Musings from Calm My Anxious Heart

I mentioned in my last blog post that I've started a book called Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow. I'm a little over halfway through the book right now and thought I would share about what I'm learning while I'm reading.

First of all, I have to say that I like this book a WHOLE lot more than I thought I would.  I typically avoid reading non-fiction books, mainly because I think they're boring and I usually come away feeling like I need to change everything about my life.  While this book is definitely giving me a lot to think about (and work on!), I don't feel like a complete failure...instead, I think I'm now a little more equipped to handle some of my anxiety issues.  Dillow recognizes that almost ALL women worry about something (so I'm not alone!) and that it IS a sin to have anxiety.  Before reading this book, I don't think I truly recognized anxiety as a sin...I just kind of saw it as something I have and don't know how to deal with sometimes.  The author cites Philippians 4:6-7 and Matthew 6:25-34 as clear scriptural evidence that worry and anxiety are sinful.  She dispels the myth that worrying about things makes you a better person/parent/friend.  I'm so guilty of rationalizing my worries and telling myself that it's "natural" to worry about things I have no control over.  Great example from this week...

First, I'll mention that the Internet can be a great thing...but it can also become a source for anxiety.  I came across a blog earlier this week written by a single mom of a little boy with a very rare genetic skin disorder.  She had a perfectly normal, healthy pregnancy and birth, then came to find out in the hospital after her baby was born that he had this terrible disease that caused his skin to erupt in blisters anytime he was rubbed or touched by something rough.  I continued to read on her blog about all the trials they've gone through, about her hope in Christ, and how her little 2 year old boy has slowly deteriorated due to his disease and that one day it would take his life.  I was just thinking how powerful that story was...and then I came across her most recent post that was just written on Saturday.  Her little boy died shortly after waking up Saturday morning...in her arms.

After reading all of this, I just cried and cried.  I'm crying right now as I'm remembering the story.  Yes, maybe it's because I'm extremely hormonal right now, but it doesn't change the fact that this is such a powerful and heartbreaking story.  After I calmed myself down, I started thinking about Piper (our baby due in April).  I thought about what it would be like to not know that she had some crazy genetic disorder, and then to find out after she was born and somehow learn to cope and help her as much as I could.  And then for her to die later in life...the point is, I lost all ability to think clearly at that point.  I became paranoid, worried, and anxious that Piper had something wrong with her and I didn't know about it.  I could feel the stress building up and my thoughts were consumed with worry and guilt about something that wasn't even TRUE for us.

I realized then how desperately I needed to read this book.  I've come to recognize that almost everything I worry about has to do with the future...and 80% of it is outside of my control.  Sure, I can take care of some things, like when I worried about finding a new OBGYN here in Harrisonburg.  I finally decided one day that I was going to stop fretting about my new doctor and just call and get one.  And you know what?  After I called the office and got an appointment set up, I felt SO much better.  I'm still a little nervous about how it will go, if I'll like the new doctor, etc., but I'm not worried about it anymore because I've done what I can.  On the other hand, me worrying about things like Piper having some horrible genetic disorder when she's born or Ellie not knowing Christ when she gets older....those things really aren't in my hands.  Yes, I can be healthy while I'm pregnant and teach Ellie about Jesus, but it's not up to me if my children will know Christ or have perfect health....it's up to God.

One last nugget of truth that I've gleaned from this book has to do with our anxiety over our season of life, or more specifically our "roles" in life.  In chapter 4, Dillow discusses how often we experience stress and anxiety over where we are in life.  She gives this example (paraphrased by me):

The teenager wants to be an adult so she can do what she wants;
The single woman (who can do whatever she wants) wants to get married;
The married woman (who now has her husband she so desperately wanted) wants to have kids;
The mother (who now has the children she longed for) wants her kids to grow up so she can have her life back;
The mother whose children have grown up wishes they were young again....

And the cycle just keeps going (and can be applied in so many other ways, whether it has to do with wanting more money, a better house, more freedom, etc.)  I'm definitely guilty of this one.  Looking back through the different seasons of life I've gone through, I've always wanted to be in the next season.  When I was single, I wanted to get married.  Once I got married, I wanted to have kids.  Now that I have Ellie, I've wished that she would grow into the next phase of her life so that things would be "easier" (but they never are easier!).  Dillow talks about having contentment with the season of life you're in and seeing it as your "assigned role" instead of just something you have to go through to get where you want to be.  My assigned role right now is to be a mom to a toddler, and I have to find joy and contentment in this role instead of wishing for something else.  This chapter really convicted me and has changed my perspective a little on how I go through the day, what my inner thoughts and motivations are.  Granted, it's still hard and frustrating sometimes when Ellie is throwing her fifth temper tantrum of the day or when she won't nap longer than 45 minutes....but that's not every day, and it helps to remind myself that this is all part of my God-given job and that Ellie is learning as we go along.

I would highly recommend this book, especially if you have struggles with anxiety.  It serves as a great reminder that there is no quick fix to finding contentment and getting over anxiety...it's a daily choice that has to be made to think positively and allow the One who IS in control to do His work for His glory.

Lots of Changes: An Update on the Ephraims

Aaaand...again, it's been way too long since my last post.  I think sometimes I run out of interesting things to talk about.  Not that this blog is out to accomplish anything in particular, except maybe to keep me sane while I spend most of my days home alone with a little squirt.  So I'll give an update on where we are now, since a lot has changed since my last post!  And hopefully I'll be doing some interesting things in the future, and can share them on here...

For starters, we are expecting another baby girl!  Piper Josephine will be here sometime in April, so I have about 3 months to get myself together and mentally prepare as much as I can for the craziness of having two children.  My pregnancy is going well so far, although I still have my moments of fear.  I have to constantly remind myself to give this situation up to God and allow Him to be in control of whatever happens...and (gulp) I have to accept the outcome as His will.  In retrospect, the situation with Ellie was a completely God-glorifying moment in my life.  He used me (and Ellie) for a greater purpose, and I'm thankful I can see that now.  So I'm trusting that whatever happens with this little one is for a purpose.  Easier said than done...

Another big change for us is that we've moved to Harrisonburg, VA.  Billy got a job with Dynamic Aviation (praise God!) and he's loving it so far.  We are blown away by God's provision for us in the past month and a half.  Billy's story of getting hired is pretty amazing.  Back in November, he had a preliminary recruiting interview with Dynamic.  They came to Liberty to hire some A&Ps, and Billy went ahead and signed up for an interview.  That was on Tuesday.  Wednesday he got a call from them saying they wanted to do a second interview at their facility in Bridgewater, VA.  Thursday he drove 2 hours with a friend (who was also interviewing) and had his second interview and a tour of the facility.  And Friday he got a job offer.  It was such a whirlwind, we were completely surprised and amazed at how quickly things happened.  And what's even more interesting...the next day, Saturday, he got a job offer from a place in Anchorage, Alaska.  We had a hard time deciding between the two...but eventually came to a mutual agreement that Dynamic would be the best situation for us.  And we are SO glad we came here!  We are settled into our new home and really enjoying Harrisonburg so far.  It's a college town, so there are TONS of students here.  It reminds me a little of Lynchburg because we have several colleges in the area...JMU, Bridgewater, Eastern Mennonite University, etc.  The population is quite a bit smaller here than in Lynchburg, with a larger influx of students (compared to Lynchburg) during the school year.  It's an interesting thing to observe.  We've found a church that we really like...it's smaller than what we're used to in Lynchburg, and it's a church plant, with the original intention of serving the university community.  It's kinda morphed into a college and family church, with a diverse group of people in attendance.  Anyway, it's doctrinally sound and we feel very welcome there.  Hoping to join a small group in the future and get to know some people!

Billy has adjusted really well to his work routine.  He gets up super early in the morning (5:30 is EXTREMELY early for us...) and works 7-4.  We're usually in bed by 10 every night.  Last night, Billy observed that we have truly turned into "old people."  We're both exhausted by the time Ellie goes to bed at 8, and we have about an hour and a half to just chill and relax together and then we shuffle (slowly) up the stairs and collapse into bed.  But we're loving this new phase of our lives!

Ellie has also adjusted pretty well to the new house...she has much more freedom and space to explore on the main level of our townhouse, and she has learned about the new boundaries we've put in place, such as not getting on the stairs unless we're with her and not getting into the kitchen cabinets.  The noise level here is much quieter than our old neighborhood, so we're very thankful for that.

I think I've completely adjusted to living here, although I'm using the navigation system on my phone quite a bit to go places like the library and post office.  Although, I'm slowly learning this new town.  I've already gotten back into the swing of weekly grocery shopping (so glad we still have Kroger!).  There's a store here I've never heard of until moving called Martin's.  We drove past it one day and I thought the place looked kinda crusty on the outside.  We decided to check it out one day because I had found some deals blogs that featured the Martin's ad and saw a couple things that were on sale that would be worth going for.  And we went in and my mind was blown.  It is a HUGE grocery store...with a cafe, and a place to order food....it was SO nice.  It was also jam-packed with people...apparently that's where everyone likes to shop.  It reminded me a lot of Ukrop's, except that the prices were decent and the sale prices were actually really good.  Needless to say, I will be keeping an eye on the Martin's ad for good deals from now on.  We also have Rite Aid here, which is new to me, but I haven't really explored the Rite Aid method of shopping/couponing much since I'm so used to shopping at CVS.  I've had my bouts of loneliness and boredom every now and then...I remember in Lynchburg going out almost every day, whether it was to visit Laura and Adin or just run to Target to kill some time.  Here, I barely leave the house.  I'm not sure if it's because it's a new place, or I don't know anyone, or the cold weather, or I'm just getting lazy...but I have very little motivation to leave the house.  It's not bad, though, just different for me.

I have resolved, however, to start doing some little projects to stay busy.  First, I branched out and bought a bunch of new books to read (from authors I have never read before!).  I've already consumed The Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins...it was excellent.  I have started reading Calm My Anxious Heart by Linda Dillow, and so far I like it.  I'm not a huge fan of self-help or nonfiction books in general, but I thought this one might be helpful for me as I struggle with anxiety and worry.  It's a book about becoming content with your life despite the circumstances, and really living out Philippians 4.  I've also gotten a budgeting/finance book from Money Saving Mom, and I'm definitely looking forward to reading it as I'm such a huge fan of her blog.  And, lastly, I ordered a parenting book called Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches by Rachel Jankovic, as it sounded like something I needed to read =).

Also, I got a sewing machine for Christmas and plan on learning how to use it...we'll see how that goes.  I'm thinking Billy will have to be my teacher (yes, he knows how to use one...I do not...) and I've pinned a few easy sewing projects on Pinterest that I would like to do.  The first is a DIY taggie blanket that seems very simple and easy to do...plus, it's for Piper, and she couldn't care less how bad my sewing skills are =).  The second one is another baby craft, DIY stuffed animals, that looks very easy.  If I can accomplish these simple sewing crafts, I think I'll gain a little more confidence to really get into sewing.  I'll share my experiences on here (with pictures, of course).

And I guess that's it from me!