Getting into a Routine

Our Gracie girl is now one month old.  Not sure how that happened because it feels like she came home with us yesterday, but man is she a joy.  I am really loving being her mommy.

I hate that it's taken me three and a half years of motherhood to finally embrace and enjoy this difficult newborn stage, but I'm thankful that God has helped me get to that point finally.  I have to be honest...I am not in love with newborns.  They cry easily, I never know what they need when they do cry (sleep? food? diaper change?), and I really dislike not sleeping through the night.  Ellie wasn't a super difficult newborn once we got her reflux issues under control, but I remember being so annoyed (almost angry) getting up in the middle of the night to feed her.  We were blessed that she started sleeping through the night pretty early (started at 7 weeks and by 10 weeks didn't turn back).  Piper fought sleep from the beginning and didn't sleep through the night consistently until 8 months old...oh my goodness that was hard for me.  She had some reflux/dairy intolerance issues that we didn't recognize and so we got into a pretty difficult cycle of just doing whatever we could to keep her happy (which meant I nursed her in the middle of the night quite frequently just to stop the crying).  She also slept in our walk-in closet, so we heard ALL of her noises and she didn't really have an opportunity to learn to self-soothe like Ellie did.

Grace is by no means a perfect baby (she really likes to fight daytime naps and sometimes we just end up holding her to keep the peace in the evenings), but I feel more relaxed as a mother this time.  Yes, her crying still frays my nerves and there are many times that I don't know what to do for her, but I also realize that this time is fleeting compared to the rest of her life and we will come out on the other side of it.  Piper taught me that, for sure.  Those 8 months of not sleeping through the night were really hard, but she is a great nighttime sleeper now and I know that there will come a day when I will get solid rest again.  Grace actually does really well at night and is only getting up once to eat.  One thing that has really helped my sanity with Grace is that she is on a pretty consistent schedule.  Ellie fell into her routine without a lot of work on our part (I think mainly because she was a NICU baby and they regulated her feedings from the beginning).  She has always been our flexible child and really doesn't seem fazed by changes in her routine, so I never worried much about her eating at the same time every day because she just went along with the flow.  Piper didn't really have much of a schedule because I was just dying to get sleep anytime I could.  I didn't give her a consistent wake up time every day and so every day looked different.  With Grace, I have tried to keep her wake up time pretty consistent (somewhere around 8:00 am).  There are some days that she gets up at 7:30 and others I'll wake her up at 8:30, but for the most part the rest of the day looks the same.  I think it's easier this time around because Ellie and Piper have a pretty consistent daily schedule, so I've tried to tailor Grace's feedings around their routine (a.k.a. everyone naps at the same time in the afternoon so that I can get a break!).  I will also say that this noise machine has been a lifesaver at night since Grace is still sleeping upstairs with us.  We just set it on white noise and I think it's made a huge difference for both Grace and me.  She sleeps soundly at night and it also drowns out some of those little noises she does in her sleep, so I'm sleeping better, too.  We also put her in the pack and play just outside of our bedroom, so I'm able to shut the door between our room and where she sleeps and that little bit of separation helps so much.

Now that we have found our daily rhythm as a family again, I'm ready to start moving forward in life.  I felt like my whole pregnancy with Grace was just a time for me to rest and survive, which isn't a bad thing, but I'm really tired of that "stagnant" feeling.  I am trying to focus on getting back to myself, which means a lot of different things I guess.  I'm breaking this down into sections:

Mentally: First, I'm working on letting go of anxiety and stress and trying to be more relaxed.  This isn't exactly an easy task with being a mom to three little girls 3 and under, but I also think a lot of it has more to do with attitude rather than circumstances.  What does my outlook on life look like?  Am I approaching this life with an attitude of thankfulness and joy or am I anxious and negative?  Am I taking time for myself throughout the day to recharge or am I running myself ragged?  These are questions I'm trying to ask myself throughout the day.

Spiritually: I have really neglected reading Scripture for myself in the last few months, so I'm trying to improve in that area.  We've been reading through The Beginner's Bible with the girls, but that doesn't really count as personal quiet time haha.  My goal is to have some type of daily Bible reading time without overthinking it.  I have always struggled on and off with reading the Bible regularly, and I think it's because I tend to get frustrated with devotionals and whether they're "scholarly" or not.  However, when I try reading the Bible on my own without some sort of guidance I often get stuck or give up after a while because I'm not sure what to read next.  I'm now realizing that it's better to read something than nothing at all, so I'm going through My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers again.  Eventually I would like to purchase a new devotional that I haven't read (maybe Jesus Calling by Sarah Young) but for now the point is to read God's word every day and be refreshed by that.

Physically: Now that Grace is one month old, I'm slowly starting to get myself back to normal physically.  I've lost 20 pounds since her birth without trying (mostly due to getting the baby out, not being swollen anymore, and having the flu for 4 days), but I still have 15-20 more pounds to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight.  I signed up for MyFitnessPal and downloaded the free app for my iPhone to start journaling my diet and exercise throughout the day.  I've done Weight Watchers twice now (after Ellie and Piper were born) and that worked really well for me, but I really don't want to pay for a membership if I can get a free version elsewhere.  I've heard great things about MyFitnessPal so I decided to give it a try and so far I really like it.  It's actually set up just like Weight Watchers Online except that you're counting calories instead of points (and it's free to use!).  I also really like that I can scan the barcode on something I've eaten and add it to my food diary that way instead of searching through a list of foods (although you can do it that way, too).  I did some light yoga yesterday as my first day of real exercise and that was good (although I can't believe how out of shape I am!).  Anyway, I'm looking forward to losing the rest of my pregnancy weight and eventually working toward getting stronger and more active on a daily basis.  I've also resolved to take care of myself a little more, meaning I need to go spend some of that Christmas money on new clothes.  I also made myself a hair appointment for Thursday (since I haven't had a haircut--or even a trim--since September 2012...yes, a year and a half!) and I'm getting my eyebrows waxed--a real luxury haha.

Family: There are a few things here that I'm trying to work on.  We're currently reading Hands Free Mama in our book club, which is all about letting go of distractions so that we can focus on the things that really matter.  I'm trying to spend more time paying attention to my children than my phone and less time on Facebook and more time being with them.  This is hard, because I often want to retreat for a moment to zone out, but my kids need to know that I'm listening and aware of what they're doing instead of saying, "Yeah, uh-huh, okay go play now."  I also want to be more intentional about paying attention to Billy and strengthening our marriage.  Now that we have three kids, we are outnumbered and it's harder to have that time to focus on each other, but it's still totally doable and we just have to work at it a little.  I want to be a better wife to him and this is something I've neglected while I was in "pregnancy survival mode."

Socially: This seems like an odd thing to work on, but I want to be more intentional about my relationships.  I want to invest in other people and serve them, while also allowing myself to be encouraged by the people I'm around.  I'm a natural introvert so I tend to shy away from social situations (except with people close to me), but I've found since becoming a mom that I really need to be around other people sometimes so that I can get a little perspective on life.  I want to make more of an effort to spend quality time with friends, so I'm trying to say yes a little more often than I say no while also having discernment about what is best for our family.

I know this seems like a really long, overwhelming list, but these are all things I've started working on in moderation and my goal is to slowly get better and better at them.  I don't think I'll ever check all of this off a to-do list, but I really just want to embrace this life I've been given and enjoy every season even while things aren't perfect.  I don't want to wait until my kids are grown to focus on my husband, and I don't want to let life pass me by while I stay cocooned inside what's comfortable for me (being out of shape, unsocial, anxious, and stagnant).  I really want this season of my life to be a time for me to grow into who God made me to be instead of holding back out of fear.  I've been on the cusp of this for a long time and I've made significant progress over the past few years, but it's really time for me to just dive in and do it instead of thinking about it.

And now I leave you with some pictures of my cuties:

This is Ellie's "rocket ship" made out of chairs :)

Piper is practicing sitting on the potty (fully clothed haha) and Ellie thought it would be a good idea to read her a story.

Grace is a strong little girl already (just like her big sisters!)

If this isn't the cutest thing I've ever seen...it seriously makes the craziness worth it when I see how loving my girls can be toward each other!

Grace's Birth Story (and my crazy postpartum experience)

It's time for me to write down Grace's birth story!  I'm so afraid I'll forget all of these details (things are already getting a little fuzzy for me and she's only 2.5 weeks old!).  Each of my girls has their own unique story of coming into the world and I always try to get it written out so that I can put a copy of it in their baby books for future reference. :)  So here it is!

The morning of Grace's birth started off well.  I got up a little earlier than normal so that I could get ready and finish packing.  Bonnie (Billy's mom) had spent the night with us, so she was able to get the girls up and eating breakfast so that I could focus on getting those last few things done.  I remember after getting myself completely ready I just sat on the bed in silence.  I had been so excited leading up to her birth that I hadn't really felt nervous, but in that moment it all hit me that we were having our third child and that I would be having abdominal surgery for the third time.  I started thinking about Ellie and Piper and how their little worlds were getting ready to change and that Piper wouldn't be my baby anymore...needless to say, I got a little overwhelmed emotionally.  I did the exact same thing the morning that Piper was born and even in the midst of being all hormonal I laughed at myself.  After the girls finished breakfast they came upstairs to our bedroom so I could have a few minutes alone with them.  I felt sad and happy, excited and freaked out all at the same time.  The girls, of course, were completely wrapped up in having Grandma with us and I don't think they even picked up on my awkwardness.  I think Ellie understood what was happening since we had explained that Mommy and Daddy were going to the hospital to have Grace and that she would be able to come visit us later that evening, but Piper at 21 months old could care less haha.

Billy and I headed to the hospital after that.  He kindly ate breakfast in the car in front of me (while I'm fasting and can't eat or drink anything...) but I did give him permission so I guess I can't fuss about it too much haha.  We got to the hospital at 9:30, took a few pictures outside, and then went to check in.

40 weeks with Grace!

Everything that happened next was identical to how it went with Piper.  We got checked in at registration and got my wristband and paperwork, went up to the family birthplace, and a nurse escorted us to one of the little waiting rooms for surgical patients.  I put on one of those awesome (not) paper nightgowns and got hooked up to the IV.  I was actually pretty excited about getting some IV fluids this time because I was still recovering from a pretty bad cold and had the worst sore throat of my life (seriously!).  I was SO thirsty and getting the fluids actually helped my throat feel a little better.  They put a monitor on me to listen to Grace's heartbeat for 20 minutes (every time I coughed her heart rate would go way up and Billy said I was scaring her!) and I answered a zillion questions.  I got blood drawn, a nausea patch put behind my ear to prevent vomiting from the anesthesia, and talked with my nurses, anesthesiologist, OBGYN, and midwife.  Even though I was having a repeat cesarean I chose to have midwife care throughout my pregnancy and I wouldn't change that for anything.  I still appreciate and love the doctor who did my surgery, but I really enjoyed seeing the midwives.  I feel like they really listened to me and treated me as a whole person.  They go beyond the physical symptoms and really care about how you're doing emotionally and that was something I really appreciated (since I tend to have trust issues with doctors).  

My doctor was running a little late that day (which we expected since I was not first in line for surgery that morning) so Billy and I just sat in our little room and chilled while we waited.  We talked, took some pictures, played on our phones a little bit, and just tried to relax.  Billy kept having issues with the scrubs they brought him to wear and they were all either too small or way too big so that kept me laughing for a while.  Finally they told us it was time!

We walked to the operating room and Billy had a nice little chair to sit in while he waited for me to get ready.  They took me into the freezing cold room and had me straddle the operating table so the anesthesiologist could put the spinal in.  That is always the nerve-wracking part for me (in my head I'm thinking, "Am I bending over far enough?  Will they get the spinal in properly?  Am I going to be paralyzed for life?" haha).  Thankfully my midwife was right there and held my hand through it and kept me chatting so I wouldn't feel as nervous.  I immediately felt my lower half get warm and numb and then it's like I'm a giant rag doll as they get me all situated.  I started to feel kinda bad because the nurses are like, "Can you scoot a little to the side?" and I just lay there because I'm a giant numb blob haha.  They got the sheet up and the anesthesiologist used a pin to prick my shoulder and told me to tell him when I could feel the pinprick again.  He did that all over my stomach and moved his way up until I could feel it again and then the doctor used a clamp to pinch my abdomen for the final test.  I couldn't feel anything so I passed the test and Billy was allowed to come in and sit next to me.  

I always feel a little weird when I get the anesthesia, like I'm really sleepy and calm.  This time, I had a cough going into surgery so that made things a little interesting.  Every now and then I would feel a tickle in my throat like I needed to cough but I was a little paranoid about doing that while they were cutting me open.  There's also this feeling of confusion when talking or laughing because you're supposed to feel your stomach move when you do those things, but because everything is numb you don't feel it and it gives the sensation of not being able to talk/breathe/laugh.  So I mostly stayed silent during the surgery and just smiled and nodded when people asked if I was doing okay.  Billy the Brave decided to actually watch the surgery and spent the whole time standing next to me and looking over the curtain (I didn't know they would let him do that!).  They warned him that if he passed out they weren't going to do anything for him, but of course Billy isn't the least bit squeamish about that stuff and he did fine.  He actually got to see Grace being born, which is a first for him (he wasn't with me during Ellie's birth and he stayed behind the curtain during Piper's birth).  

That's little Grace coming out of my stomach!  Don't mind the bloody rag in the background...

Shortly after she came out we heard her first little cries.  Grace Victoria Ephraim was born at 12:44 pm, measuring 7 pounds 8 ounces and 19 inches long.  Grace's birth is the first one I've actually had that happy-crying thing happen.  I heard her sweet little cry and they held her over for me to see and I just choked up.  She was perfect and precious and mine.  It was perfect.

They did her measurements, Billy cut the umbilical cord, and then I got to snuggle with her while laying on the operating table.  I made sure to tell every single person involved in my surgery that I wanted to do kangaroo care (skin-to-skin contact) immediately, which is something new that our hospital just started doing a few months ago.  I think it was so important to me because I missed out on the first 4 days of Ellie's life and then I didn't get to hold Piper as soon as I thought I would.  I could tell the anesthesiologist was not a fan, but he kindly let me hold my little girl on my chest.  This was by far the best moment of her birth.  She immediately stopped crying when they put her on my chest and got super quiet while I talked to her.  She started looking for food and nuzzled my cheek and it was just the happiest moment I've experienced when having a baby.

The happiest mama in the world! 

My angry 7.5 pound little girl!

After snuggling for a few minutes they took her to the nursery and I felt so much calmer during that time than I did with Piper.  I was so thankful to have held her against me for a few minutes and that really sustained me through the rest of the surgery.  I just relaxed and listened to everyone talking and it was really very calm.  Before I knew it I was done and they were sliding me onto a hospital bed to be wheeled down to my room.  We passed the nursery on the way there and I got another glimpse of Grace while they did her Apgar scores and all that fun stuff.  After about 30 minutes in recovery she was in the room with me and I was able to feed her.  

We had lots of visitors that afternoon and even Ellie made it over to see us that evening.  We figured it would be best for Ellie to come without Piper the first time since she would be able to understand better what was going on and then would (hopefully) help Piper the next day.  She was appropriately interested in Grace but wasn't emotional or confused or anything.  It was more like, "Yep, that's baby Grace, okay what's this thing in your arm Mommy???  And can I push those buttons on your bed?!"  

Piper came to visit on Saturday and she seemed a little bothered that I was in a hospital bed.  She kept staring at me with this confused/accusatory expression haha.  She checked out Grace a little but was mostly interested in exploring the room and messing with everything.  

The girls look thrilled, right?  They were loving those glove balloons, though.

Our hospital stay was pretty relaxed.  Other than hacking up my lungs (and praying my incision wouldn't rip open) it was easy.  Saturday night my pain kinda caught up with me and put me in tears for a few minutes until I could get some heavier painkillers, but after one dose I got in control of my pain and haven't had to take anything stronger than ibuprofen since then.  I definitely wanted to get my strength back as soon as possible and actually got to stand up for a minute the same day I had surgery.  I never want to overdo it, but I also think that pushing myself to stand, walk, take a shower, etc. helps me recover faster.  

Grace was wonderfully relaxed in the hospital (most newborns are, I guess).  She basically spent the whole time sleeping and cuddling.  We did send her to the nursery both nights just because it's the one opportunity I have to try to get some sleep before going home and I like to take advantage of that.  The nurses brought her to me for feeding in the middle of the night and every time they came in they said all she did was sleep in the nursery. 

We came home on Sunday, two days after she was born.  She has been a wonderfully content and sweet-tempered baby.  I feel like (so far) she is really living up to her name.  We love the name Grace as it refers to God's grace; we believe this little girl is an example of an undeserved blessing from God and we've experienced over and over how God gives us so much when we don't deserve an ounce of it.  Victoria means "victory," which is special to me because I went through a really hard season in my life just prior to getting pregnant with Grace.  I had some physical issues that I had been dealing with for a long time and FINALLY found some health professionals who listened to me and helped me overcome those problems.  Having our third little girl after going through all of that felt like a victory to me!  I really wanted to go through my pregnancy with an attitude of joy and thankfulness and her name helped me focus on that.

Our transition to having three children hasn't been nearly as difficult as I anticipated.  Yes, it's still challenging balancing the needs of all these little people, but I really think the transition from one child to two was way harder.  Piper was also a bit of a difficult baby and that probably made our transition harder.  For the most part, Grace is pretty happy to just eat and be held.  She is definitely a little snuggler, but thankfully she has a Daddy who loves to hold her!  She is slowly going longer stretches at night between feedings so I am starting to get a little more sleep at night, but even if she eats every three hours she pretty much goes right back to sleep after eating.

After our first week at home, when I was finally starting to get my normal strength back, I got a stomach bug.  Oh my gosh it was horrible.  I started feeling bad Friday night and by Saturday morning I was stumbling around the house because I was so dizzy and then I started throwing up.  Poor Billy had to be in charge of everyone on Saturday because I was totally bedridden.  Every time I got out of bed I would start vomiting again so I pretty much just stayed laying down.  The troops rallied around us on Sunday and we had tons of family come up to help.  Granny and Poppaw came up to help with Ellie and Piper so that Billy could focus on taking care of Grace and me (they also did laundry and tried to help clean up around here a little!).  Nana and Poppy came up and did some grocery shopping for us and my mom came up to stay with us for the next two days.  By Monday I was still really sick and vomiting every time I got out of bed so we went to my OBGYN's office to get checked out.  They said it was just a stomach bug but that I was severely dehydrated so I received two bags of IV fluids to help me get on top of that.  I guess sickness, breastfeeding, and post-surgical recovery don't mix well?  ;) I still felt horrible but stopped vomiting after I got the fluids.  My mom stayed with us on Monday and Tuesday, my Poppaw came up on Wednesday, and Granny stayed with us on Thursday and Friday.  It really took all of those people for us to get through it and survive.  I finally started getting out of bed on Wednesday and by Friday I was actually showered and dressed (but still pretty dizzy).  I am so thankful for all of my family who took time off work to stay with us and for so many friends who brought meals and prayed for us.  That was rough and I hope that never, ever happens again.

I love her fat little face in this one! 

God knew what He was doing when he gave us this little girl.  She was so undemanding during my sick time and I think that's the only way I was able to continue breastfeeding through being sick.  I feel so very blessed to have my three girls and a loving husband who really is committed to me through sickness and in health...he has seen some really gross and horrible things in the last few years with me and I can't believe he's stuck it out (well, I can believe it because he's just a great man, but seriously....he's seen it all at this point haha).  

Well, that was a long and rambling story, which just goes to show where my brain is these days.  Long story short, Grace is a sweetie pie, Ellie and Piper are some pretty awesome big sisters, I have the greatest husband in the world, and I am SO GLAD I'm not sick anymore!  :)