a book ring clip in it.  So easy and cute!

I try to make apple butter every fall after we pick apples.  The recipe I use is so easy since it just requires the crockpot and a few spices.  When the apple butter is done, I can it and give it away at Christmas.  I definitely like it, and I'm pretty sure my family enjoys it, too!

This was a new type of project for me.  I thought these rustic photo displays from Shanty 2 Chic were really cute and I knew we had some scrap lumber in the garage.  My sweet husband cut, sanded, stained, and drilled holes in the boards for me.  Literally all I did was print the message, glue the hooks in place, and print out some pictures.  So this was mostly Billy's work but I thought they turned out pretty cute!

This was by far the most involved project I took on for Christmas.  I actually started it in the summer of 2012 because I thought it would be really cool to make a quilt for my mom (we are hardcore blanket people), but then I put it away for a while.  When I realized I never finished it, I decided that I had to get it done before Grace was born and it would make a great Christmas gift.  I found this tutorial called 31 Days to a Handmade Quilt by Saving by Making and it immediately went on my "someday I will do this" list.  I would say that for my very first quilt (and definitely the biggest sewing project I've ever done in my short sewing life of 2.5 years) I was really pleased with how it turned out.  There are a few things I would do differently now that I've gone through it, but when I finished I literally teared up a little because I couldn't believe that I actually finished it (and I was hugely pregnant and hormonal....so that may have influenced my tears, too).  

Billy made these wooden monogram ornaments as a surprise for me (again, using scrap lumber from the garage and the stain we bought for the photo block project) and I LOVE them.  I'm not even sure what he did to make this happen but they are perfect.  I have a slight obsession with Christmas ornaments, so these were a perfect gift for me.

It took some time and planning, but I really enjoyed making these gifts.  I get a little anxious about homemade anything (mostly because I'm not super confident in my own skills and crafting does NOT come easily to me) but I think everything turned out okay.  Thanks for reading my severely belated Christmas post!