Tomorrow is the first day of school for my little Ellie. If she overheard me calling her little, she would pipe right up and say, "Mooommmm...I'm not little. I'm a big kid, remember?" I have so many mixed emotions right now. Let me just preface all of this by saying that while she will be a "young five" going into Kindergarten, she is developmentally very ready for this. We are fortunate to have a lovely school very close to us, which appears to have so many enrichment opportunities with a heavy focus on early literacy. We've met her teacher, who is both kind and experienced and gives us the impression that she truly loves her job. We're very lucky considering all of the variables that go into starting school. We've also had many people ask why we're not homeschooling, or seem surprised when they learn that she'll be going to public school. And I'll just say that like homeschooling, sending your kids to public school is a choice with pros and cons, and in this season of our life this is our choice. It doesn't mean that we think homeschool isn't a good choice, but it's just not the right one for us right now. I am thankful to live in a city with so many options and so many diverse experiences among my friends. :)
But today? I feel a little heartbroken. My daughter, with whom I've spent pretty much every day of the last five years, will no longer spend her days at home with me. I will not be her caregiver between the hours of 8:30 and 3:30. Someone else will see her achieve great things and watch as she makes mistakes. Other kids will spend their days with her rather than her two younger sisters. Other adults will encourage, love, and discipline her during that time. I won't know every moment of every day with her. It is so hard to let go when I've spent her entire life trying to hold on. To love her well every day through the projectile vomiting, temper tantrums, boo boos, and the steep learning curve that is potty training. To give so much of myself to her when I'd rather sit in silence. To teach her all of the little things she might need to know before starting school. Knowing when to step in and when to step back and let her learn on her own. The last five years have forced me to throw myself out there when I'd rather run away and to know when to hold my tongue and watch her fall. So much of who I am is wrapped up in her. This child has changed me in some of the most dramatic ways. No wonder this is so hard.
I am sad and worried and excited and thrilled all at once. I'm sad for myself, because I will miss her. I'm worried about how she'll handle her mistakes, or how she'll get along with her classmates, or if she'll eat her lunch well, or if she'll be tired by 2:00. I'm excited for her because she'll get so many more opportunities in school that I could never give her. I'm thrilled because the teacher in me is jumping for joy over her classroom and the curriculum and her teacher and the staff and just all of the things. Today I held her on my lap for just a moment and thought about the tiny four-pound baby that she was and the smart, funny, beautiful little girl that she is now and I'm thankful. So thankful for this healthy girl despite all of our health scares early on. Grateful that God gave her life and let us be her parents. And enormously proud of the person she is becoming.
I will probably be a wreck tomorrow, and I anticipate she'll have some emotions as well. But just like every other thing we've faced in the last five years, I know we'll be okay. I look forward to this new part of our life as a family and the opportunity to give Piper some more attention and guidance. I can't wait to see how each of my girls grow and change in the coming months.
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