Lately I've been struggling with a sense of inadequacy when it comes to what I'm doing with my life. I'm a stay-at-home-mom, which I wouldn't give up for anything, but I've just started to feel kinda down on myself about it. Sometimes I feel like anyone could do this job....that I'm easily replaceable. Anyone could feed and clothe my kids, wipe their noses, change their diapers, etc. Being a mom really is a thankless job.
When my days are exactly the same, and blur together so that I really don't remember what I've actually accomplished in the past month, I start to feel like I'm not accomplishing anything in this season of my life. Sure, I've expanded my recipe repertoire, done a few DIY experiments, become a bit more frugal...but are those things really worth anything?
I know what my problem is...I measure my self-worth by the things that I accomplish. Like getting a degree. Or having a job. It's not that I even want those things, but in my mind I think, "Oh, I'm working on becoming a teacher, so that makes me worth something to the rest of the world." As a mom, I'm not really worth anything to anyone except Ellie and Piper, and they're not old enough to even say, "I love you," so some days I just feel like what I'm currently doing isn't important.
In the grand scheme of things, I do know that my job as their mother is important. I have taken care of these girls from birth; feeding, clothing, changing, snuggling, loving, and comforting them from the moment I met them. I have gotten up with both of them in the middle of the night countless times, whether it be to feed them, give them comfort, or clean up their middle-of-the-night messes. I have watched my little Ellie grow from a 4 pound preemie into a walking, talking, interactive, and curious little girl. Who taught her her first word? I did. Who taught her sign language? I did. Who taught her to clean up her messes, put away her clothes, and eat with a fork and spoon? I did. Could someone else have taught her those things? Yes. But they didn't...I did.
I like staying home with my children. I don't have the desire to join the workforce at this point in my life. When my children are older, yes, I will get a job and probably enjoy that as a new challenge. But for right now, I want to stay home with the girls. I just have these moments of self-doubt where I believe that I'm not doing anything significant by staying home with my children. Some days I wish someone would just tell me, "You're doing a great job with those girls. Keep it up!"
I know that this is my calling for this season of my life. God has purposely burdened my heart to stay home with my children, and He's made it financially possible for us to do that when both Billy and I thought that would never happen. Are there times where we question what God has called us to do, and wondered if we're qualified or capable? Absolutely. The point is that I'm not qualified or capable to raise these girls, but that I'm willing to lean on God through it all. I have to believe that one day I will see the fruits of my labor, even though it may be a very, very long time before that happens. I have to trust that there is a purpose to me staying home and raising my children, no matter how dull, repetitive, overwhelming, or thankless it becomes. I have to persevere on the days where I feel like giving up, when nothing goes right and all I've accomplished is getting out of bed. This is a season...and I can't let my personal insecurities, jealousy, or fears dictate what I do.
If anyone ever says that being a stay-at-home mom is an easy job, I will seriously poke them in the eye. =)
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Weight Watchers...Again!
I joined Weight Watchers a little over a week ago. This is my second time being on the program; I went on it for the first time about a year ago when I was finally ready to buckle down and lose the rest of my baby weight from my pregnancy with Ellie. My goal (last time) was to lose 10 pounds (which would put me at my pre-pregnancy weight). I stayed on the program for 3 months and ended up losing 21 pounds, bringing me back down to what I weighed when Billy and I got married (which was my goal when I realized that the program actually works!). And just a couple of weeks after I met my final goal weight, I found out I was pregnant again =). So I took a hiatus from Weight Watchers while I was pregnant with Piper, and now I'm back on it!
I'm pretty excited. Today was my first weigh-in since starting again, and I've lost 3 pounds. It doesn't sound like a lot, but I can really feel a difference already. I have more energy during the day, and I'm learning to have more self control again. Being pregnant really messes with my ability to make wise food choices...even though I didn't gain as much weight with Piper as I did with Ellie, I still ate *a lot* and probably over-did it with chocolate...and banana bread...and cookies...and chocolate. =)
Anyway, I'm so excited because Billy is doing it with me this time! He's been wanting to lose weight for a while now, and they're doing a "biggest loser" contest at work this summer, so he's pretty motivated to go for it haha. It really helps hold me accountable when we're tracking our points together. Also, I'm buying the healthy stuff for both of us instead of just me, so there's less temptation to eat the usual snacky stuff that I would get for Billy. I was curious to see how going on Weight Watchers would affect our grocery budget, since we would be buying a lot more produce than usual. Billy looked at my list for this week and said, "There's no way we're going to stay under $50!" But I worked my magic (haha) and spent $48, and bought a ton of fruit, veggies, some low-point healthy snacks, and all of the ingredients needed for meals. It also helps that I'm trying to cook from the pantry, meaning that I'm really trying to make meals based on what we already have here at home instead of buying more stuff from the store. Fortunately I've stockpiled quite a bit and already had some meat in the freezer to use for meals this week. Yes, we are having pancakes for dinner one night this week, but hey, I'm saving money, using ingredients we already have, and who doesn't like breakfast for dinner?!
I definitely have WAY more points in my daily allotment this time around since I'm nursing. Last time, I had 29 points to use each day, and this time they're giving me 40. Which may mean that my weight loss will be a little slower this time, but as long as I'm losing I'm happy! I remember last time I lost 10 pounds in the first two weeks on the program because it was such a shock to my system...I was eating really, really bad before I started haha. Then it slowed down to 1-2 pounds per week, which is my goal this time. I'm setting short-term goals along the way...right now, my goal is to lose 5% of my body weight. My starting weight is 158, and so my first goal is to get to 150. My long-term goal is to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 138...so I need to lose 20 pounds total. Three down, only 17 more to go!
I find that I'm slightly embarrassed to post my actual weight on here, but I know that it holds me accountable when other people know where I am with my weight. Even if they don't care, just knowing that someone else knows about my weight makes me more motivated to work hard. Which reminds me....I really need to get on the ball about working out. I feel like I'm pretty good at watching what I eat and tracking my points, but I have very little motivation to actually exercise. Last time I did Weight Watchers, I ended up walking a lot since I'm not real big on cardio exercise. I really hate getting all sweaty and out of breath lol. Anyway, I walked a lot with my friend Laura at the park, and we put our babies in strollers and it worked great. Now that I have two kiddos, I feel a bit more intimidated about it. I have a double stroller, but my excuse in my head is that Piper cries a lot when she's tired and doesn't seem to fall asleep easily when we're out...but honestly, it's not an excuse. If it came down to it, I could put her in the sling and wear her against me when walking, because she does sleep when in the sling. In a perfect world, I would have a gym membership and go to some kind of exercise class 3 days a week...that would be my ideal workout scenario. I'm such a student at heart...if I'm in a class working out, I work SO much harder because I want to be the best, and I don't care about being sweaty or out of breath because I'm so extrinsically motivated to do better than everyone else. When I spell it out like that it sounds terrible and self-centered, but I'm just a perfectionist at heart haha. Great example: last summer while I was on Weight Watchers, I tried out a Bikram yoga class. You know, the "hot" yoga...where you sit in a room at 105 degrees and 40% humidity and do all these crazy contortionist poses. One of the most challenging things I've ever done physically...but I enjoyed it because I was with a bunch of other people. They even told me the first time I went there to not bother trying to do the poses, but to just breathe and stay in the room (since the heat is really overwhelming and your natural instinct is to run out of that room haha). I attempted every pose, even at my first class, because I'm motivated by being around other people.
Anyway, so I need to figure out a workout routine that would work for me. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love the hear them! Also, my other goal right now is to increase how much water I'm drinking. I'm really bad about drinking enough fluids anyway, and on top of that I'm nursing so I *really* need to guzzle water as much as possible. My goal right now is to drink three full Camelbak bottles each day, which is about 75 ounces of water. Gotta stay motivated! =)
I'm pretty excited. Today was my first weigh-in since starting again, and I've lost 3 pounds. It doesn't sound like a lot, but I can really feel a difference already. I have more energy during the day, and I'm learning to have more self control again. Being pregnant really messes with my ability to make wise food choices...even though I didn't gain as much weight with Piper as I did with Ellie, I still ate *a lot* and probably over-did it with chocolate...and banana bread...and cookies...and chocolate. =)
Anyway, I'm so excited because Billy is doing it with me this time! He's been wanting to lose weight for a while now, and they're doing a "biggest loser" contest at work this summer, so he's pretty motivated to go for it haha. It really helps hold me accountable when we're tracking our points together. Also, I'm buying the healthy stuff for both of us instead of just me, so there's less temptation to eat the usual snacky stuff that I would get for Billy. I was curious to see how going on Weight Watchers would affect our grocery budget, since we would be buying a lot more produce than usual. Billy looked at my list for this week and said, "There's no way we're going to stay under $50!" But I worked my magic (haha) and spent $48, and bought a ton of fruit, veggies, some low-point healthy snacks, and all of the ingredients needed for meals. It also helps that I'm trying to cook from the pantry, meaning that I'm really trying to make meals based on what we already have here at home instead of buying more stuff from the store. Fortunately I've stockpiled quite a bit and already had some meat in the freezer to use for meals this week. Yes, we are having pancakes for dinner one night this week, but hey, I'm saving money, using ingredients we already have, and who doesn't like breakfast for dinner?!
I definitely have WAY more points in my daily allotment this time around since I'm nursing. Last time, I had 29 points to use each day, and this time they're giving me 40. Which may mean that my weight loss will be a little slower this time, but as long as I'm losing I'm happy! I remember last time I lost 10 pounds in the first two weeks on the program because it was such a shock to my system...I was eating really, really bad before I started haha. Then it slowed down to 1-2 pounds per week, which is my goal this time. I'm setting short-term goals along the way...right now, my goal is to lose 5% of my body weight. My starting weight is 158, and so my first goal is to get to 150. My long-term goal is to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 138...so I need to lose 20 pounds total. Three down, only 17 more to go!
I find that I'm slightly embarrassed to post my actual weight on here, but I know that it holds me accountable when other people know where I am with my weight. Even if they don't care, just knowing that someone else knows about my weight makes me more motivated to work hard. Which reminds me....I really need to get on the ball about working out. I feel like I'm pretty good at watching what I eat and tracking my points, but I have very little motivation to actually exercise. Last time I did Weight Watchers, I ended up walking a lot since I'm not real big on cardio exercise. I really hate getting all sweaty and out of breath lol. Anyway, I walked a lot with my friend Laura at the park, and we put our babies in strollers and it worked great. Now that I have two kiddos, I feel a bit more intimidated about it. I have a double stroller, but my excuse in my head is that Piper cries a lot when she's tired and doesn't seem to fall asleep easily when we're out...but honestly, it's not an excuse. If it came down to it, I could put her in the sling and wear her against me when walking, because she does sleep when in the sling. In a perfect world, I would have a gym membership and go to some kind of exercise class 3 days a week...that would be my ideal workout scenario. I'm such a student at heart...if I'm in a class working out, I work SO much harder because I want to be the best, and I don't care about being sweaty or out of breath because I'm so extrinsically motivated to do better than everyone else. When I spell it out like that it sounds terrible and self-centered, but I'm just a perfectionist at heart haha. Great example: last summer while I was on Weight Watchers, I tried out a Bikram yoga class. You know, the "hot" yoga...where you sit in a room at 105 degrees and 40% humidity and do all these crazy contortionist poses. One of the most challenging things I've ever done physically...but I enjoyed it because I was with a bunch of other people. They even told me the first time I went there to not bother trying to do the poses, but to just breathe and stay in the room (since the heat is really overwhelming and your natural instinct is to run out of that room haha). I attempted every pose, even at my first class, because I'm motivated by being around other people.
Anyway, so I need to figure out a workout routine that would work for me. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love the hear them! Also, my other goal right now is to increase how much water I'm drinking. I'm really bad about drinking enough fluids anyway, and on top of that I'm nursing so I *really* need to guzzle water as much as possible. My goal right now is to drink three full Camelbak bottles each day, which is about 75 ounces of water. Gotta stay motivated! =)
Friday, June 1, 2012
Exhaustion
Today was seriously one of those days. You know, the ones where you feel like so many things go wrong and you just can't catch a break. I've definitely experienced that today.
Last night was just plain terrible. Piper didn't sleep well at all...I felt like she cried all night, but realistically it was probably less than that. I had to feed her three times in the middle of the night, which was really hard to do after she'd been sleeping through the night earlier this week. It just kinda came out of nowhere...not sure if it's a growth spurt, or something I ate, or she's not getting enough calories throughout the day...who knows. Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep last night.
Today we went to Chick-fil-A, which was great. It was so nice to get out of the house and hang out with a friend. Everything was fine until it was time to leave, and then Ellie just threw a huge temper tantrum because she didn't want to leave the indoor playground. Totally understandable considering she's not even two years old and doesn't really comprehend that I needed to leave and get home to feed Piper, but it was still embarrassing. Picture her screaming in the most shrill voice possible. I comforted myself by saying that I'm not the only mom who has gone through this in the middle of a restaurant. Haha.
So we get home and it's nap time. I put both girls down for naps, and Piper just isn't having it. She cries on and off for her entire nap. She would get quiet for 20 minutes or so, then cry, then get quiet. Back and forth like that the whole time. And Ellie was quiet for maybe 45 minutes, and then she was awake and ready to get up. And she's been taking 3 hours naps pretty much every day this week, so I know she really needs more sleep. I was hoping to take a nap while the girls slept, but it just didn't work out.
I guess I'm just really worn out. I love being a mom to my two girls, but there are days when I feel like I just have nothing left to give. I take care of Ellie and Piper all day and night, and sometimes I don't feel like I'm Kristen anymore. Which is fine to a certain extent, because part of who I am is "Mom" now, but I also need to just be me sometimes. Most days, I'm able to do this. During nap time I'll read a book and relax....no cleaning, cooking, or taking care of kids. But on days when nap time doesn't work out the way I would like, I don't really get that relaxation time, and by the end of the day my nerves are completely frazzled and I feel like I'm on the verge of crying or screaming or ripping my hair out. I know I'm not the only person who feels like this...I think most moms go through all these different emotions at one point or another.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm just flat out exhausted. I don't want to wish Piper's baby days away, because she really will be grown up in the blink of an eye. But I am desperate for some kind of predictability...especially at night. I don't know how long I can do the "up all night" thing.
I love my girls and I love being a stay at home mom...but there are days when it takes everything within me just to put one foot in front of the other.
Last night was just plain terrible. Piper didn't sleep well at all...I felt like she cried all night, but realistically it was probably less than that. I had to feed her three times in the middle of the night, which was really hard to do after she'd been sleeping through the night earlier this week. It just kinda came out of nowhere...not sure if it's a growth spurt, or something I ate, or she's not getting enough calories throughout the day...who knows. Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep last night.
Today we went to Chick-fil-A, which was great. It was so nice to get out of the house and hang out with a friend. Everything was fine until it was time to leave, and then Ellie just threw a huge temper tantrum because she didn't want to leave the indoor playground. Totally understandable considering she's not even two years old and doesn't really comprehend that I needed to leave and get home to feed Piper, but it was still embarrassing. Picture her screaming in the most shrill voice possible. I comforted myself by saying that I'm not the only mom who has gone through this in the middle of a restaurant. Haha.
So we get home and it's nap time. I put both girls down for naps, and Piper just isn't having it. She cries on and off for her entire nap. She would get quiet for 20 minutes or so, then cry, then get quiet. Back and forth like that the whole time. And Ellie was quiet for maybe 45 minutes, and then she was awake and ready to get up. And she's been taking 3 hours naps pretty much every day this week, so I know she really needs more sleep. I was hoping to take a nap while the girls slept, but it just didn't work out.
I guess I'm just really worn out. I love being a mom to my two girls, but there are days when I feel like I just have nothing left to give. I take care of Ellie and Piper all day and night, and sometimes I don't feel like I'm Kristen anymore. Which is fine to a certain extent, because part of who I am is "Mom" now, but I also need to just be me sometimes. Most days, I'm able to do this. During nap time I'll read a book and relax....no cleaning, cooking, or taking care of kids. But on days when nap time doesn't work out the way I would like, I don't really get that relaxation time, and by the end of the day my nerves are completely frazzled and I feel like I'm on the verge of crying or screaming or ripping my hair out. I know I'm not the only person who feels like this...I think most moms go through all these different emotions at one point or another.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm just flat out exhausted. I don't want to wish Piper's baby days away, because she really will be grown up in the blink of an eye. But I am desperate for some kind of predictability...especially at night. I don't know how long I can do the "up all night" thing.
I love my girls and I love being a stay at home mom...but there are days when it takes everything within me just to put one foot in front of the other.
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