I hate that it's taken me three and a half years of motherhood to finally embrace and enjoy this difficult newborn stage, but I'm thankful that God has helped me get to that point finally. I have to be honest...I am not in love with newborns. They cry easily, I never know what they need when they do cry (sleep? food? diaper change?), and I really dislike not sleeping through the night. Ellie wasn't a super difficult newborn once we got her reflux issues under control, but I remember being so annoyed (almost angry) getting up in the middle of the night to feed her. We were blessed that she started sleeping through the night pretty early (started at 7 weeks and by 10 weeks didn't turn back). Piper fought sleep from the beginning and didn't sleep through the night consistently until 8 months old...oh my goodness that was hard for me. She had some reflux/dairy intolerance issues that we didn't recognize and so we got into a pretty difficult cycle of just doing whatever we could to keep her happy (which meant I nursed her in the middle of the night quite frequently just to stop the crying). She also slept in our walk-in closet, so we heard ALL of her noises and she didn't really have an opportunity to learn to self-soothe like Ellie did.
Grace is by no means a perfect baby (she really likes to fight daytime naps and sometimes we just end up holding her to keep the peace in the evenings), but I feel more relaxed as a mother this time. Yes, her crying still frays my nerves and there are many times that I don't know what to do for her, but I also realize that this time is fleeting compared to the rest of her life and we will come out on the other side of it. Piper taught me that, for sure. Those 8 months of not sleeping through the night were really hard, but she is a great nighttime sleeper now and I know that there will come a day when I will get solid rest again. Grace actually does really well at night and is only getting up once to eat. One thing that has really helped my sanity with Grace is that she is on a pretty consistent schedule. Ellie fell into her routine without a lot of work on our part (I think mainly because she was a NICU baby and they regulated her feedings from the beginning). She has always been our flexible child and really doesn't seem fazed by changes in her routine, so I never worried much about her eating at the same time every day because she just went along with the flow. Piper didn't really have much of a schedule because I was just dying to get sleep anytime I could. I didn't give her a consistent wake up time every day and so every day looked different. With Grace, I have tried to keep her wake up time pretty consistent (somewhere around 8:00 am). There are some days that she gets up at 7:30 and others I'll wake her up at 8:30, but for the most part the rest of the day looks the same. I think it's easier this time around because Ellie and Piper have a pretty consistent daily schedule, so I've tried to tailor Grace's feedings around their routine (a.k.a. everyone naps at the same time in the afternoon so that I can get a break!). I will also say that this noise machine has been a lifesaver at night since Grace is still sleeping upstairs with us. We just set it on white noise and I think it's made a huge difference for both Grace and me. She sleeps soundly at night and it also drowns out some of those little noises she does in her sleep, so I'm sleeping better, too. We also put her in the pack and play just outside of our bedroom, so I'm able to shut the door between our room and where she sleeps and that little bit of separation helps so much.
Now that we have found our daily rhythm as a family again, I'm ready to start moving forward in life. I felt like my whole pregnancy with Grace was just a time for me to rest and survive, which isn't a bad thing, but I'm really tired of that "stagnant" feeling. I am trying to focus on getting back to myself, which means a lot of different things I guess. I'm breaking this down into sections:
Mentally: First, I'm working on letting go of anxiety and stress and trying to be more relaxed. This isn't exactly an easy task with being a mom to three little girls 3 and under, but I also think a lot of it has more to do with attitude rather than circumstances. What does my outlook on life look like? Am I approaching this life with an attitude of thankfulness and joy or am I anxious and negative? Am I taking time for myself throughout the day to recharge or am I running myself ragged? These are questions I'm trying to ask myself throughout the day.
Spiritually: I have really neglected reading Scripture for myself in the last few months, so I'm trying to improve in that area. We've been reading through The Beginner's Bible with the girls, but that doesn't really count as personal quiet time haha. My goal is to have some type of daily Bible reading time without overthinking it. I have always struggled on and off with reading the Bible regularly, and I think it's because I tend to get frustrated with devotionals and whether they're "scholarly" or not. However, when I try reading the Bible on my own without some sort of guidance I often get stuck or give up after a while because I'm not sure what to read next. I'm now realizing that it's better to read something than nothing at all, so I'm going through My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers again. Eventually I would like to purchase a new devotional that I haven't read (maybe Jesus Calling by Sarah Young) but for now the point is to read God's word every day and be refreshed by that.
Physically: Now that Grace is one month old, I'm slowly starting to get myself back to normal physically. I've lost 20 pounds since her birth without trying (mostly due to getting the baby out, not being swollen anymore, and having the flu for 4 days), but I still have 15-20 more pounds to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I signed up for MyFitnessPal and downloaded the free app for my iPhone to start journaling my diet and exercise throughout the day. I've done Weight Watchers twice now (after Ellie and Piper were born) and that worked really well for me, but I really don't want to pay for a membership if I can get a free version elsewhere. I've heard great things about MyFitnessPal so I decided to give it a try and so far I really like it. It's actually set up just like Weight Watchers Online except that you're counting calories instead of points (and it's free to use!). I also really like that I can scan the barcode on something I've eaten and add it to my food diary that way instead of searching through a list of foods (although you can do it that way, too). I did some light yoga yesterday as my first day of real exercise and that was good (although I can't believe how out of shape I am!). Anyway, I'm looking forward to losing the rest of my pregnancy weight and eventually working toward getting stronger and more active on a daily basis. I've also resolved to take care of myself a little more, meaning I need to go spend some of that Christmas money on new clothes. I also made myself a hair appointment for Thursday (since I haven't had a haircut--or even a trim--since September 2012...yes, a year and a half!) and I'm getting my eyebrows waxed--a real luxury haha.
Family: There are a few things here that I'm trying to work on. We're currently reading Hands Free Mama in our book club, which is all about letting go of distractions so that we can focus on the things that really matter. I'm trying to spend more time paying attention to my children than my phone and less time on Facebook and more time being with them. This is hard, because I often want to retreat for a moment to zone out, but my kids need to know that I'm listening and aware of what they're doing instead of saying, "Yeah, uh-huh, okay go play now." I also want to be more intentional about paying attention to Billy and strengthening our marriage. Now that we have three kids, we are outnumbered and it's harder to have that time to focus on each other, but it's still totally doable and we just have to work at it a little. I want to be a better wife to him and this is something I've neglected while I was in "pregnancy survival mode."
Socially: This seems like an odd thing to work on, but I want to be more intentional about my relationships. I want to invest in other people and serve them, while also allowing myself to be encouraged by the people I'm around. I'm a natural introvert so I tend to shy away from social situations (except with people close to me), but I've found since becoming a mom that I really need to be around other people sometimes so that I can get a little perspective on life. I want to make more of an effort to spend quality time with friends, so I'm trying to say yes a little more often than I say no while also having discernment about what is best for our family.
I know this seems like a really long, overwhelming list, but these are all things I've started working on in moderation and my goal is to slowly get better and better at them. I don't think I'll ever check all of this off a to-do list, but I really just want to embrace this life I've been given and enjoy every season even while things aren't perfect. I don't want to wait until my kids are grown to focus on my husband, and I don't want to let life pass me by while I stay cocooned inside what's comfortable for me (being out of shape, unsocial, anxious, and stagnant). I really want this season of my life to be a time for me to grow into who God made me to be instead of holding back out of fear. I've been on the cusp of this for a long time and I've made significant progress over the past few years, but it's really time for me to just dive in and do it instead of thinking about it.
And now I leave you with some pictures of my cuties:
 |
| This is Ellie's "rocket ship" made out of chairs :) |
 |
| Piper is practicing sitting on the potty (fully clothed haha) and Ellie thought it would be a good idea to read her a story. |
 |
| Grace is a strong little girl already (just like her big sisters!) |
 |
| If this isn't the cutest thing I've ever seen...it seriously makes the craziness worth it when I see how loving my girls can be toward each other! |
No comments:
Post a Comment