Coming to the end....

This has definitely been a reflective past few days for me, knowing that Piper will be born sometime this week.  I had my 40 week appointment last Friday, which was my due date.  I've hesitated writing about it, because I guess everyone knows my feelings by now about the scheduled c-section, but I feel like writing today so here it is.

I spent the entire doctor's appointment crying.  I know that seems ridiculous.  It kinda is.  But remember, my hormones are insane right now, and I'm going to have to do something I don't want to do...so I think I kinda had the right to cry on Friday, haha.  Anyway, my appointment was pretty early in the morning, around 8:30, so I was probably the first patient to see the doctor that morning.  At 9:15 they still hadn't called me back, and about 10 or so people had come in after me and had already been called back, so I asked the receptionist if everything was okay.  She checked on the situation for me...come to find out, there was some kind of glitch in their new computer system and the nurse didn't know I had checked in, so she hadn't called me yet.  Very frustrating for me.

So they finally call me back, and the nurse (one I've seen once before) starts asking me questions like, "So why are you having a scheduled c-section?" (hello, it's in my chart!) and "Did you have high blood pressure in your first pregnancy?" (again, read the info lady).  Then we start going over the information for my c-section on the 13th, including what time it's scheduled for and when we're supposed to arrive at the hospital.  When I scheduled it, they gave me a piece of paper that said it would be at 10 am...and now the nurse says 11:30, but I was never notified of that.  She then tells me that it was rescheduled for 3 pm, then moved again to 11:30 am.  I'm so confused by then, and I tell the nurse that I was never told of it being rescheduled and that she needs to double check the information and get back to me.

So she leaves me in the room with a piece of paper that reviews the risks involved in a c-section that I need to read over before seeing the doctor.  I sit there reading this sheet and become completely overwhelmed because it's talking about things like blood loss/need for transfusion/risk of HIV infection, uterine infection/hysterectomy, uterine rupture, injury to the baby, etc. and I'm thinking, "Really...they're basically forcing me to have a c-section and then they want me to sign my consent based on reading all the risks, which sound way worse than just letting me go to 42 weeks and hoping for a VBAC."  So then I start crying and freaking out.  I now realize that I made a huge mistake in not making Billy come to the appointment with me.  I probably would have had much more self control with him there, and even if I didn't he would be there to calm me down, since he's just about the only person who can get me calm and happy after a huge emotional episode.  So I try to calm down but I just can't...and then the doctor walks in and he's like, "So, are you ready?!" in this happy excited voice and I'm like, "NO!"  Haha...he then realizes that I'm not happy and I'm freaking out, so he sits down and asks me what's going on.  He was actually VERY kind and understanding, and listened to all of my fears and worries and concerns.  We talked about what happened with Ellie's birth and why my c-section experience was so not normal.  He reassured me that this experience will be different, and then walked me through the entire procedure.  I was still crying and carrying on through all of this (so props to the doctor for actually being able to talk while I'm hyperventilating and carrying on with tears and snot all over the place...and kudos to him for not laughing at me, since I probably looked ridiculous).  I left the office feeling better...although still not happy about the surgery.  But I just don't really have a choice.  These are their rules, and I guess I could always reject their advice, but then I'd be forfeiting my ability to be a patient at that office and I'm pretty sure they're more "natural-friendly" than the other office here in town.  Plus, I understand their concerns, especially since I've had a previous c-section and the risks for an induced VBAC far outweigh the risks of a repeat c-section.

Needless to say, I'm still pretty bitter about it.  And angry.  And frustrated.  And pretty much any other negative emotion you can think of.  I know this could be SO much worse...and logically I know that I have so much to be thankful for, considering how terrible my birth experience with Ellie was.  I've been reliving that experience this week, trying to get a better perspective on things.  I was kinda hoping that thinking about how awful her birth was would help me see this one in a better light, but so far it's not really working.  I feel pretty confident, though, that this c-section will be a million times better than my last one, and that after it's all said and done on Friday I won't care one bit how Piper was born, just that she's safe and healthy and that I get to hold her.

Poor Billy...he has been SO patient with me through all of this...all of my ranting and raving and carrying on about how this isn't right or fair.  He's been very understanding and supportive, for which I am so very thankful.  I know it can't be easy for him, listening to me talk about this constantly.  And especially because I feel like I'm crying all of the time (an exaggeration; but seriously, at least once a day at this point).  God truly blessed me with a husband who has unending patience with me and who also gives me grace on a daily basis.  I am SO thankful that Billy will be with me in surgery on Friday...there is no possible way I could do this by myself, especially without him.  I'm fairly certain he'll be sitting next to me cracking jokes and coming up with new nicknames for Piper (a special talent of his).  Just today he referred to her as "Chumpkin Numero Dos" (one of his nicknames for Ellie is "Chumpkin") and "The Squeakquel"...lol.

I would appreciate any prayers from folks who read this...especially prayers that God would give me peace about how things have turned out.  I don't even need God to show my why I'm not having a VBAC...just that I would have peace about it and come to terms with how things have ended up differently than I anticipated.  Because if God is allowing me to have a c-section, then I know there's a purpose behind it.  I might never know what that is, but it doesn't matter.  I just want to be okay with it and stop being angry over it.  At this point, it doesn't look very likely that I'll have a VBAC...I guess there's still a slight chance it could happen, but the doctor today said it's not "favorable."  So, realistically, it's probably not going to happen.  God can still work a miracle in my body (which would be amazing!), but I understand at this point that I need to mentally and physically prepare myself for the surgery.  So it's time for me to move forward, get over my bitterness and anger, and just look forward to holding my precious baby girl in three days.  Three days!  And on Friday the 13th...hehe =)

Thank you all for bearing with me during this time...I know I have probably been the most annoying person ever, constantly ranting and raving about this one thing.  Soon, it will be over, and then I'll be talking non-stop about how amazingly cute Piper is and how stressful life with two kids under two is.  Stressful, but wonderful! =)