Reflections on Motherhood

It's the middle of the night, but I've had all these thoughts going through my mind and needed to put them into words.  I just can't sleep until I've processed all of these emotions.  I actually wrote all of this on paper tonight in bed because I couldn't sleep, and then decided to go ahead and type it in a post.

I am feeling so sentimental tonight.  I have felt on the verge of tears all evening and I'm not really sure why.  I've been thinking a lot about my life...my husband, my children, my relationship with God.  Just trying to process where I am right now and how I'm living my life, if I'm really allowing myself to live freely, love deeply, and let myself truly feel everything.

I've been reflecting a lot on these small moments of my day...holding Ellie, reading stories, nursing Piper, watching her kick her chubby legs in excitement.  Just really trying to feel these moments.  They are so small, so ordinary...but truly the best moments of my life.

Not long ago, I wrote about motherhood being a thankless job.  Today I've realized how beautifully raw motherhood is...it is so hard at times, but so overwhelmingly wonderful, too.  Today while I was nursing Piper before bed I just kept thinking that this is such a gift.  Motherhood.  My life.  Being able to breastfeed.  Staying home with my daughters.  I've really been taking it for granted.  Or rather, not taking the time to be in the moment.  So often I rush through my day...skimming through a story real quick with Ellie, trying to rush Piper through a feeding so I can start dinner, whatever.  Looking at Piper tonight, she was so content, sleeping peacefully through her whole feeding.  She was so beautiful, with her chubby cheeks and dark hair...I just never want to forget that moment.  I never want to forget what that looks like...her complete relaxation and peace with me.

My heart just aches with love for my children.  I just don't want to forget what this is like.  It's like I need to tattoo these images on my brain...Ellie reading a book in her car seat like she's a little adult.  Piper smiling and cooing when I talk to her.  These are such wonderful, small moments that are so ordinary, but really are the substance that give my life joy and meaning.

It is so wonderful that it hurts.  I have felt kinda sad all day today, just thinking that my life won't be like this forever.  I know there will be other wonderful things in the future, but I am so scared that I'll forget all these little things that are so meaningful.  I wish I could videotape every moment, because sometimes I just fear that it will all slip away, and then my babies will be grown up and I won't remember what it was like to hold them, or the smell of their hair after a bath, or how tiny and perfect their little hands and feet were.

I don't ever want to look back and regret that I didn't cherish this time with my girls, or that I saw it as a burden instead of a gift.  It doesn't change the fact that it's hard and overwhelming and crazy at times, but this time I have with Ellie and Piper is so priceless.  It is a time for me to invest in them.  To show them how much I love them, that they mean everything to me.  To teach them and show them how to live.

Dear Ellie and Piper, my sweet and beautiful girls.  You both are just the joy of my life.  I can't believe God chose me to be your mom.  I am so lucky.  Both of you have changed me for the better.  Ellie, your surprise arrival into our lives was one of the most difficult, humbling, and amazing things that has ever happened to me.  I am so glad that we survived it, because my world is so much better with you in it.  You are so intelligent and hilarious...you surprise and delight us every day with the things you say and do.  Whenever I look at you, I think you look just like a little angel.  Sounds silly, but it's true.  You have the most beautiful golden curly hair, fair skin and blue eyes, and the most perfect dimples when you smile.  You melt my heart with your kindness toward your sister, and how you try to comfort her when she cries.  You are a wonderful big sister and I'm so proud of you.  Piper, you have given me such an appreciation for my life as a mom.  We have a special bond that makes me feel needed and loved by you.  I love how you smile as soon as I look into your eyes, and you instantly calm down when I hold you.  You are so beautiful with your dark hair and olive skin.  I'm eternally grateful for the physical bond we have through nursing...it is a true gift to me that I'm able to feed you and experience that aspect of motherhood.  I love you both more than I can ever describe.  I hope someday you both will be able to read this and know, without a shadow of a doubt, how cherished and loved you are by your mom.