Yesterday was a terrible day. So bad. And I feel like I've had more bad days in the last month than good ones. I am burned out and hollow and empty and tired. I have no energy to balance everything I'm taking on...I'm stressed about my kids' behavior, my exhaustion, my friends' problems, my disorganization. Name it and it's probably on my list of "things I'm stressed about."
My days feel impossible right now. It's impossible for me to be a happy mom. It's impossible for me to be kind, loving, and gentle with my kids. It's impossible for me to make it through a day without yelling at someone. It's impossible for me to feel rested, rejuvenated, or relaxed. It's impossible for me to have any energy beyond getting out of bed and feeding the kids three meals a day. There are whole days where I don't shower, get dressed, clean up, or do anything significant other than maintaining meal times and nap times. There are days when I have something fun planned, like going to the children's museum or a play group, but when the time comes to leave the house I just can't muster up enough of me to go. Heck, there are days when I desperately need to go to the grocery store because all we have to eat are crackers and water and I still can't even make that happen. At the end of almost every day, my concluding thought is, "I have failed my kids...again."
This last month has been hard. I have had many prayers that don't seem to be answered right now. I have other prayers that are answered, but with a not now and that's even harder for me to take. I wore myself out for the sake of holiday fun and I've retreated from most of my close relationships. I'm not having a lot of face-to-face conversation with other people, which means that all of my fears, guilt, failures, and anxieties live and grow stronger inside my head instead of having the light shone on them from someone else's perspective.
Billy read a devotional by John Piper this morning that started with Mark 10:27: "Jesus looked at them and said, 'With man it is impossible, but not with God. For all things are possible with God.'" Initially that verse sounded trite to me. Kind of like Philippians 4:13: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I have heard that verse used for everything from lifting weights to battling cancer. In this raw moment, it sounds overused and unoriginal. Scripture is God's word and I'm not making light of that, but rather how we so often get these battle cry verses and just use them over and over for the light and heavy things in life.
Thinking over how frustrated I am, I realized that every day does seem impossible. I feel like I'm just flailing in the ocean and trying so hard to keep myself and my three kids from drowning. I might be barely keeping them afloat, but with every wave I suck in a little more salt water. Soon, I will be a dead weight that will drag my kids under, too.
I don't want my life to look like that. I don't want my kids to grow up remembering how Mom was so dark and sad and angry. I don't want to push my husband away because I'm filled with hurt and guilt over my mistakes as a parent. So even though that Scripture sounds rough to me, it is a promise from Jesus. What I look at as impossible, God says it's not when I'm with Him.
I don't know how this will manifest itself today, but I wanted to share this because I can be good at hiding what my real life looks like. The appearance of having it together doesn't mean anything. My real days are filled with screaming and little girls playing princesses and cooking quesadillas again and hair getting caught inside remote-controlled cars and babies learning to walk. Real days are hard and funny and at the end of them I sometimes cry because I just don't know what to do. My hope is that as I get back into community and spending time with real people I will start to let some of these dark things go and rest in Jesus' promises. I'm not alone. My life is not impossible with God. He is the one who gives me strength. He is good.
