Exhaustion

Today was seriously one of those days.  You know, the ones where you feel like so many things go wrong and you just can't catch a break.  I've definitely experienced that today.

Last night was just plain terrible.  Piper didn't sleep well at all...I felt like she cried all night, but realistically it was probably less than that.  I had to feed her three times in the middle of the night, which was really hard to do after she'd been sleeping through the night earlier this week.  It just kinda came out of nowhere...not sure if it's a growth spurt, or something I ate, or she's not getting enough calories throughout the day...who knows.  Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep last night.

Today we went to Chick-fil-A, which was great.  It was so nice to get out of the house and hang out with a friend.  Everything was fine until it was time to leave, and then Ellie just threw a huge temper tantrum because she didn't want to leave the indoor playground.  Totally understandable considering she's not even two years old and doesn't really comprehend that I needed to leave and get home to feed Piper, but it was still embarrassing.  Picture her screaming in the most shrill voice possible.  I comforted myself by saying that I'm not the only mom who has gone through this in the middle of a restaurant.  Haha.

So we get home and it's nap time.  I put both girls down for naps, and Piper just isn't having it.  She cries on and off for her entire nap.  She would get quiet for 20 minutes or so, then cry, then get quiet.  Back and forth like that the whole time.  And Ellie was quiet for maybe 45 minutes, and then she was awake and ready to get up.  And she's been taking 3 hours naps pretty much every day this week, so I know she really needs more sleep.  I was hoping to take a nap while the girls slept, but it just didn't work out.

I guess I'm just really worn out.  I love being a mom to my two girls, but there are days when I feel like I just have nothing left to give.  I take care of Ellie and Piper all day and night, and sometimes I don't feel like I'm Kristen anymore.  Which is fine to a certain extent, because part of who I am is "Mom" now, but I also need to just be me sometimes.  Most days, I'm able to do this.  During nap time I'll read a book and relax....no cleaning, cooking, or taking care of kids.  But on days when nap time doesn't work out the way I would like, I don't really get that relaxation time, and by the end of the day my nerves are completely frazzled and I feel like I'm on the verge of crying or screaming or ripping my hair out.  I know I'm not the only person who feels like this...I think most moms go through all these different emotions at one point or another.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm just flat out exhausted.  I don't want to wish Piper's baby days away, because she really will be grown up in the blink of an eye.  But I am desperate for some kind of predictability...especially at night.  I don't know how long I can do the "up all night" thing.

I love my girls and I love being a stay at home mom...but there are days when it takes everything within me just to put one foot in front of the other.