It's April. Spring is in full force here with trees budding, flowers blooming, and sun shining. I am so thankful for this season because it reminds me of new life and what a gift that is. God takes us through every season for a purpose, and I have realized that my life will always follow that pattern. There will be times of joy and ease, followed by times of confusion or heartache, and sometimes there are even periods when I will struggle to see the light and will have to find my footing all over again. There will never come a day that I have it all figured out.
Last time, I shared how the days seemed impossible. Honestly, I went through a season of depression and really struggled to find solid ground again. My relationship with God was strained, I felt distant from my family, I had deep sadness over situations outside my control, and truly felt like I was drowning under the weight of it all. I am thankful that my emotional winter has passed and that things are getting better now, but those feelings still come up. And I think I've finally accepted that there will always be struggle in this life. I won't ever reach that point where everything is neat and tidy and perfect...because perfect isn't real. If I want to live with real people and love them and follow Jesus, then no, my life won't look real pretty sometimes. Of course, there are beautiful days when everyone is relatively happy and we do something fun, but there are also days when everyone is screaming and I'm angry and I wonder why have I chosen to live this way?
I have been tempted my entire life to wish for the next thing. When I struggled through the awkward teenage years, I thought college would make everything better. When I got to college, all I could think about was how ready I was to get married and start my real life. When I got married and it was hard and messy (and sometimes ugly) I thought having kids would somehow make life fun again (yeah, I know...). And then when babies came and I was obviously going to be the best mother in the universe...I got a pretty rude awakening. I was actually not a natural at being a mother. The first two months of Ellie's life were spent with me just praying that she would sleep constantly and eating a lot of crackers while watching TV. Not a glorious beginning to what I thought was my life's calling.
But the good news? God gave me a way. Yeah, I kinda stunk at being a stay at home parent. And I was really selfish with my time. But very slowly, through bits and pieces, God provided. He brought me to a blog, of all things. A chance to write and think and reflect a little, and to feel accountable in some way to the job He had given me. Most of my posts were boring and superficial, but it was something. Through that, I became more interested in reading other blogs, which inspired me to learn how to cook after three years of tacos and pasta. I slowly started to find my footing in my new life.
There are a thousand other baby steps in my story of how God took me from a place of confusion, desperation, and darkness into a place of light and knowing. Knowing I am weak, but He is strong. Knowing I'm unqualified, but He qualifies the called. Knowing I'm just tired and burned out and done, but He is never done with me. And just knowing that gives me peace.
That's been on repeat these last few months. The struggle isn't over, but it has been lifted for a time. And for that, I'm thankful.
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