What to Do When Your Kids Call You Out

So this month has been pretty crazy for me physically, emotionally, and mentally.  We are moving in just over a week (!!!) and I'm so excited about that!  However, I am not loving the whole "living in a mess of boxes" thing right now.  I am feeling pretty unmotivated to get things done and I'm really lost on how to actually be productive when I'm trying to keep all three kids happy, safe, and occupied.  So I just spend a lot of time thinking about what needs to be done instead of actually doing it.  On top of that, my Gracie girl is so done with nursing and while I've accepted that I can't control her choices, it definitely makes me sad.  My physical need-based bond with her is over earlier than I wanted it to be.  I'm trying to remind myself that I nursed her for longer than she will be on formula and that we made it to 7.5 months on mostly breastmilk (so that's longer than none!).  I've been holding on for the last month or so by nursing once a day and doing formula twice a day but I knew that wouldn't last very long.  She's just not interested in nursing anymore and it stresses me out to try to push it, so yesterday I just called it and said we were done with that.  And after a week or so I'm sure I'll be okay with it and it won't make me burst into tears to talk about it.

I've been pretty exhausted lately and definitely stressed and I know it comes out in the way I talk to Billy and the girls.  I do really try to keep myself in control and not explode or freak out but sometimes I just hit my limit.  I'm also in a perpetual state of guilt over the things I don't do or don't do well, like cooking dinner, playing with the kids, reading more than one book a day with them, taking them outside, etc.  Right now we're in survival mode and unfortunately that's just my reality.  I can still try to be intentional with them but I know I will probably fall short in my own eyes until we can get back to some sort of normal existence.

Lately Ellie has had some pretty interesting thoughts about spiritual things.  I love how much more aware she has become about who Jesus is and how He loves us.  This has also brought some interesting things into conversation, like death and Jesus' cross and many things that we're just not sure how to respond to.  Yesterday she told Billy and I, "Jesus says I should not hit Piper."  And we're like, "That's right, we shouldn't hit!"  Then she says to me, "Mommy, Jesus says you should not yell at us and make us sad anymore."  I really didn't know what to say.  In the moment I kind of laughed and found it amusing, but it stayed with me all day and I just kept playing it over in my head.

I'm just going to confess it now....I yell when I'm frustrated with the kids.  I ask them to clean up, they act like they don't hear me, and then I yell to get their attention.  They start fighting each other while I'm feeding Grace and I yell to get them to stop.  We're running late and need to be somewhere and one of my children takes FOREVER to get dressed because she'll take her pajamas off and then stand in the middle of her room naked and crying that she's cold while she has her hands full of nice warm clothes.  So I yell, "PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON!!!"  I yell because things that are very black and white to me aren't that way for my kids.  And what's crazy is that I remember being little and doing stupid things that frustrated my teachers or my parents and I never once thought,  "I'm going to do something stupid and bad on purpose!"  I was just curious or distracted and didn't think before acting.  Which is exactly what all little kids do.  Including my own.

So what do you do when your kids call you out (what did I do)?

Number one, I'd say go cry it out (preferably with God and your husband, who were both right there when it all went down and they know about it anyway).  Have a good cry and let out all those feelings of guilt and sadness and confess whatever you need to get off your chest (even if that turns into a conversation about weaning your baby earlier than you wanted).

Number two, recognize that God is here in this moment and He knows every struggle you face every day.  He doesn't want you to feel like you have to do all of this alone.  He made you the way you are, including your strengths and weaknesses.  If you and I were perfect people who never did anything wrong, I know we would probably feel like we don't need God.  But I think God allows for our sinful issues or weaknesses so that we realize we can't live without Him.  A verse I come back to over and over is 2 Corinthians 12:9: "But he [the Lord] said to me [Paul], 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."  I really do believe that God gets glory from us admitting our faults, issues, sins, problems, weaknesses, struggles, whatever.  Because we can use those times as an opportunity to say, "God, I need you.  I'm really struggling with yelling at my kids and controlling my anger.  Help me to have self control and tap into your Spirit when I can feel that rage coming."  And I trust that God will answer that prayer.

Number three, apologize and ask forgiveness from whomever you've affected.  This is something I really need to work on, because I often don't bother to ask for forgiveness until my kids call me out on something and that guilt motivates me to apologize.

Number four, move on.  Yes, it hurt a lot when Ellie said that.  But she is a child who honestly told me (without fear of my reaction) how I had hurt her.  Isn't that kind of awesome in a way?  She felt safe enough with me to say that out loud without any fear of retribution.  And she was just telling me how she felt.  When I look at what I want for my children as they grow up, that is definitely on my list.  I want my children to feel comfortable asking any question or telling us anything about how they feel, and never fearing that we won't love them because of it.  So in a way, this little heartbreaking and embarrassing comment from my daughter helped me see that I'm doing okay as a parent.  Yes, I have things I definitely need to work on.  But I'm a work in progress just like everyone else.  It's time to learn what I can from this and move forward.

And by the way...for those folks who read this blog, thank you!  You have no idea how much your comments and encouragement mean to me.  This journey of tearing down my facade of perfectionism is so important to me right now, so for those people who remind me that it's good to be real with others, I really appreciate you.  You are a major blessing to me on my journey!  Please please please email or message me on Facebook if there's ever a way I can bless you in return!

A Letter to My Newlywed Self

I've been wanting to write a post on marriage for a while now.  I actually started writing one a while ago, but when it got to 3,000 words I decided to scrap that and write a letter to myself as a newlywed instead (here's to being concise!).  I have very few regrets over the course of my life, but the early years of our marriage holds one of them.  It's easy to put up a front and look like you have the perfect relationship on the outside, while keeping a lot hidden...and I really did that.  So if I could go talk to 19-year-old-newlywed Kristen, this is what I would say.

Dear Younger Kristen,

Congratulations on getting married!  I know you feel like it couldn’t come fast enough.  But, can you believe it?  You are finally here, where you always wanted to be.

Now that the honeymoon vacation is over and Billy’s back to work, I know what you’re thinking.  There’s so much to do.  You’ve got to prepare for the fall semester, get your apartment in order, and start figuring out how to cook something other than tacos or pancakes.  Your mental list is long.

I know you’re also thinking about this new adventure of being married.  It’s so much fun to be known as Kristen Ephraim, isn’t it?  And waking up next to your husband every day and embarking on all the new couple-y activities like finding a church with a newlyweds Sunday School class, grocery shopping together (that one won’t work out too well, just so you know), and doing his laundry and…hmm.  That doesn’t really seem so exciting.  I mean, you knew those things were coming, so it’s not a surprise.  But it seemed so much more romantic before you got married.  Now that you’re there in the middle of it, cooking and cleaning and laundry and being the wife is a little more work than what you were anticipating.

But, you know what?  It’s okay to not do it all.  Your tiny little apartment does not have to be perfectly clean and organized all the time.  You will learn to let these things go, but honestly it will only happen after you have your third child (and you will live in a much larger house that can’t be cleaned in less than 10 minutes).  Those are coming, by the way.  The kids.  In a few years you will have three perfect, charming, and beautiful little monsters who will consume most of your day.  They are way more hilarious than you could ever anticipate.  They will also push you until you don’t think you have anything left to give.  They will scare you to death, make you cry and yell, and they will melt your heart.  You will see so much of yourself and Billy in them, which will make you proud and scared at the same time.  You will worry about how you will raise them to be strong, independent, and compassionate young women.  And no, I don’t have that one figured out yet…but I’m trusting that it will be okay.

Really, the reason I’m writing this letter is because I want to talk to you about your brand-new, very young husband.  I know you love him so much and you already know how great he is.  But can I just tell you something?  He needs you just as much as you need him.  I already know how stubborn you can be, Kristen…because I was you.  I remember how you shut Billy out when you were upset.  How insecure you were in your own worth.  How afraid you were to let people down.  How embarrassed and ashamed you felt because physical intimacy with your husband was painful and nothing like what you thought it would be.  And how all of that just consumed your thoughts.

You and Billy will go through a few really difficult years until this problem gets sorted out (almost 6 years, actually).  You will wonder if being married is the same as living with a roommate.  You will break each other’s hearts while trying to figure out what married life is supposed to look like.  You will beg God for healing and change and get bitter when it doesn’t happen immediately.  You will give up and lose hope and try to accept that this is what your life will look like…but that sweet husband of yours?  He will stick by you.  He will hear you when you are venting and raging and just done.  And he will be the one who encourages you to make that appointment one more time.

And at that appointment, you have my permission to just lose it.  Tell that midwife everything (believe me, if you don’t tell her, she will ask you the most embarrassing questions and then you’ll have to tell her anyway).  She will look you in the eye and say, “Girl, this is not right.  There’s no way you should live like that.”  And she will not only diagnose you, but also refer you to a specialist who will (through prayer, hard work, and God’s hand) help heal you. 

It will still take some time for you to let go of that problem, even after the physical healing happens.  You will hold onto your mental and emotional barriers.  You and Billy will refer to that mental block as “the brick wall.”  Every negative experience puts 10 bricks on, and every positive experience takes one brick down.  But don’t lose hope!  I’ll go ahead and tell you that after you celebrate your seventh anniversary, things get a lot better.  You and Billy will finally enjoy everything that God designed for marriage.  You will feel free to actually communicate with Billy (using real words, not just the silent treatment!).  You will lean on each other when the kids are going crazy and life gets stressful.  You will be able to enjoy sex with your husband and it will fortify your marriage like you wouldn’t believe.  You will learn to see the storms you endured in your early years as laying the foundation for your commitment, and you will learn to thank God for those hard times.

I know you hear people say this all the time: marriage is hard.  And I think you do know that, despite being a newlywed.  But can I encourage you, right now?  Marriage is AWESOME.  Yes, it’s challenging.  You will get mad, bored, stressed, and lazy.  But you will find that your husband will be the very best part of your day.  He will make you laugh and give you grace.  He will do anything he possibly can to make you feel loved (including, but not limited to, Thai food and blizzards from Dairy Queen).  He will support you when you’re hurting and say “I love you” a million times a day because he means it.  He will take the time to have deep conversations with you about America’s education system, how to raise our children to not be idiots, and what we think will happen on the next season of The Walking Dead.  He won’t laugh at you when you say stupid things when you’re tired, like “You can only see lightning at night.”  Or rather, he won’t laugh until you realize what you just said and then you both lose it. 

So yes, marriage is hard.  But it is also fun and good and hilarious and life changing.  Kristen, it is seriously the best decision you ever made.  Billy was the perfect choice for you.  Thank God every day that you have him as your husband for life.  And just so you know, we don’t have it all figured out yet.  But we are learning and growing and happy.  You will love it when you get here. 

With love from the future,

Kristen

A Bad Week

In the interest of fleshing out what I last wrote about, here's a rundown of our not-so-great week, which has pushed me to my breaking point more times than I care to admit.

So...we are moving.  We are actually very excited about that and are pretty thrilled with our new home, but as everyone knows moving is just hard.  We are in the middle of packing, purging, and getting ready for a yard sale, so our house is just a huge disaster.  I am not a neat freak, but I really dislike living in clutter and mess.  It overwhelms me and puts me in a terrible mood.  Chores have gotten put on the back burner, so our house isn't very clean, either.  Dirty dishes, piles of laundry, dust and pine needles and tiny specks of who knows what all over the carpet....ugh.

The kids are having a tough time right now.  They must sense my stress, because they are fighting a lot and pushing many of my buttons.  Ellie and Piper get upset anytime they see me put something in the yard sale pile...like unopened containers of Play-Doh that they've never played with that are also duplicate colors that we already have.  Or a bowl that I've had since college that has no purpose.  Or a wipe warmer that we haven't used in a year.  It doesn't matter what it is, they are really bothered by it.  So I feel like a crazy hoarder trying to hide the yard sale stuff from them...and I've run out of space to store all this stuff where they can't see it.  Now that the temperature has gone down a bit, Ellie complains of being cold all the time because she has no fat on her tiny little body.  If they're not wearing socks AT ALL TIMES it is a crisis and....yeah.

I found lice on Piper.  LICE.  I wanted to cry a million tears over that.  Objectively, I know that lice isn't *that* big of a deal.  But it really is for me, because I had it as a kid and it was probably the most humiliating thing I experienced as a child.  A thousand times worse than throwing up in the middle of my fourth grade classroom in front of everyone.  This is the thing that has pushed me over the edge this week.  I have cried and yelled and just lost my mind over this.  It has been horrible.

I am eternally grateful for Billy, who is calm when I am...not.  He has been the kindest, most level-headed person this week (he really is all the time, but I've noticed it so much more this week while I'm going crazy).  He came home on his lunch break today to find me in pajamas and a bathrobe, not showered and just generally stressed, and he gave me a kiss and said, "You look nice."  I definitely did not look nice, but he meant it.  Thank you, God, for giving me this sweet man!

Are any of these things horrible?  No.  Will they get better?  Thank goodness, yes!  I have learned so much about myself this week, especially pertaining to the lice situation.  It seems like a weird (disgusting?) way to learn a lesson, but I've realized just how many of my childhood hurts I still carry with me.  I have let many of those things go as I've gotten older...but that one is still with me and still holds a lot of power over me.  So this week has been about me getting that out of my system.  I have ranted and shared all of my deep dark childhood lice secrets with Billy and that actually did make me feel better.  Just having someone acknowledge how I feel with complete empathy has been really great.  Thankfully, the kids are so young that I don't think they know about the lice.  I've just been turning it all into a big game..."Come on girls, let's go put some magic shampoo in your hair!  Now it's time to use the special magic comb!  Now I'm going to hold a flashlight over your hair and you have to be like a statue!"  I'm really glad my kids are easily convinced that I have all these magical things.

Billy's mom is coming to stay with us this weekend, so hopefully Billy and I will be able to get a lot of packing/cleaning/purging done.  Our yard sale is next Saturday and I can't wait.  I know it will feel so nice to have gotten rid of some unnecessary things, and then we can just focus on getting ready to move.  I'm already looking forward to living in the new house...central air and heat, a garage, a big kitchen, and yes, friends...a DISHWASHER.

Now, some pictures to remind me of the good things!

Piper being such a girl

Ellie is ready for winter

Grace can no longer be contained to one room...she is on the move!

Grace trying to crawl into a box...

Ellie started dance class this past week and loves it!

This baby is so happy!

The girls undergoing a "magic beauty treatment"...aka lice treatment.  And Piper was showing off her tushy so that would be why there's a random boom box on her bum... :)

I am so thankful that even in a bad week, there's much to laugh about!

Being Transparent

I recently read this blog post by Modern Mrs. Darcy about what neon lycra and chapped nipples taught her about denying it gets hard sometimes and immediately resonated with her conclusions.  It's something that's been on my mind on and off for the last year or so.  When we're struggling or hurting or facing hard things in life, why is it our tendency to (usually) try to hide it?

I do it.  Two years ago I went through a really difficult trial in my life, and I only shared my struggle with two people (one of whom was Billy).  The rest of the time I pretended that my pain wasn't there and everything was just great.  Now that it's behind me, it's a lot easier to share with others about that time and point to God's faithfulness and healing.  But going through it....I felt like I couldn't tell anyone.  I was embarrassed, ashamed, and bitter about something I had no control over.  I remember being in a new church and a new life group, and when prayer request time came I felt the nudge to share just a small part of my burden and ask for prayer, but I didn't.  It was too personal and I feared being that person with "all the problems."  So I kept it to myself and prayed on my own.  God still brought me through it, but would the burden have been a little easier to bear if I had confided in a few more people?

I'm definitely not saying that we should just share everything with everyone all the time.  There's a time and a place (and the right group of people) to share your vulnerabilities.  I just wonder how any of us can have real relationships, or effective ministry, or whatever it is that we're doing if we can't share our burdens, hardships, frustrations, or struggles with the people around us.  Facebook can be a great thing, but it's so easy to post the cute pictures and not the ugly ones.  It takes nothing for me to share a funny story or post photos of my kids playing in perfect harmony, but rarely do I post proof of the hair pulling, screaming, hitting, temper tantrums, time outs, or me yelling at them.  It's easy to paint this lovely picture of life, that everything is beautiful, easy, exceptional, and perfect.  But we all know that life isn't that way.  Life is hard.  Babies don't sleep through the night when everyone says they should.  Siblings slap each other in the face over Legos (that was ALL DAY yesterday).  Money gets tight, or it's just gone.  Our health fails, or our bodies just don't do what we want them to do.  We hate our jobs...or we don't even know what to do with our lives.  Marriages struggle.  We lose direction, momentum, or vision for our lives.  All of us experience these things...no one is immune to them.

Just as a small example: I'm having a trying week.  I have thrush, which makes feeding Grace extremely difficult.  I've done everything I can do at home with no improvement, and I think I waited too long to call the doctor.  So now it's horribly painful.  Just imagine tiny razorblades slicing into your skin, and that's what this pain feels like when I'm trying to feed Grace.  Thankfully I'm now on some medication which will hopefully take care of it, but I've still got several more days before I'm supposed to notice much of an improvement.  I want to cry when I think about nursing her 5 times per day for several more days before I can expect this pain to go away.  I have seriously considered not breastfeeding anymore because the pain is that bad.  And because I'm hurting, Grace doesn't get enough when she tries to eat, so she's waking up in the middle of the night at 7 months old.  So then I'm supplementing with formula and sabotaging my own milk supply anyway.  Meanwhile, I'm sleep deprived and I have the worst nausea I've had in a long time, which is a side effect of the medication.  Ellie and Piper have been at each other's throats the past two days with plenty of screaming and drama and I've hit my limits on just about every front.  It just feels like a no-win situation right now.  In the grand scheme of things, it will be okay.  I will get better and Grace will eat something, whether that's through nursing or formula.  But right now, it feels impossible and I just need someone to say, "It will be okay!" {And as I was typing this, my Granny called to check in and she listened to all my woes...thank you, Granny!}

I have been guilty of believing that I should have it all together.  It's probably safe to say that most of us have struggled with that lie at one time or another.  What I'm trying to say now is that I want to remember how important it is to be transparent.  How much it means to me when I share a struggle with friends, and they reply by saying, "I totally know how you feel" or "I would have a hard time with that, too."  How refreshing it is to hear from other people who have been through hard things and realize that I'm not alone.  And having the opportunity to acknowledge each other's journeys, whether things are good or bad...I think that is the key to living in community.  So thank you to those people who have walked alongside me through easy and hard times, who have encouraged me through all sorts of frustrations.  I hope I can do the same for you!

My Babies

We have had beautiful, unseasonably cool weather for August lately.  I am so in love with it.  I am a cooler weather kinda gal, so 75-80 degree summer days are amazing.  Of course, I'm still longing for those 50-60 degree fall days...but they will come.  For now, I am praising God for a mild summer.

The past two days I have taken the girls on a morning walk so I can get some exercise.  I have been struggling with hormonal problems lately and basically two weeks out of every month I'm moody, irritable, suffering from low milk supply (which means Grace is cranky and frustrated at every feeding), and just generally a grouchy person.  So I might have 2.5 weeks where I feel "normal," and then 2 weeks where I don't at all.  I really HATE being that way.  I know it affects my relationships with Billy and the girls.  I finally put it all together this week when I realized what was happening and I've been thinking on how I can change this.  So for now, I'm just trying to get outside a little.  I figured some light exercise, getting out of the house, sunshine, and fresh air would do me good.  And I have to say that I have felt so much better the last two days.  I truly hope this will be a long term solution to my problem. 

Bridgewater is a wonderful place to walk.  We happen to live in an area where several neighborhoods are interconnected (and it's all flat!), so it's easy to take as short or as long of a walk as I desire.  I just load Ellie and Piper into the double stroller, Grace in the Ergo, grab some water and we're off.  I am lucky that the girls are great travelers and don't mind being "confined" in the stroller as long as we have things to look at.  I try to make it as enjoyable for them as I can, so we typically have a lot of discussion on our walks about whatever we see.  Piper is content to sit quietly for the entire ride and observe (yesterday she said maybe two words, today nothing!) and Ellie talks non-stop.  So we notice whatever animals are scurrying around, we talk about street signs and cars, identify whatever flowers we can in people's gardens, etc.  

Today we stopped at one of the neighborhood playgrounds so the kids could burn some energy and while I was watching them play, I started reflecting on how very different each of my children are.  I think it's easy for me to tend to lump them all together as "the girls," but they are each so different.  They have many similarities, too, but I think that has more to do with their mannerisms and interests and not so much their personalities.  I thought it might be fun to share a little about each of my precious individuals:

"I'm the king of the castle!"

Ellie is my go-getter.  When I look at her, I see so clearly how God formed her to be everything I ever thought she would be from the time I met her (and even when I prayed for her while I was pregnant).  She has some of our best qualities.  She is confident, independent, assertive, and goofy like Billy, but also polite, a quick learner, laughs easily, and eager to please like me (which can also be a terrible fault, but I think she has the right personality balance to not be a door mat).  She talks almost non-stop from morning to night.  She can be totally alone and will still talk to herself.  She is full of questions and observations and can't keep anything to herself.  She is clearly an extrovert.  She is energized by large groups of people and loves to socialize.  She makes friends easily and trusts people implicitly.  She is opinionated, energetic, and strong.

Piper in her own world

Piper is full of contradictions and her personality comes in extremes.  She is timid and shy around strangers, but wild and uninhibited at home.  She is reckless but observant, overwhelmingly loud but quiet.  Her voice has two levels: yelling and whispering.  She is very soft spoken when she's having a real conversation, but yells at the top of her lungs (with both joy and anger) when she's playing.  She is our introvert who becomes very overwhelmed with large groups of people.  When she's alone, she will sit in comfortable silence and just zone out.  She rides in the stroller and the car in mostly silence and has no use for unnecessary conversation.  She is generous, affectionate, observant, and comical.

My happy-go-lucky Grace

Grace is my easygoing girl.  She is chatty, snuggly, and motivated.  She adores anyone who pays attention to her and is generous with her smiles.  She's a bit stingy with her giggles so it's a great reward to hear one of those (Ellie elicits the majority of Grace's laughs these days).  She is expressive and I rarely have to guess what she's thinking.  She keeps us informed at every moment what her exact mood is.  She has been my most motivated child so far and has hit many of her milestones significantly earlier than her sisters.  She is content, easy to please, and loves one-on-one attention.

I am in awe of how God has created these three children from the same genes and somehow they are each so different.  It overwhelms me to think that these three are mine.  Almost ten years ago Billy and I were dating "just for fun," and now here we are with a life and a legacy of our own.  I know we have many more years of raising to do, with many wonderful and horrible phases in between, but in this moment of quiet reflection I am full of peace and joy.  Isn't that what nap time is for? ;)

Our Homemade Christmas Gifts

So I was scanning through my posts on blogger and realized that I had started a draft of this post and never finished it...maybe because I had a baby in January?  Who knows...but I thought I should go ahead and finish it anyway!

This past year, I tried to do a few more homemade/creative Christmas gifts compared to years past.  I had a few reasons for doing this.  First, it saved us some money...I have a lot of crafting tools and supplies (sewing machine, fabric, scrap lumber, a laminator, etc.) and wanted to put some of those things to good use instead of spending a lot of money.  We also made a commitment as a family to not spend as much money on Christmas last year, so that meant we had to get creative!  Second, I think homemade gifts are fun because it shows that the giver put some time and energy into making something specifically for the receiver.  It makes me feel special to receive something homemade and unique, so I wanted to do that for someone else.  Third, we were trying to simplify Christmas for our family and make it more about focusing on Jesus, spending time with family, and creating memories, and I thought crafting would help me accomplish those goals better than spending time shopping.  Obviously we still purchased gifts for some people, but it was a fun learning experience for me to do Christmas this way.  Plus, with only two children I had SO much time on my hands....hahahahaha.

Anyway, I just wanted to share some of the homemade gifts we created...maybe it will give you a new idea for this year!

I really wanted Ellie to have an opportunity to give a gift last year.  Being three years old, I figured she could do something simple which would also help her realize that Christmas isn't about her getting things from other people, but also giving to them!  I had a lot of white cardstock paper scraps (from another project below) that were the perfect size for a bookmark, so I had her (and Piper, too) sit at the table with some crayons and decorate the bookmarks.  Ellie took this project so seriously and (as you can see) got pretty intense about coloring every square inch of the paper.  When she was done, I wrote her name and the date on the back, laminated the bookmarks with my awesome Scotch thermal laminator (thanks, Mom!), punched a hole in the top of each one, and tied some ribbon on it. She was so thrilled to have made gifts to give to other people.  I even had one extra bookmark left and kept it for myself!

I found this free printable for a book of love coupons from Mommy by Day Crafter by Night and thought it was too cute.  It's meant to be a Valentine's Day thing but I made this as a stocking stuffer for Billy.  She has pre-made coupons as well as blank ones.  I printed two sheets of blank coupons, wrote out each coupon for whatever I wanted it to say, laminated them, punched a hole in the corner, and put a book ring clip in it.  So easy and cute!

I try to make apple butter every fall after we pick apples.  The recipe I use is so easy since it just requires the crockpot and a few spices.  When the apple butter is done, I can it and give it away at Christmas.  I definitely like it, and I'm pretty sure my family enjoys it, too!

This was a new type of project for me.  I thought these rustic photo displays from Shanty 2 Chic were really cute and I knew we had some scrap lumber in the garage.  My sweet husband cut, sanded, stained, and drilled holes in the boards for me.  Literally all I did was print the message, glue the hooks in place, and print out some pictures.  So this was mostly Billy's work but I thought they turned out pretty cute!

This was by far the most involved project I took on for Christmas.  I actually started it in the summer of 2012 because I thought it would be really cool to make a quilt for my mom (we are hardcore blanket people), but then I put it away for a while.  When I realized I never finished it, I decided that I had to get it done before Grace was born and it would make a great Christmas gift.  I found this tutorial called 31 Days to a Handmade Quilt by Saving by Making and it immediately went on my "someday I will do this" list.  I would say that for my very first quilt (and definitely the biggest sewing project I've ever done in my short sewing life of 2.5 years) I was really pleased with how it turned out.  There are a few things I would do differently now that I've gone through it, but when I finished I literally teared up a little because I couldn't believe that I actually finished it (and I was hugely pregnant and hormonal....so that may have influenced my tears, too).  

Billy made these wooden monogram ornaments as a surprise for me (again, using scrap lumber from the garage and the stain we bought for the photo block project) and I LOVE them.  I'm not even sure what he did to make this happen but they are perfect.  I have a slight obsession with Christmas ornaments, so these were a perfect gift for me.

It took some time and planning, but I really enjoyed making these gifts.  I get a little anxious about homemade anything (mostly because I'm not super confident in my own skills and crafting does NOT come easily to me) but I think everything turned out okay.  Thanks for reading my severely belated Christmas post! 

Summer 2014: Reading, Gardening, and Being "Busy"

I am seriously lagging on keeping up with blogging, which really bums me out because I do enjoy writing and it's such a simple way for me to process life and keep a record of what we've been up to.  So...two months later, here I am again.

Our summer hasn't been exceptionally busy, except that it always feels like we're busy.  Why is that?  We're not going on vacation or doing anything that's really outside of our normal routine.  Maybe it's just what happens when your children outnumber you.  I don't know, but I feel like we are non-stop all the time.  I do find that my children tend to nap better if we have something to do outside of the home in the morning, so I try to plan outings at least two or three days a week.  We usually go to the library once a week and alternate between the Bridgewater and Harrisonburg libraries so that we're not at the same place every week.  Ellie and Piper really love going to the library (mostly because they have lots of fun toys...I wish they would get a little more excited about picking out books but I guess we'll get there eventually).  They are also enrolled in the summer reading program, so for every two hours of reading time (me reading to them, since they can't read yet) they get a small prize, such as a coupon for free ice cream or donuts.  Sometimes I want to say, "Where's my prize?  I'm the one reading to them..." but oh well.  I guess my reward is knowing that I'm being a good parent/first educator by reading A LOT...but sometimes mommies need donuts and ice cream, too!  My kids get rewarded for me reading to them, but I suppose it does take some effort on their part to listen to me read.  And you better believe that when we go redeem those donut coupons I'm going to buy a donut for myself.

Speaking of reading, Ellie harasses me pretty much any time I ask her to look at a book.
Ellie: (whiny, frustrated voice) "But MOM, how can I read this?!?!?  I can't READ it yet!!!"
Me: (whiny, frustrated voice) "Just look at the pictures, Ellie!  We're having quiet reading time...I know you can't read yet, but you can look at the pictures and be quiet for 5 minutes!"
Ellie: (increasingly frustrated with me) "MOOOOOMMMMMYYYY, I can't read it!!!"
Me: (increasingly frustrated with her...deeeeep breath) "Okay...let's sound out the letters..."
So then "quiet reading time" doesn't really happen the way I want it to, but obviously this child is so ready to begin learning to read.  She's already read her first real word ("club") by sounding out the individual letters and then putting them together (she was looking at the LEGO Club Magazine, which is a free subscription!).  So my goal for the fall is to start teaching this child how to read.  She already has the basic phonics down, so now I just need to focus on the actual reading part.  I really wasn't quite prepared to start teaching Ellie to read at 4 years old, but I always said that I would wait until she was interested and not push it...it's just that in her case she's ready a bit earlier than I anticipated so now I need to step up to meet her enthusiasm for it.  I was already planning on doing some basic preschool-type stuff with her anyway, since she's not enrolled in a Pre-K program for this coming year and I have a mental list of things I'd like for her to be able to do before she goes into Kindergarten.  There's a list of 71 things your child needs to know before Kindergarten written by a former teacher that I appreciate being able to refer to...and I would say most of the things on that list have more to do with your child's disposition, behavior, and curiosity and not so much the specific, academic tasks (although they're on there, too).

Of course, we also try to plan play dates with friends to keep us busy, and we usually go to the children's museum once every week or two for something extra fun (thank you, Granny, for the membership!).  This is probably bad, but I tend to avoid the playground.  It's just really hot, and I'm always wearing Grace in the Ergo carrier, and I sweat SO bad by the end of it.  I'm basically "pregnant on the outside" (Billy's phrasing) when I wear her.  I love the convenience of it, and Grace especially loves it since she's a snuggler, but it gets overwhelmingly hot sometimes.  So yeah, the playground isn't my favorite.

We planted a garden this year...it's really a container garden, since I didn't want to dig up the ground and all that until I knew if this was something I could actually handle or not.  I've always thought of myself as having a brown thumb...everything dies under my watch, because I'm just really bad about watering and weeding and all that.  I'm lazy.  That's really what it is, so let's just go ahead and call it.  Anyway, I got the crazy idea to try, yet again, to keep something alive...so on Mother's Day weekend we went to Lowe's and bought a few already-established plants, put them in some large pots we found in the garage, and....ta-da!  They are GROWING.  We actually grew something and didn't kill it.  I think I'm still in shock over it.  Well, we did kill one plant, but it was NOT my fault.  We had the pot under the gutter on the garage, and apparently all is not the way it should be there, because anytime it rains water just pours down in that one spot.  So that poor little plant bit the dust pretty early because it just got drowned.  It's probably still my fault, as I should have looked at the area before putting the pot there, but oh well.  The strawberry plant also got hit pretty hard by the water, but I've also heard those are finicky plants anyway.  So, long story short, we've got tomatoes, zucchini, green bell peppers, jalapeños, cayenne peppers, and cucumbers growing like crazy and it's been a lot of fun for me.  So now that I know what is pretty easy to care for, I'd like to do it again next year and plant a real garden (you know, in the ground and all that).  The girls have really enjoyed helping water the garden and checking on the vegetables as they grow....although I think I might be burning them out on cucumbers.

What our produce basket looks like on a daily basis

Grace just turned six months old this past week, so she had her big checkup today.  All is well and she's as healthy as she can be, but of course I went into the appointment worried about one thing or another.  She's been quite demanding about eating and still doesn't sleep great every night (although that's getting better) and I was concerned about her weight gain and whether she was getting enough to eat.  She has gained one pound since her four-month appointment, which caused her to drop to the 10th percentile for weight....so of course I was feeling worried.  But our doctor, God bless her, came into the room and immediately said, "Please don't worry about her weight.  This is just genetics."  Grace went up a percentile in length and her head circumference is right on track, which indicates that her nutrition is fine.  When the doctor asked how much she's nursing (6 times per day) and if she's eating solids (4 ounces in purees twice a day, plus food from my plate sometimes PLUS Cheerios or puffs!) she said that she was getting PLENTY to eat and that she's just a hungry girl.  She reassured me that there was no reason to stop nursing, but to just keep offering solids as much as she wants and that she will be just fine.  She also recommended coconut oil for our thrush problem, which I hope will help.  I just appreciate having a doctor who is kind and listens to my concerns without belittling me or getting overzealous about "treating problems."

This is how I got my writing done today...can you see that she is up on her knees?!?! 

On her knees with her belly off the floor...booty in the air is her favorite way to be!

Well, I guess that's us in a nutshell right now.  To close, I'm posting links to some of my favorite books I've read so far this year (I've been reading a lot this summer, which has been SO nice!).

French Kids Eat Everything by Karen Le Billon: I have always desired for our kids to not be super picky eaters, and I would say for the most part they're not, but I'm also curious to see how other people do things.  This book was an interesting perspective on French food culture and, while I don't agree with everything, I thought it had some interesting suggestions and ideas.
The Sexually Confident Wife by Shannon Ethridge:  I hope this isn't too much information, but let me just say that this was a great and helpful book and I would recommend it to any woman who might struggle with sexual confidence within marriage.
Maisie Dobbs by Jacqueline Winspear: I have always enjoyed mysteries, and this is the first in a series of 10 that I just loved.  I am also a huge fan of historical fiction...set in the time between WWI and WWII, this book was right up my alley.  If you like strong female characters and history, this one will be a win.
The Little Bookstore of Big Stone Gap by Wendy Welch: I've recently discovered that I love reading memoirs so this was a good read.  Obviously I love books (and what book lover hasn't dreamed of opening a book store?) so this one really resonated with me.
Dad is Fat by Jim Gaffigan: We think Jim Gaffigan is hilarious, so of course I had to read his book.  Some parts were familiar if you've listened to any of his skits, but I still really enjoyed this one and laughed out loud quite a bit.  Despite the antics of his kids, he loves being a dad and that's always encouraging for those of us in the trenches of parenthood.
The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot: This is the true story of the acquisition and use of HeLa cells, which have been used in all forms of scientific experimentation, and the backstory on Henrietta Lacks' family and how this has impacted them.  This was a sobering story that really made me think about how the pursuit of knowledge can impact everyday people and what those long-term effects on a person's family look like.
The Secret Keeper by Kate Morton: Another historical fiction novel that I really enjoyed.  A bit mysterious and creepy; definitely a favorite.
Elephant Trunk Steaks and Other Adventure Stories by Dr. Larry Fogle and Sallie Fogle: This was a fun and eye-opening book for me.  I love reading about missionaries and their stories of how God provides in dire circumstances, but it's also fun to read about their adventures and just the culture shock that might be experienced.  This book was written by Billy's uncle and aunt, so it was especially interesting for me to get to know their history a little better and I was really blessed by their story.  They've also written Termite Meatloaf and Other Adventure Stories, and I think they'll be coming out with a third book sometime in the future.  Can't wait!
The Language of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh: This is a coming-of-age story that incorporates the Victorian-era idea that flowers have very particular, emotional meanings.  Heartbreaking, but I love the overarching themes of restoration and reconciliation.  A worthwhile read.

Struggles

Life has been interesting lately.  Maybe a bit more challenging, although I'm thankful it's coming now rather than when Grace was born, so we've had 4 months to get used to this family of 5 lifestyle.  All three of our children are going through very different things all at the same time, so Billy and I are trying to work with each of them individually on very different things...anyway, it's complicated.

Grace is waking up at 4 or 5 in the morning pretty much every day, and we think it's her natural sleep cycle ending which is causing her to wake up.  Ellie did the same thing, but she would usually just jabber for a little while and then go back to sleep.  Grace, being a pacifier sleeper, just cries until we give her the pacifier, then she goes back to sleep.  Thankfully she's not awake for a long time and it's a quick fix, but this happens at least once an hour from 4-7 am (and sometimes every 30 minutes).  So I'm running downstairs multiple times in the wee hours of the morning and it's getting exhausting.  She did do better last night and slept from 11 pm-6 am, and then I gave her the pacifier and she slept until 7 which is when I normally feed her anyway.  I'm so thankful for that, because we had a crazy day yesterday and I desperately needed the sleep.  Grace is also not nursing very well (in my opinion, although the doctor said she's fine) so that's stressing me out a little.  Maybe she's a super fast eater (Piper was, but she was also a pretty chubby baby so I didn't worry too much about it)...5 minutes just doesn't seem long enough to me.  We are slowly trying out solids to see if maybe she's just ready for more food.

Piper had a BAD day yesterday.  She threw a temper tantrum at dinner last night which isn't unusual for her, so we put her in time out in her bed like normal.  Well, she totally lost it.  Screaming at the top of her lungs, banging on the crib, typical crazy toddler stuff.  Then she climbed out of her crib.  Like it was no big deal.  We put her back in, and she immediately did it again.  And did it a third time.  So now we're looking at converting her crib to a toddler bed.  I'm so not looking forward to this, since she's not the best with boundaries, but we're afraid of her getting hurt so we'll just have to go for it.  If you remember, Ellie didn't move out of her crib until she was almost 3 and a half.  So putting a two year old in the toddler bed is just scary to me.  She's also ripping her diaper off every now and then, which then results in a very wet bed in the morning.  I really want to potty train her but I just don't think she's ready yet, and I don't want to repeat the mistakes I made with Ellie.

Ellie is giving the terrible threes one last hurrah before she turns four in August.  She's dramatic and everything is a crisis in her world (not abnormal for little ones anyway, just super annoying sometimes).  She's had some attitude problems, which include disobedience and disrespect toward certain adults (mainly me) and she's thrown a handful of pretty horrible tantrums.  She had her very worst tantrum in Target last week....it was so bad that I left my cart full of stuff in the middle of the store.  I've never done that in my whole life, but I had no choice that day.  Or rather, I did have a choice, and I chose to follow through with the consequences for her instead of giving in to make her be quiet.  It was bad....so bad.  I shudder when I think about it.

So, honestly, this isn't a very uplifting post.  I feel like I'm screwing up my kids left and right.  Like I'm a crappy mom and I don't know what I'm doing.  There are days when I feel like our children hate me and how in the world will they ever know I love them when I spend so much time correcting and disciplining?  They are beautiful and precious and SO loved, but they are driving me crazy.

On top of our kid drama, our kitchen faucet broke last night.  I had been washing dishes, and when I turned the faucet off I heard a pop and then water started gushing out under the sink at full blast.  It very quickly flooded the cabinets, so I'm yelling for Billy (who was watching the kids at the time) and trying to pull everything out of the cabinets before it got completely soaked (which happened within seconds anyway).  We both searched for the shut off valve under the sink and couldn't find it, so Billy runs down to the basement while I just watch water pouring onto the floor.  The shut off valve for our sink was in the basement next to the water heater....so to turn the water off to the sink turns the water off to the whole house.  So we had no water until about 11:00 this morning.  Thankfully dinner was basically done by the time that all happened last night and we had plenty of stuff to drink in the refrigerator.  But man it created a huge mess in the basement.  Our whole laundry room below was flooded and Billy had to use the shop vac to get rid of most of the water, then mopped and mopped and mopped.  It still took overnight with fans blowing to dry everything out because of the humidity.  Our landlord replaced the faucet this morning and it's actually much nicer than the one we had, so that's a perk.  After having a cup of coffee and a shower I started feeling much better.  Clean running water is such a gift.

I don't know, y'all.  Life is just kinda trying right now.  God is stretching us in many ways, not even considering the struggles we're facing with our children.  Every time we get our finances under control something else hits us.  Every time we all get well, something happens like allergies,  vomiting, baby doesn't poop for 12 days, or cutting a chunk out of my hand with a broken glass (all have happened within the last week).  I'm just tired and discouraged.  I'm blessed and so thankful for this life, but it's just hard today.  Forgive me for being such a downer?  I just needed a place to get it all out.  This is proof that I don't have it together (I don't think anyone thinks that anyway, but it needed to be said haha).

Piper is Two!

My sweet Piper is now two years old!  This girl is so precious and crazy, I definitely want to remember these things about her when she's older.  Here is an update on Piper:

• Stats: Just shy of 29 pounds, and 35 and 1/4 inches tall.  75th percentile all around. 
• Nicknames: Pipes, Pipey, Schmunchkin, Butternut Squash
• Favorite foods: EVERYTHING.  Seriously, there's not much this girl doesn't like, except for maybe eggs.  She is especially enthusiastic about pasta, bananas, chocolate milk, and peanut butter/nutella sandwiches.  Yep, we're pretty healthy around here ;)
• Favorite movies/shows: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, and Princess Sophia
• Favorite things to do: Piper loves to play with whatever Ellie has...which is why my kids fight as much as they do haha.  Right now, Piper really enjoys scribbling on the magna doodle, playing dress up, building with blocks, taking care of her baby dolls, visiting the library, and going down the slide on the playground.
• Favorite games: Chasing Ellie, playing in her pop-up tent, dancing to music, and singing songs ("Jesus Loves Me," "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," etc.)
• Favorite books: Anything by Sandra Boynton (but especially Doggies), Pete the Cat and His Four Groovy Buttons by Eric Litwin
• Things she's good at: She's very verbal and picks up new words and phrases easily.  She is very sweet toward Grace and says "hi, Gracie!" all the time.  She's also hilarious and makes all of us laugh, and definitely knows how to be so cute that no one can stay mad at her.  She is also REALLY good at screaming....
• Things she's not so good at: Hmm.  Screaming is not my favorite.  Sharing is a big challenge right now, and she also gets scared very easily.  She can be pretty headstrong when she wants to be, but maybe that will be a good thing someday?! :)
• Funny things she says/does: She calls her favorite blanket "Fuzzy" and likes to pick fuzz off of it with one hand while sucking her thumb on the other hand; says "goodness gracious" quite often; names all of the princesses in her own way, such as Tee-nana, Sweeping Booty, Punzel, and Cin-wewa; begs to be tickled by her Daddy before bed and then screams at the top of her lungs when he does it; likes to pray before bed, which almost always goes like this: "Dear God, thank you for Daddy, Mommy, Daddy, Mommy, Mommy, Daddy, Ellie, Gracie, Mommy, Daddy, bleekie-boopie-blaggie-goobie-blah (unintelligible), in Jesus' name, Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaamen!"

This girl is so sweet.  I can't believe it's already been two years since she was born.  She is the most ridiculous, adorable, strong-headed little girl I know.  She knows what she wants and isn't afraid to make that known.  She can be very cuddly and quiet, and the next minute she's screaming at the top of her lungs (and that could mean she's extremely happy or extremely angry!).  She has the most beautiful big brown eyes and the cutest little potbelly (which she loves to show off by lifting her shirt and rubbing or patting her belly).  Her hair is wild and if it's not pulled back she looks a little like Bozo the Clown with it puffing out at the sides.  She talks so well and one of her favorite phrases right now is, "I want to do it by myself!"  She loves her sisters and I can already tell that all three of them will be so close.  She can hold her own with Ellie and while it frustrates me to tears, it also makes me a little proud at how tough she is.  I am so blessed to be this little girl's mama and she has taught me so much...she is my strong, funny, wild child and I wouldn't change that for anything.  We love you, sweet Pipey-girl!