So this month has been pretty crazy for me physically, emotionally, and mentally. We are moving in just over a week (!!!) and I'm so excited about that! However, I am not loving the whole "living in a mess of boxes" thing right now. I am feeling pretty unmotivated to get things done and I'm really lost on how to actually be productive when I'm trying to keep all three kids happy, safe, and occupied. So I just spend a lot of time thinking about what needs to be done instead of actually doing it. On top of that, my Gracie girl is so done with nursing and while I've accepted that I can't control her choices, it definitely makes me sad. My physical need-based bond with her is over earlier than I wanted it to be. I'm trying to remind myself that I nursed her for longer than she will be on formula and that we made it to 7.5 months on mostly breastmilk (so that's longer than none!). I've been holding on for the last month or so by nursing once a day and doing formula twice a day but I knew that wouldn't last very long. She's just not interested in nursing anymore and it stresses me out to try to push it, so yesterday I just called it and said we were done with that. And after a week or so I'm sure I'll be okay with it and it won't make me burst into tears to talk about it.
I've been pretty exhausted lately and definitely stressed and I know it comes out in the way I talk to Billy and the girls. I do really try to keep myself in control and not explode or freak out but sometimes I just hit my limit. I'm also in a perpetual state of guilt over the things I don't do or don't do well, like cooking dinner, playing with the kids, reading more than one book a day with them, taking them outside, etc. Right now we're in survival mode and unfortunately that's just my reality. I can still try to be intentional with them but I know I will probably fall short in my own eyes until we can get back to some sort of normal existence.
Lately Ellie has had some pretty interesting thoughts about spiritual things. I love how much more aware she has become about who Jesus is and how He loves us. This has also brought some interesting things into conversation, like death and Jesus' cross and many things that we're just not sure how to respond to. Yesterday she told Billy and I, "Jesus says I should not hit Piper." And we're like, "That's right, we shouldn't hit!" Then she says to me, "Mommy, Jesus says you should not yell at us and make us sad anymore." I really didn't know what to say. In the moment I kind of laughed and found it amusing, but it stayed with me all day and I just kept playing it over in my head.
I'm just going to confess it now....I yell when I'm frustrated with the kids. I ask them to clean up, they act like they don't hear me, and then I yell to get their attention. They start fighting each other while I'm feeding Grace and I yell to get them to stop. We're running late and need to be somewhere and one of my children takes FOREVER to get dressed because she'll take her pajamas off and then stand in the middle of her room naked and crying that she's cold while she has her hands full of nice warm clothes. So I yell, "PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON!!!" I yell because things that are very black and white to me aren't that way for my kids. And what's crazy is that I remember being little and doing stupid things that frustrated my teachers or my parents and I never once thought, "I'm going to do something stupid and bad on purpose!" I was just curious or distracted and didn't think before acting. Which is exactly what all little kids do. Including my own.
So what do you do when your kids call you out (what did I do)?
Number one, I'd say go cry it out (preferably with God and your husband, who were both right there when it all went down and they know about it anyway). Have a good cry and let out all those feelings of guilt and sadness and confess whatever you need to get off your chest (even if that turns into a conversation about weaning your baby earlier than you wanted).
Number two, recognize that God is here in this moment and He knows every struggle you face every day. He doesn't want you to feel like you have to do all of this alone. He made you the way you are, including your strengths and weaknesses. If you and I were perfect people who never did anything wrong, I know we would probably feel like we don't need God. But I think God allows for our sinful issues or weaknesses so that we realize we can't live without Him. A verse I come back to over and over is 2 Corinthians 12:9: "But he [the Lord] said to me [Paul], 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." I really do believe that God gets glory from us admitting our faults, issues, sins, problems, weaknesses, struggles, whatever. Because we can use those times as an opportunity to say, "God, I need you. I'm really struggling with yelling at my kids and controlling my anger. Help me to have self control and tap into your Spirit when I can feel that rage coming." And I trust that God will answer that prayer.
Number three, apologize and ask forgiveness from whomever you've affected. This is something I really need to work on, because I often don't bother to ask for forgiveness until my kids call me out on something and that guilt motivates me to apologize.
Number four, move on. Yes, it hurt a lot when Ellie said that. But she is a child who honestly told me (without fear of my reaction) how I had hurt her. Isn't that kind of awesome in a way? She felt safe enough with me to say that out loud without any fear of retribution. And she was just telling me how she felt. When I look at what I want for my children as they grow up, that is definitely on my list. I want my children to feel comfortable asking any question or telling us anything about how they feel, and never fearing that we won't love them because of it. So in a way, this little heartbreaking and embarrassing comment from my daughter helped me see that I'm doing okay as a parent. Yes, I have things I definitely need to work on. But I'm a work in progress just like everyone else. It's time to learn what I can from this and move forward.
And by the way...for those folks who read this blog, thank you! You have no idea how much your comments and encouragement mean to me. This journey of tearing down my facade of perfectionism is so important to me right now, so for those people who remind me that it's good to be real with others, I really appreciate you. You are a major blessing to me on my journey! Please please please email or message me on Facebook if there's ever a way I can bless you in return!
