Wow...I am SUPER emotional these days. I was just sitting here reading a blog about educating your child prior to them starting school (I Can Teach My Child) and felt that hot, bubbly feeling in my throat I get every time I'm about to cry. I guess the reason it happened is because I saw a picture of a mother and baby immediately after birth, and saw "that face" that every mommy gets when she sees her child for the first time. It's definitely the most amazing thing in the world. In retrospect, I guess I lament the fact that I didn't have that moment. I hardly even remember seeing Ellie that first time when she was 4 days old. I remember holding her (for what felt like a second) while I was wearing that stupid oxygen mustache-looking thing, and everything's blurry because I was still recovering from being on magnesium, which is supposed to help prevent seizures and lower blood pressure. It's on video, and sometimes I'll watch the video just so I can try to remember that moment. Unfortunately, it's not that "wow-this-is-my-baby!" moment, but really I was just thinking, "Wow. I blacked out...then I woke up and there was a baby. What now?" When they asked me if I was ready to hold her, I said, "I guess." What the heck?! What mother in her right mind would say that? It just demonstrates how out of my mind I was at that point.
Earlier today, I was cleaning Ellie's room and putting her Willow Tree figures back on her bookshelf. I am slightly obsessive when it comes to organization and the way things look (although you couldn't tell it from the way my house looks!), so I was organizing the different figures chronologically, from the pregnant figure to the mother holding the toddler (not there yet!). Looking at those little figures made me cry! So dumb, especially considering that I've seen just about every Willow Tree figure out there from working at LifeWay in high school and college. Anyway, I was just thinking about being pregnant, and how I had no idea the way things would end up going for the birth. So dumb, I know. I have a beautiful, healthy daughter who is just fine. I should count my blessings that neither of us have lasting problems, or even worse, had died. But I still deal with what happened every day.
Some days, it's just a fleeting thought about being in the hospital, or how Ellie was so tiny when she was born. Other days, like today, I relive the whole thing all over again, and remember awful things like how depressed I was, or the pain of pneumonia. I know it doesn't make sense, nor is it logical. But regardless of all that, our experience is a part of me for the rest of my life. I think that's expected. The part I can't get over yet is how emotional it makes me feel, and how I have so many regrets and questions.
What if I had followed my instincts and gone to the doctor, even though the nurse told me that I just needed to rest at home?
What if we hadn't gone to the hospital when we did?
Would I still be breastfeeding if I had just asked for help?
Would my baby not have reflux and spit up problems if I had continued to breastfeed?
These questions, along with so many others, will stay with me forever, I have no doubt about that. I can try to let go of them and count my blessings, but I think they'll always linger in my mind. Don't get me wrong; I thank God every day for the miracle He performed in our lives that week. He saved my life, and Ellie's life. He gave us a healthy daughter despite all the circumstances. He gave me a full recovery from a wide variety of problems, including hypertension, pneumonia, oxygen deprivation to my brain, blood loss, and central serous retinopathy. However, I just don't think I'll ever let go of the emotional pain I still experience over that whole experience.
I am comforted by the fact that so many moms experience the crazy emotions after having a baby, even those who had a normal pregnancy and birth. It's just a part of motherhood. I really thought it was over after the first couple of months, and my hormones were back to normal. I've had a resurgence of all these emotions recently. I get emotional over the dumbest things, like thinking about how Ellie is going to get married someday, and what am I going to do when my baby is all grown up?! It's hard for me to explain these feelings to my husband, I guess because men just don't experience life the same way women do. Yes, he loves our daughter, and no, he doesn't want to think about her growing up yet, but it just doesn't affect him the same way.
Anyway, I'm now rambling and going down random rabbit trails...this is my mind now. I'm not nearly as organized as I used to be (before Ellie), and I'm way more emotional. I'm having a hard time coping with all of that...maybe it's because Ellie was sick this week, and it's been hard on everyone? I'd like to think that there's a reason for all this craziness in my brain, but who knows.
Kristen! You are far from "dumb"!! You are a most wonderful mother! Having a baby is a huge life event without trauma... and you had plenty of trauma. You are SO validated in your emotions and regrets. The thing you need to give yourself most right now is grace. It was only a few months ago that all the happened and no one would (unless they are completely without understanding) expect you to just "get over it, count your blessings and move on." That isn't possible or reasonable. God would never expect that of you.
ReplyDeleteGrieving takes time and must be done. There are probably lots of people that need to be forgiven and regrets to be dealt with... it's really not possible or healthy to just brush all of that off.
I know that my birth wasn't like yours but, I still had regrets and "what if" questions I have to deal with and I had to grieve the loss of my ideal birth... I think that process takes time and I'm sure it will continue to need maintenance for a while. Healing those places in your heart is important and God is very good at doing that.
Not to mention that just being a new mom comes with so many adjustments! Who you are, what you are, what you do, who validates you, who your friends are and so much more! It can be overwhelming, especially when you had career goals you were pursuing. We have to let God redefine us and that can be difficult for us. Good thing He is loving and kind. :-)
I'm always here if you need another mother to stand with you or just be a listening ear. :-)
Traumatic experiences are hard to forget. I have some from years ago that still make me emotional. There's nothing wrong with that-- unless you're getting so depressed that you're not functioning or you're feeling suicidal. And like you said, Ellie has been sick, Billy's not working, and you're working multiple jobs. That's a lot to handle!
ReplyDeleteIf it makes you feel any better, I think I'd rather have a crappy birth experience than infertility ;) I don't say that to make you feel bad. It's just that in that respect, counting your blessings might make you feel better. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. And I think that even people with the meanest children or the worst birth experiences are still very blessed. Sure, that's a bad memory. But it's not going to define your relationship with Ellie. She's not going to love you any less if she finds out when she gets older. You obviously can't change the past, but you have plenty of time to make new memories.
"August Hell" was a very traumatic experience for you. It wasn't your fault and there was nothing you could have done to change the outcome. One good thing is that sometimes God lets us go through hard times just so that one day, we'll be able to comfort others in similar situations (II Corinthians 1:3-4). Who knows who you'll cross paths with in the future who might need encouragement that no one but you knows how to offer! =) Praying for you though...