Being Transparent

I recently read this blog post by Modern Mrs. Darcy about what neon lycra and chapped nipples taught her about denying it gets hard sometimes and immediately resonated with her conclusions.  It's something that's been on my mind on and off for the last year or so.  When we're struggling or hurting or facing hard things in life, why is it our tendency to (usually) try to hide it?

I do it.  Two years ago I went through a really difficult trial in my life, and I only shared my struggle with two people (one of whom was Billy).  The rest of the time I pretended that my pain wasn't there and everything was just great.  Now that it's behind me, it's a lot easier to share with others about that time and point to God's faithfulness and healing.  But going through it....I felt like I couldn't tell anyone.  I was embarrassed, ashamed, and bitter about something I had no control over.  I remember being in a new church and a new life group, and when prayer request time came I felt the nudge to share just a small part of my burden and ask for prayer, but I didn't.  It was too personal and I feared being that person with "all the problems."  So I kept it to myself and prayed on my own.  God still brought me through it, but would the burden have been a little easier to bear if I had confided in a few more people?

I'm definitely not saying that we should just share everything with everyone all the time.  There's a time and a place (and the right group of people) to share your vulnerabilities.  I just wonder how any of us can have real relationships, or effective ministry, or whatever it is that we're doing if we can't share our burdens, hardships, frustrations, or struggles with the people around us.  Facebook can be a great thing, but it's so easy to post the cute pictures and not the ugly ones.  It takes nothing for me to share a funny story or post photos of my kids playing in perfect harmony, but rarely do I post proof of the hair pulling, screaming, hitting, temper tantrums, time outs, or me yelling at them.  It's easy to paint this lovely picture of life, that everything is beautiful, easy, exceptional, and perfect.  But we all know that life isn't that way.  Life is hard.  Babies don't sleep through the night when everyone says they should.  Siblings slap each other in the face over Legos (that was ALL DAY yesterday).  Money gets tight, or it's just gone.  Our health fails, or our bodies just don't do what we want them to do.  We hate our jobs...or we don't even know what to do with our lives.  Marriages struggle.  We lose direction, momentum, or vision for our lives.  All of us experience these things...no one is immune to them.

Just as a small example: I'm having a trying week.  I have thrush, which makes feeding Grace extremely difficult.  I've done everything I can do at home with no improvement, and I think I waited too long to call the doctor.  So now it's horribly painful.  Just imagine tiny razorblades slicing into your skin, and that's what this pain feels like when I'm trying to feed Grace.  Thankfully I'm now on some medication which will hopefully take care of it, but I've still got several more days before I'm supposed to notice much of an improvement.  I want to cry when I think about nursing her 5 times per day for several more days before I can expect this pain to go away.  I have seriously considered not breastfeeding anymore because the pain is that bad.  And because I'm hurting, Grace doesn't get enough when she tries to eat, so she's waking up in the middle of the night at 7 months old.  So then I'm supplementing with formula and sabotaging my own milk supply anyway.  Meanwhile, I'm sleep deprived and I have the worst nausea I've had in a long time, which is a side effect of the medication.  Ellie and Piper have been at each other's throats the past two days with plenty of screaming and drama and I've hit my limits on just about every front.  It just feels like a no-win situation right now.  In the grand scheme of things, it will be okay.  I will get better and Grace will eat something, whether that's through nursing or formula.  But right now, it feels impossible and I just need someone to say, "It will be okay!" {And as I was typing this, my Granny called to check in and she listened to all my woes...thank you, Granny!}

I have been guilty of believing that I should have it all together.  It's probably safe to say that most of us have struggled with that lie at one time or another.  What I'm trying to say now is that I want to remember how important it is to be transparent.  How much it means to me when I share a struggle with friends, and they reply by saying, "I totally know how you feel" or "I would have a hard time with that, too."  How refreshing it is to hear from other people who have been through hard things and realize that I'm not alone.  And having the opportunity to acknowledge each other's journeys, whether things are good or bad...I think that is the key to living in community.  So thank you to those people who have walked alongside me through easy and hard times, who have encouraged me through all sorts of frustrations.  I hope I can do the same for you!