Getting into a Routine

Our Gracie girl is now one month old.  Not sure how that happened because it feels like she came home with us yesterday, but man is she a joy.  I am really loving being her mommy.

I hate that it's taken me three and a half years of motherhood to finally embrace and enjoy this difficult newborn stage, but I'm thankful that God has helped me get to that point finally.  I have to be honest...I am not in love with newborns.  They cry easily, I never know what they need when they do cry (sleep? food? diaper change?), and I really dislike not sleeping through the night.  Ellie wasn't a super difficult newborn once we got her reflux issues under control, but I remember being so annoyed (almost angry) getting up in the middle of the night to feed her.  We were blessed that she started sleeping through the night pretty early (started at 7 weeks and by 10 weeks didn't turn back).  Piper fought sleep from the beginning and didn't sleep through the night consistently until 8 months old...oh my goodness that was hard for me.  She had some reflux/dairy intolerance issues that we didn't recognize and so we got into a pretty difficult cycle of just doing whatever we could to keep her happy (which meant I nursed her in the middle of the night quite frequently just to stop the crying).  She also slept in our walk-in closet, so we heard ALL of her noises and she didn't really have an opportunity to learn to self-soothe like Ellie did.

Grace is by no means a perfect baby (she really likes to fight daytime naps and sometimes we just end up holding her to keep the peace in the evenings), but I feel more relaxed as a mother this time.  Yes, her crying still frays my nerves and there are many times that I don't know what to do for her, but I also realize that this time is fleeting compared to the rest of her life and we will come out on the other side of it.  Piper taught me that, for sure.  Those 8 months of not sleeping through the night were really hard, but she is a great nighttime sleeper now and I know that there will come a day when I will get solid rest again.  Grace actually does really well at night and is only getting up once to eat.  One thing that has really helped my sanity with Grace is that she is on a pretty consistent schedule.  Ellie fell into her routine without a lot of work on our part (I think mainly because she was a NICU baby and they regulated her feedings from the beginning).  She has always been our flexible child and really doesn't seem fazed by changes in her routine, so I never worried much about her eating at the same time every day because she just went along with the flow.  Piper didn't really have much of a schedule because I was just dying to get sleep anytime I could.  I didn't give her a consistent wake up time every day and so every day looked different.  With Grace, I have tried to keep her wake up time pretty consistent (somewhere around 8:00 am).  There are some days that she gets up at 7:30 and others I'll wake her up at 8:30, but for the most part the rest of the day looks the same.  I think it's easier this time around because Ellie and Piper have a pretty consistent daily schedule, so I've tried to tailor Grace's feedings around their routine (a.k.a. everyone naps at the same time in the afternoon so that I can get a break!).  I will also say that this noise machine has been a lifesaver at night since Grace is still sleeping upstairs with us.  We just set it on white noise and I think it's made a huge difference for both Grace and me.  She sleeps soundly at night and it also drowns out some of those little noises she does in her sleep, so I'm sleeping better, too.  We also put her in the pack and play just outside of our bedroom, so I'm able to shut the door between our room and where she sleeps and that little bit of separation helps so much.

Now that we have found our daily rhythm as a family again, I'm ready to start moving forward in life.  I felt like my whole pregnancy with Grace was just a time for me to rest and survive, which isn't a bad thing, but I'm really tired of that "stagnant" feeling.  I am trying to focus on getting back to myself, which means a lot of different things I guess.  I'm breaking this down into sections:

Mentally: First, I'm working on letting go of anxiety and stress and trying to be more relaxed.  This isn't exactly an easy task with being a mom to three little girls 3 and under, but I also think a lot of it has more to do with attitude rather than circumstances.  What does my outlook on life look like?  Am I approaching this life with an attitude of thankfulness and joy or am I anxious and negative?  Am I taking time for myself throughout the day to recharge or am I running myself ragged?  These are questions I'm trying to ask myself throughout the day.

Spiritually: I have really neglected reading Scripture for myself in the last few months, so I'm trying to improve in that area.  We've been reading through The Beginner's Bible with the girls, but that doesn't really count as personal quiet time haha.  My goal is to have some type of daily Bible reading time without overthinking it.  I have always struggled on and off with reading the Bible regularly, and I think it's because I tend to get frustrated with devotionals and whether they're "scholarly" or not.  However, when I try reading the Bible on my own without some sort of guidance I often get stuck or give up after a while because I'm not sure what to read next.  I'm now realizing that it's better to read something than nothing at all, so I'm going through My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers again.  Eventually I would like to purchase a new devotional that I haven't read (maybe Jesus Calling by Sarah Young) but for now the point is to read God's word every day and be refreshed by that.

Physically: Now that Grace is one month old, I'm slowly starting to get myself back to normal physically.  I've lost 20 pounds since her birth without trying (mostly due to getting the baby out, not being swollen anymore, and having the flu for 4 days), but I still have 15-20 more pounds to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight.  I signed up for MyFitnessPal and downloaded the free app for my iPhone to start journaling my diet and exercise throughout the day.  I've done Weight Watchers twice now (after Ellie and Piper were born) and that worked really well for me, but I really don't want to pay for a membership if I can get a free version elsewhere.  I've heard great things about MyFitnessPal so I decided to give it a try and so far I really like it.  It's actually set up just like Weight Watchers Online except that you're counting calories instead of points (and it's free to use!).  I also really like that I can scan the barcode on something I've eaten and add it to my food diary that way instead of searching through a list of foods (although you can do it that way, too).  I did some light yoga yesterday as my first day of real exercise and that was good (although I can't believe how out of shape I am!).  Anyway, I'm looking forward to losing the rest of my pregnancy weight and eventually working toward getting stronger and more active on a daily basis.  I've also resolved to take care of myself a little more, meaning I need to go spend some of that Christmas money on new clothes.  I also made myself a hair appointment for Thursday (since I haven't had a haircut--or even a trim--since September 2012...yes, a year and a half!) and I'm getting my eyebrows waxed--a real luxury haha.

Family: There are a few things here that I'm trying to work on.  We're currently reading Hands Free Mama in our book club, which is all about letting go of distractions so that we can focus on the things that really matter.  I'm trying to spend more time paying attention to my children than my phone and less time on Facebook and more time being with them.  This is hard, because I often want to retreat for a moment to zone out, but my kids need to know that I'm listening and aware of what they're doing instead of saying, "Yeah, uh-huh, okay go play now."  I also want to be more intentional about paying attention to Billy and strengthening our marriage.  Now that we have three kids, we are outnumbered and it's harder to have that time to focus on each other, but it's still totally doable and we just have to work at it a little.  I want to be a better wife to him and this is something I've neglected while I was in "pregnancy survival mode."

Socially: This seems like an odd thing to work on, but I want to be more intentional about my relationships.  I want to invest in other people and serve them, while also allowing myself to be encouraged by the people I'm around.  I'm a natural introvert so I tend to shy away from social situations (except with people close to me), but I've found since becoming a mom that I really need to be around other people sometimes so that I can get a little perspective on life.  I want to make more of an effort to spend quality time with friends, so I'm trying to say yes a little more often than I say no while also having discernment about what is best for our family.

I know this seems like a really long, overwhelming list, but these are all things I've started working on in moderation and my goal is to slowly get better and better at them.  I don't think I'll ever check all of this off a to-do list, but I really just want to embrace this life I've been given and enjoy every season even while things aren't perfect.  I don't want to wait until my kids are grown to focus on my husband, and I don't want to let life pass me by while I stay cocooned inside what's comfortable for me (being out of shape, unsocial, anxious, and stagnant).  I really want this season of my life to be a time for me to grow into who God made me to be instead of holding back out of fear.  I've been on the cusp of this for a long time and I've made significant progress over the past few years, but it's really time for me to just dive in and do it instead of thinking about it.

And now I leave you with some pictures of my cuties:

This is Ellie's "rocket ship" made out of chairs :)

Piper is practicing sitting on the potty (fully clothed haha) and Ellie thought it would be a good idea to read her a story.

Grace is a strong little girl already (just like her big sisters!)

If this isn't the cutest thing I've ever seen...it seriously makes the craziness worth it when I see how loving my girls can be toward each other!

Grace's Birth Story (and my crazy postpartum experience)

It's time for me to write down Grace's birth story!  I'm so afraid I'll forget all of these details (things are already getting a little fuzzy for me and she's only 2.5 weeks old!).  Each of my girls has their own unique story of coming into the world and I always try to get it written out so that I can put a copy of it in their baby books for future reference. :)  So here it is!

The morning of Grace's birth started off well.  I got up a little earlier than normal so that I could get ready and finish packing.  Bonnie (Billy's mom) had spent the night with us, so she was able to get the girls up and eating breakfast so that I could focus on getting those last few things done.  I remember after getting myself completely ready I just sat on the bed in silence.  I had been so excited leading up to her birth that I hadn't really felt nervous, but in that moment it all hit me that we were having our third child and that I would be having abdominal surgery for the third time.  I started thinking about Ellie and Piper and how their little worlds were getting ready to change and that Piper wouldn't be my baby anymore...needless to say, I got a little overwhelmed emotionally.  I did the exact same thing the morning that Piper was born and even in the midst of being all hormonal I laughed at myself.  After the girls finished breakfast they came upstairs to our bedroom so I could have a few minutes alone with them.  I felt sad and happy, excited and freaked out all at the same time.  The girls, of course, were completely wrapped up in having Grandma with us and I don't think they even picked up on my awkwardness.  I think Ellie understood what was happening since we had explained that Mommy and Daddy were going to the hospital to have Grace and that she would be able to come visit us later that evening, but Piper at 21 months old could care less haha.

Billy and I headed to the hospital after that.  He kindly ate breakfast in the car in front of me (while I'm fasting and can't eat or drink anything...) but I did give him permission so I guess I can't fuss about it too much haha.  We got to the hospital at 9:30, took a few pictures outside, and then went to check in.

40 weeks with Grace!

Everything that happened next was identical to how it went with Piper.  We got checked in at registration and got my wristband and paperwork, went up to the family birthplace, and a nurse escorted us to one of the little waiting rooms for surgical patients.  I put on one of those awesome (not) paper nightgowns and got hooked up to the IV.  I was actually pretty excited about getting some IV fluids this time because I was still recovering from a pretty bad cold and had the worst sore throat of my life (seriously!).  I was SO thirsty and getting the fluids actually helped my throat feel a little better.  They put a monitor on me to listen to Grace's heartbeat for 20 minutes (every time I coughed her heart rate would go way up and Billy said I was scaring her!) and I answered a zillion questions.  I got blood drawn, a nausea patch put behind my ear to prevent vomiting from the anesthesia, and talked with my nurses, anesthesiologist, OBGYN, and midwife.  Even though I was having a repeat cesarean I chose to have midwife care throughout my pregnancy and I wouldn't change that for anything.  I still appreciate and love the doctor who did my surgery, but I really enjoyed seeing the midwives.  I feel like they really listened to me and treated me as a whole person.  They go beyond the physical symptoms and really care about how you're doing emotionally and that was something I really appreciated (since I tend to have trust issues with doctors).  

My doctor was running a little late that day (which we expected since I was not first in line for surgery that morning) so Billy and I just sat in our little room and chilled while we waited.  We talked, took some pictures, played on our phones a little bit, and just tried to relax.  Billy kept having issues with the scrubs they brought him to wear and they were all either too small or way too big so that kept me laughing for a while.  Finally they told us it was time!

We walked to the operating room and Billy had a nice little chair to sit in while he waited for me to get ready.  They took me into the freezing cold room and had me straddle the operating table so the anesthesiologist could put the spinal in.  That is always the nerve-wracking part for me (in my head I'm thinking, "Am I bending over far enough?  Will they get the spinal in properly?  Am I going to be paralyzed for life?" haha).  Thankfully my midwife was right there and held my hand through it and kept me chatting so I wouldn't feel as nervous.  I immediately felt my lower half get warm and numb and then it's like I'm a giant rag doll as they get me all situated.  I started to feel kinda bad because the nurses are like, "Can you scoot a little to the side?" and I just lay there because I'm a giant numb blob haha.  They got the sheet up and the anesthesiologist used a pin to prick my shoulder and told me to tell him when I could feel the pinprick again.  He did that all over my stomach and moved his way up until I could feel it again and then the doctor used a clamp to pinch my abdomen for the final test.  I couldn't feel anything so I passed the test and Billy was allowed to come in and sit next to me.  

I always feel a little weird when I get the anesthesia, like I'm really sleepy and calm.  This time, I had a cough going into surgery so that made things a little interesting.  Every now and then I would feel a tickle in my throat like I needed to cough but I was a little paranoid about doing that while they were cutting me open.  There's also this feeling of confusion when talking or laughing because you're supposed to feel your stomach move when you do those things, but because everything is numb you don't feel it and it gives the sensation of not being able to talk/breathe/laugh.  So I mostly stayed silent during the surgery and just smiled and nodded when people asked if I was doing okay.  Billy the Brave decided to actually watch the surgery and spent the whole time standing next to me and looking over the curtain (I didn't know they would let him do that!).  They warned him that if he passed out they weren't going to do anything for him, but of course Billy isn't the least bit squeamish about that stuff and he did fine.  He actually got to see Grace being born, which is a first for him (he wasn't with me during Ellie's birth and he stayed behind the curtain during Piper's birth).  

That's little Grace coming out of my stomach!  Don't mind the bloody rag in the background...

Shortly after she came out we heard her first little cries.  Grace Victoria Ephraim was born at 12:44 pm, measuring 7 pounds 8 ounces and 19 inches long.  Grace's birth is the first one I've actually had that happy-crying thing happen.  I heard her sweet little cry and they held her over for me to see and I just choked up.  She was perfect and precious and mine.  It was perfect.

They did her measurements, Billy cut the umbilical cord, and then I got to snuggle with her while laying on the operating table.  I made sure to tell every single person involved in my surgery that I wanted to do kangaroo care (skin-to-skin contact) immediately, which is something new that our hospital just started doing a few months ago.  I think it was so important to me because I missed out on the first 4 days of Ellie's life and then I didn't get to hold Piper as soon as I thought I would.  I could tell the anesthesiologist was not a fan, but he kindly let me hold my little girl on my chest.  This was by far the best moment of her birth.  She immediately stopped crying when they put her on my chest and got super quiet while I talked to her.  She started looking for food and nuzzled my cheek and it was just the happiest moment I've experienced when having a baby.

The happiest mama in the world! 

My angry 7.5 pound little girl!

After snuggling for a few minutes they took her to the nursery and I felt so much calmer during that time than I did with Piper.  I was so thankful to have held her against me for a few minutes and that really sustained me through the rest of the surgery.  I just relaxed and listened to everyone talking and it was really very calm.  Before I knew it I was done and they were sliding me onto a hospital bed to be wheeled down to my room.  We passed the nursery on the way there and I got another glimpse of Grace while they did her Apgar scores and all that fun stuff.  After about 30 minutes in recovery she was in the room with me and I was able to feed her.  

We had lots of visitors that afternoon and even Ellie made it over to see us that evening.  We figured it would be best for Ellie to come without Piper the first time since she would be able to understand better what was going on and then would (hopefully) help Piper the next day.  She was appropriately interested in Grace but wasn't emotional or confused or anything.  It was more like, "Yep, that's baby Grace, okay what's this thing in your arm Mommy???  And can I push those buttons on your bed?!"  

Piper came to visit on Saturday and she seemed a little bothered that I was in a hospital bed.  She kept staring at me with this confused/accusatory expression haha.  She checked out Grace a little but was mostly interested in exploring the room and messing with everything.  

The girls look thrilled, right?  They were loving those glove balloons, though.

Our hospital stay was pretty relaxed.  Other than hacking up my lungs (and praying my incision wouldn't rip open) it was easy.  Saturday night my pain kinda caught up with me and put me in tears for a few minutes until I could get some heavier painkillers, but after one dose I got in control of my pain and haven't had to take anything stronger than ibuprofen since then.  I definitely wanted to get my strength back as soon as possible and actually got to stand up for a minute the same day I had surgery.  I never want to overdo it, but I also think that pushing myself to stand, walk, take a shower, etc. helps me recover faster.  

Grace was wonderfully relaxed in the hospital (most newborns are, I guess).  She basically spent the whole time sleeping and cuddling.  We did send her to the nursery both nights just because it's the one opportunity I have to try to get some sleep before going home and I like to take advantage of that.  The nurses brought her to me for feeding in the middle of the night and every time they came in they said all she did was sleep in the nursery. 

We came home on Sunday, two days after she was born.  She has been a wonderfully content and sweet-tempered baby.  I feel like (so far) she is really living up to her name.  We love the name Grace as it refers to God's grace; we believe this little girl is an example of an undeserved blessing from God and we've experienced over and over how God gives us so much when we don't deserve an ounce of it.  Victoria means "victory," which is special to me because I went through a really hard season in my life just prior to getting pregnant with Grace.  I had some physical issues that I had been dealing with for a long time and FINALLY found some health professionals who listened to me and helped me overcome those problems.  Having our third little girl after going through all of that felt like a victory to me!  I really wanted to go through my pregnancy with an attitude of joy and thankfulness and her name helped me focus on that.

Our transition to having three children hasn't been nearly as difficult as I anticipated.  Yes, it's still challenging balancing the needs of all these little people, but I really think the transition from one child to two was way harder.  Piper was also a bit of a difficult baby and that probably made our transition harder.  For the most part, Grace is pretty happy to just eat and be held.  She is definitely a little snuggler, but thankfully she has a Daddy who loves to hold her!  She is slowly going longer stretches at night between feedings so I am starting to get a little more sleep at night, but even if she eats every three hours she pretty much goes right back to sleep after eating.

After our first week at home, when I was finally starting to get my normal strength back, I got a stomach bug.  Oh my gosh it was horrible.  I started feeling bad Friday night and by Saturday morning I was stumbling around the house because I was so dizzy and then I started throwing up.  Poor Billy had to be in charge of everyone on Saturday because I was totally bedridden.  Every time I got out of bed I would start vomiting again so I pretty much just stayed laying down.  The troops rallied around us on Sunday and we had tons of family come up to help.  Granny and Poppaw came up to help with Ellie and Piper so that Billy could focus on taking care of Grace and me (they also did laundry and tried to help clean up around here a little!).  Nana and Poppy came up and did some grocery shopping for us and my mom came up to stay with us for the next two days.  By Monday I was still really sick and vomiting every time I got out of bed so we went to my OBGYN's office to get checked out.  They said it was just a stomach bug but that I was severely dehydrated so I received two bags of IV fluids to help me get on top of that.  I guess sickness, breastfeeding, and post-surgical recovery don't mix well?  ;) I still felt horrible but stopped vomiting after I got the fluids.  My mom stayed with us on Monday and Tuesday, my Poppaw came up on Wednesday, and Granny stayed with us on Thursday and Friday.  It really took all of those people for us to get through it and survive.  I finally started getting out of bed on Wednesday and by Friday I was actually showered and dressed (but still pretty dizzy).  I am so thankful for all of my family who took time off work to stay with us and for so many friends who brought meals and prayed for us.  That was rough and I hope that never, ever happens again.

I love her fat little face in this one! 

God knew what He was doing when he gave us this little girl.  She was so undemanding during my sick time and I think that's the only way I was able to continue breastfeeding through being sick.  I feel so very blessed to have my three girls and a loving husband who really is committed to me through sickness and in health...he has seen some really gross and horrible things in the last few years with me and I can't believe he's stuck it out (well, I can believe it because he's just a great man, but seriously....he's seen it all at this point haha).  

Well, that was a long and rambling story, which just goes to show where my brain is these days.  Long story short, Grace is a sweetie pie, Ellie and Piper are some pretty awesome big sisters, I have the greatest husband in the world, and I am SO GLAD I'm not sick anymore!  :)

Just a little update before the craziness begins!

Let's see...my last couple of posts I've discussed all the things that I needed to do before Grace was born, and now they're all done!  Well, mostly anyway.  We still have to clean out the van (the layer of crushed Goldfish crackers is pretty intense right now) and install the car seat base, but really we're pretty close to done as it gets.  I've even packed most of my hospital bag, minus the few last minute items that I'll put in on Friday morning.  We have the pack and play bassinet all set up in our room, complete with diapers, wipes, burp cloths, extra clothing, etc.  I finished my freezer cooking on the last day of 2013 and I've stocked up on easy (and some unhealthy) foods for the kids to eat (macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets, peanut butter, cheese, raisins, canned fruit, etc.).  We even have the crib set up in the guest bedroom now.  I feel ready!

This is really the first time I've felt ready to have a baby.  I was so unprepared in every way for Ellie's birth because she came early (and in a really dramatic way).  With Piper, I was so focused on her birth and what I wanted it to be that I really didn't prepare myself for what life would look like when we came home from the hospital (let's just say it was a HUGE adjustment haha).  Finally, for the first time in three pregnancies, I'm just so looking forward to holding my baby and seeing her sweet face for the first time.  I really can't stand it.  I feel like this week is dragging by so slowly (Billy says it's flying by for him!) and I can't wait for Friday.  I think it helps a lot to know what to expect this time.  Even though it's my third C-section, I have no memories of the first one (due to general anesthesia) so Piper's birth was really my first normal C-section experience.  I know how it will go this time and I know what things to ask for in advance.  I also know how I'll feel afterward and what breastfeeding will be like.  I feel ready for this little girl to join our family and figure out what our new "normal" will look like having three children.  I know a lot of people say it's really hard (and I'm not doubting that), but isn't having one child kind of hard, too?  I really think you just grow and adjust with each child you have.  Each one is a joy and a challenge and you learn how to cope (and eventually thrive) within your family.  I'm sure three is harder than two, but I KNOW that two is harder than one, and one is harder than zero.  I've made it this far with two children who are 20 months apart, so I feel confident that I will do okay with three kids, too.

We've had some pretty big changes around here in the last few weeks (big for us, anyway).  We finally moved Ellie from the crib to a twin bed.  It seems crazy that we left her in the crib until almost three and a half years old, but she never once climbed out of it and seemed happy so we let it go as long as possible.  She got to pick her new bed set and is really thrilled with getting to sleep in a big girl bed.  We've had some adjusting to do with that, but all in all she has done great.  It's been a week and a half now and for the most part we don't have any issues with her getting out of bed inappropriately.  Nap time has been interesting and not nearly as calm as it used to be, but we've put the fear of God in her and I think she finally gets that we're serious about staying in bed. :)  She is also staying dry at night, so I see an end to the nighttime Pull-Ups in our future (at least until it's Piper's turn!).  Unfortunately, staying dry at night means she has to go before I think it's an appropriate hour to be awake, so we're trying to teach her that she can just get up and go by herself and doesn't need permission at 2:30 in the morning.  Easier said than done.  She is SO smart, but for some reason she doesn't understand why I don't want her to yell, "Moooooommmmmyyyy, I have to go POTTY!" in the middle of the night.  I guess it's confusing because I tell her to stay in bed, but then say it's okay to get out of bed if she has to use the bathroom.  I guess we'll get there eventually haha.

Ellie has also been weaned from sucking/chewing on her baby blankets!  We visited the dentist for the first time last week and she was AMAZING.  I really couldn't believe how great she did for her first time.  She answered all of their questions by herself without me having to intervene and she listened politely while they explained all of the tools and what they were going to do.  She LOVED getting her teeth counted and cleaned and her favorite tool was "Mr. Thirsty" (the suction thing).  I sat on a bench in the corner and just watched the whole time.  It was almost a little sad that she didn't need me for anything, but goodness that made me so proud that my girl was being so independent and confident!  We did start talking about the dentist back in November and I've been trying to prepare her for what it would be like, but I never imagined she would do that well.  She's already excited about going back in the summer.  The only sad thing was that the dentist said she had to stop sucking on the blanket.  Thankfully, after a few rough days, she has given it up and that battle seems to be over!

Piper is just her sweet, mischievous self as usual.  She is definitely more interested in babies than Ellie was at this age and is very aware that "baby Grace" is her sister and she's in Mommy's belly.  She loves to check out/climb into the carseat and gets into all of the baby stuff constantly.  Who knows what things will look like once Grace is actually here, but for now it's really adorable how she rubs my belly and says "baby Grace" and then blows kisses.  Piper is definitely our little charmer and knows just how to tug at the heartstrings while getting away with murder.  She is very verbal and repeats pretty much everything that Ellie says and does, which is both good and bad.  I'm interested (and a little afraid) of what she will do when she realizes she's not the baby anymore!

Our house in Lynchburg has not been rented out yet, but we've hired a property management company to take it over for us.  It costs us more money to do it this way, but we're saving ourselves a lot of stress and anxiety in the process, especially considering that we're having a baby right at the time that we would need to be showing it.  They just listed it, so we're praying that they find tenants quickly.  It is a huge relief knowing that we've done everything on our end and now it's up to the property manager to get it taken care of.  We're also praying that this will be beneficial to us in the long run and not a huge mistake...haha.

We've had some sickness in the last couple of weeks.  Piper came down with a cold at the end of December, then Ellie got it, and by the first weekend of January I had it.  Nothing major, just lots of coughing and feeling bad.  We all finally got better last week just in time for Piper to get some type of viral pink eye (which I think is leftover from the original cold we had).  I put off taking her to the doctor because I wasn't completely convinced it was bacterial (which would require an antibiotic), and thankfully by Monday of this week it was gone....just in time for Ellie to get it.  So now Ellie is dealing with the red and crusty eyes, but hers doesn't seem as severe as Piper's was.  And now I have another cold, which seems to be different from the original one we had because I have the worst sore throat of my life and some major chest congestion.  However, I think it's on it's way out because I'm feeling a little more energetic today with a lot more of the productive coughing.  So I kinda feel better and worse at the same time.  I have ingested an entire gallon of orange juice in the past 24 hours and been trying to rest as much as possible and I think it's helping a lot.  Today is definitely a pajama day in our house and I don't even feel bad about that haha.

Billy's mom is coming up tomorrow evening so she can stay with the girls while we're in the hospital this weekend.  Billy and I have plans to go out to dinner by ourselves tomorrow night (last date night before we're a family of 5...ahhhh!).  I have to be at the hospital at 9:30 on Friday morning and we should be meeting our little Grace around lunch time.  I am SO looking forward to this...I know reality will hit me once we're home and getting back to regular life, but for now I'm enjoying romanticizing it a little and picturing our sweet baby girl.  Please pray for us! :)

Complaining

So for 4 days, Ellie has been complaining about the same thing, over and over.  "I don't feel good.  I'm sick."  Normally I would be very compassionate about this and do what I could to make her feel better...but I can't find anything wrong with her.  Usually if she complains of some physical ailment we suggest going to the bathroom, burping, eating or drinking something, laying down with a blanket, etc.  And 9 times out of 10 she's happy to try all of those things and then magically she feels better.  Not the case this week.  I have suggested anything and everything I can think of to "make her feel better" and she rejects all of them and then goes about her merry way playing, running, singing, whatever.  She certainly doesn't act sick.  Once she even said, "I have a headache."  So I said, "I'm sorry you have a headache.  Can you point to where it hurts?"  She pointed to her stomach.  Hmmm...starting to think she isn't actually sick.  She complains during breakfast, while we're sitting in the car, or whenever she seems to get bored.  I ask her what she wants (thinking maybe she's fishing for some snuggling or medicine) and she doesn't want anything, it's like she just wants to complain and announce to anyone around her that she is sick.  I really think it comes down to one thing: attention.

This morning I got to my breaking point with it.  I wanted to lash out and be like, "STOP COMPLAINING!!!"  I didn't.  But I really, really wanted to.  And then, just as the urge to yell or fuss at her was unbearable and I was about to give in, I realized something.  I've been doing the same thing....all week long.  Not complaining about "not feeling good," but complaining about how much I have to do.  How stressed out I am.  How I need to clean this room.  How I need to catch up on all of the dishes and laundry.  How I don't feel like cooking dinner.  How I'm just so tired.  And it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I am modeling a whiny, complaining behavior to my daughter and she's going along with it by complaining about the only thing she can think of to say:  "I don't feel good."

I feel so embarrassed.  I have a home.  Plenty of food.  My healthy little family.  Heat in my house.  The ability to go visit with other family members next week for Christmas.  Yes, there are stressful things going on in our family right now, but nothing that compares to having our needs (and so many of our wants) met.  And yet I sound so ungrateful when I replay my own words.

Isn't it amazing what our little ones can show us about ourselves?

Lord, change me.  Forgive me for my bad attitude and incessant complaining.  Thank you for blessing me and my family with so much.  Help me to remember what my life is about instead of focusing on what I think I lack.  Help me be a good role model to my children.

Freezer Cooking Plan

I have finally finished my freezer cooking meal list in preparation for Grace's birth.  I have been working on this list on and off for a couple of months now, adding and deleting things as I get new ideas.  I'm pretty set that this is my final FINAL list, so I'm posting it here for anyone who is interested in what I'll be cooking in the next few weeks!

I was blessed to be part of a paleo soup swap this past weekend (we don't necessarily eat paleo as a family, but certainly not averse to it and I welcomed the opportunity to fill my freezer with some variety!).  There were 7 of us participating, so each of us made 7 batches of some type of paleo soup and then we all swapped so that everyone comes home with 7 freezer bags containing a variety of soups.  I made a paleo chili which turned out really well in my opinion (tastes just like normal chili minus the beans and it was FULL of tons of veggies!).  Since I knew this was coming up, I decided to simplify my life and count all of the soups as part of my baby preparation freezer cooking.  This is what I currently have stocked in my freezer:

1. Curried Chicken and Sweet Potato Soup
2. Paleo Chili
3. Cream of Zucchini Soup
4. Paleo Minestrone
5. Butternut Squash and Roasted Garlic Soup
6. Turkey Soup
7. Tomato Beef and Basil Soup
8. Tater Tot Casserole 
9. Chicken Enchilada Casserole
10. Green Rice Casserole (side dish)

The last three items on this list were things I've made in the last couple of weeks and just haven't used yet, so I'm just planning to hold on to them for the post-baby cooking hiatus.

These are the meals I still need to make:

1. Sour Cream Noodle Bake x2
2. Spaghetti Casserole x2
3. Baked Ziti x2
4. Crockpot BBQ Chicken x2
5. Italian Crockpot Chicken x2
6. Crockpot Ranch Pork Chops x2
7. Beef Tacos (using homemade taco seasoning)
8. Slow Cooker Chipotle Chicken Tacos
9. Crockpot Loaded Baked Potato Soup (I'm just going to prep the base for this soup and freeze it before cooking since dairy isn't totally reliable after freezing)
10. Cheesy Chicken and Black Bean Enchiladas

Most of the casseroles that say x2 make enough to fill a 9x13 with one batch, so I usually just split the batch between two 8x8 pans and then I have two meals for the price and preparation of one.  With the exception of the enchiladas, these are all tried-and-true recipes for our family that we really like (the enchiladas just sounded good in the moment and they're easily freezable, so we'll see how that turns out).  Yes, my list is heavy on the pasta and carbs, but I know these are meals my family loves and will legitimately eat without complaining (which equals a happy mama, especially post baby!).  Also, we unashamedly love carbs in this house :)

So I have 10 recipes to make, which will bring my total freezer meal count to 25 (plus one side) when I include the stuff that has already been made.  I am trying to focus mostly on dinners this time since breakfast and lunch are pretty simple meals in our household anyway.  Also, it's far cheaper for me to buy convenience foods for breakfast and lunch to have at home than it is for dinner.  If I get around to it I would still like to make some banana bread or something like that, but definitely not critical at this point.

Now my task is to find the time to get all this cooking done before January.  Even though I'm not planning to have Grace until the 17th, I feel a sense of urgency that I need to get all of this stuff done by the end of the year.  I have had a lot more discomfort with this little girl than I did with either of her sisters and it makes me anxious that Grace will be the one who decides to put my body into labor.  We are trusting that whenever Grace comes is God's plan, BUT it would be nice if we could just have a plan and stick to it for once haha.  We planned for Ellie to be a natural birth (instead we got a c-section 3 weeks early), Piper was a planned VBAC (ended up with a c-section at one week late), and now Grace is a planned c-section and I'm nervous that she's going to do something crazy haha.  

Right now, I'm torn between finishing Christmas preparations and freezer cooking.  I probably should focus on the Christmas stuff since that's next week and Grace isn't supposed to be here for another 4 weeks, but I also don't want to be 39 weeks pregnant and trying to do all this cooking (it's already pretty difficult at 35 weeks).  Maybe I can just be a little crazy and do all of it this week...?

Speaking of crazy...the past few days have been pretty discouraging.  Our house in Lynchburg is up in the air again (tenants have moved out, two showings for new tenants have been scheduled and then canceled at the last minute) and we're trying to decide what to do with the house.  Should we rent it again and then have to face all of this stuff a year from now?  Should we try to sell it and take the loss on the house?  We have been praying about it for the past week and we're just looking for some direction.  It is so tiring to be dealing with the emotional, mental, and financial strain of the house while anticipating Christmas and a new baby coming, not to mention our goals of financial freedom and how we feel like we're just treading water and making no progress right now.  I know we are making progress on our goals, but these are like teeny tiny tiptoe steps and that's about all we can handle right now until we can get the debt snowball rolling (or I get a job).  Anyway, it's a lot to think about right now when we have so many other things to focus on, too.  I think we have at least decided to contact a few different people and get some more information before making a final decision, so I'm praying that God would speak to us through those communications.  If you are interested in praying for our family, we would certainly be humbled and grateful if you could lift these things up to God on our behalf!

Other than some mental stress, we are doing so well.  Our little family is healthy, we live in a house that we truly enjoy being in, and we feel so at home and settled in our community.  These times of stress are just opportunities for me to call on Jesus and grow closer to Him, so I'm trying to focus on that right now instead of being frustrated.  I know that God hears us and knows what's happening and what the eventual outcome will be, so I'm trying to visualize all of these things sitting in His hands instead of weighing on my shoulders.  Plus, we have so much to be joyful about, so my goal is to have joy and peace regardless of what's happening.  Merry Christmas! :)

Grocery Shopping: It's Exhausting

One of my least favorite things I have to do is grocery shopping.  Mostly because it is just so tiring.  It shouldn't be that big of a deal for me, but I guess having two children, being 30 weeks pregnant, navigating the aisles with an extra large cart that has a kids' car on the end (haha), and trying to stick to my list and budget is a lot to take on.  Does anyone else feel this way or am I just being whiny? :)

I know I could go shopping in the evening when Billy gets home from work, but by then I've got to make dinner, get everyone fed and cleaned up, and then I would have to go into town (at this point it would be 6:30 or 7:00) and I'm just done by then.  Usually in pajamas and ready to sit on the couch.  I love having the evening at home to hang out with Billy and the girls and get a little relaxation time after a full day.  There are still times when I do feel like getting out for a bit when Billy gets home and he's always more than willing to stay home with the kids, but in this season of life I seem to have the most energy for that task in the morning, so I just take the kids and we get it done.

Today was a little tricky...Ellie is going through the whiny stage and also wanting to change her mind every few minutes.  She was certain she wanted to walk today (instead of riding in the car part of the cart with Piper) so I let her walk.  After about 3 aisles she was ready to sit in the cart, so I told her, "Okay, but if I put you in you can't get out until we're done shopping.  Do you still want to ride?"  And she said yes, so I put her in.  Well, within about 90 seconds she was over it and wanted out again, but I said no.  Then she gets whiny, and when I ignore the whining she gets even more angry and starts yelling.  Typically, reasoning with her works pretty well and she usually does great when we're in a store, but she just had an off day today (don't we all?). I am really working hard on my reactions to my kids' inappropriate behavior and so today, after reasoning and discussion didn't work, I just ignored her.  That was SO hard for me.  I was boiling inside and wanted to just explode on her.  But obviously that's not teaching her or Piper anything productive, so I stayed calm (miraculously).  The whole time she was carrying on all I could do was take deep breaths and keep saying over and over, "Lord, you are with me and you have the power to make me not react negatively, please give me self control and help me to just get this grocery shopping done!"  She did calm down after a while but never stopped asking to get out (which definitely frays my nerves).  Thankfully, Piper was having a good time and stayed chill all throughout our shopping so it could've been so much worse.  I wish I could always be so calm and not blow up on the girls, but I'm trying!

Speaking of working on my reactions, this book is why I'm doing that:

In our book club we're currently reading Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions by Lysa TerKeurst.  It's all about identifying our emotions and reactions and then learning how to control them in a more biblical way.  Pretty good stuff, I'm about halfway through it and I can really see some good progress in my life, at least with the kids.  I am definitely an exploder when it comes to my children, but I tend to stuff down my emotions with everyone else.  I am dealing with the exploder side of my personality right now (I think that might actually be easier than tending to the stuffing habit).  One thing at a time!

Anyway, we got our regular meal stuff and another 15 pound turkey at Kroger, then went to Costco for 5.5 pounds of ground beef.  We are still doing well on our budget (I spent about $78 this week) so we are still on track.  I'm still factoring in that freezer meal/Thanksgiving week at the end of the month where we won't need to buy as much, so we should be fine for staying at or below our grocery budget for this month.

Our spending in other categories is also improving significantly.  We have an eating out budget now, and we were under budget for the month of October and so far doing fine this month.  Eating out is still very tempting, but we're feeling it mostly on the weekends now instead of during the week which is good.  And we have the budget in place, so we CAN let ourselves splurge on eating out every now and then.  We ate at Chick-fil-A on Friday night for dinner and Ellie was so excited.  We told her we were going to eat there that night and her eyes got so big and she said, "Ohhhhhhh, we're going to eat at Chick-fil-A!!!"  We want it to be something special rather than expected, and it seems like our kids have already made that transition.  And other than paying bills, all of our other spending has been made through gift cards (so we don't factor those purchases into the budget).

Our menu for this week:

Breakfast:

Freezer Breakfast Burritos (for Billy)

Oatmeal, toast, fruit, eggs, muffins (for girls)

Lunch:

Sandwiches, leftovers, fried rice with eggs

Dinner:

• Santa Fe Soup, cornbread
• Twice Baked Potatoes, veggies, bread
• Burrito Casserole with rice
• Whole chicken (in the fryer), veggies, bread
• Crockpot White Chicken Spaghetti, veggies, bread
• Crockpot Creamy Tomato Soup with grilled cheese
• BBQ Meatballs, mashed potatoes, rolls

Extras:

Homemade chicken broth

Cinnamon doughnut muffins

I'm not sure yet if I'll make any freezer meals this week.  The burrito casserole is a new recipe we're trying and the author didn't specify if it goes in an 8x8 or 9x13 dish, so we might just see how much it makes and then go from there.  We might have some extra chicken that I could freeze for chicken tacos or something like that, so I'm just going to play it by ear.  

Now....I think I will go read or do something relaxing for a bit!  I hope to have a quiet, calm evening tonight and just enjoy being home. :)

Is it seriously November?

We are midway through the week and I've been intending to blog for the past three days and well...yeah it just didn't happen.  We've had a good normal week so far, which also means that the girls' nap time = my nap time.  I am grateful that I finally feel like I have a little more energy than I did a few weeks ago, but I still battle with the pregnancy exhaustion (and knowing that it won't end when Grace comes just makes it that much more....exciting haha).  Last night I was putting a casserole dish away in a lower cabinet and literally got out of breath just crouching on the floor.  Nothing makes you feel fatter than when you get out of breath doing nothing.

Anyway, I wanted to post our weekly menu and quickly update on our budget.  I spent $75.73 on groceries this week (so technically 73 cents over budget haha) but also felt very accomplished with what I purchased.  We got all of our weekly meal stuff, plus enough to make two extra casseroles for the freezer, and a turkey.  We are hosting two Thanksgivings at our house this year (which I'm so excited about!) and are responsible for the turkeys so I needed to make sure I purchased at least one this week.  Kroger's deal is 79 cents per pound for a turkey as long as you spend $35 on other groceries, so I figured I could just work it into my regular shopping trip.  I plan to do the same thing next week and maybe the week after depending on how many people we end up planning for.

Another exciting thing this week is that we FINALLY turned our deep freezer on...yay!  When I got home from the grocery store and tried to put the turkey in our freezer it just wasn't happening, so Billy turned the deep freezer on and thank goodness it works!  It came with the house we're renting so we weren't sure if it was in working condition or not.  Definitely exciting because now I can make a freezer cooking plan to prepare for when Grace is born and I have TONS of space to store all of the food.  I've already started working on that list...now to find a day in December that I can actually get all of that done!

Here's our menu for this week:

Breakfast:

Freezer Breakfast Burritos (for Billy)

Oatmeal, toast, fruit, eggs, muffins (for girls)

Lunch:

Sandwiches, quesadillas, leftovers, fried rice with eggs, fruit, crackers, etc.

Dinner:

• Soup from the freezer, green beans, and fried potatoes
• Homemade pizza for Billy and the girls (I had book club so I made potatoes for that)
• Crockpot BBQ Chicken, steamed corn, and English muffin bread
• Tater Tot Casserole (one for dinner and one for the freezer) with green beans
• Chicken Enchilada Casserole (one for dinner and one for the freezer) with rice
• Creamy chicken and pasta with veggies
• Santa Fe Soup (this is a use-what-you-got type of recipe that's basically a spicy chili) with homemade cornbread
• Twice Baked Potatoes, steamed broccoli, and bread

I know there are 8 meals listed for dinner this week but I had enough to plan through Sunday instead of Saturday and figured that might work better anyway (since I rarely want to do grocery shopping on Sunday and usually just wait until Monday morning).

I am also trying to make some extra meals every week to store in the freezer for those times when I just don't feel like cooking or when we need to use our grocery budget to stock up on bulk items (which get expensive fast but also last forever or are cheaper in the long run).  So far, I have two casseroles in the freezer and plan on putting two more in this week.  Probably by the end of this month I will have enough for a whole week of eating freezer meals, so we will reallocate the majority of our grocery budget that week to put toward the baby-preparation-freezer-cooking marathon.  My goal is to save up $150 to make freezer meals so we'll see how that goes.  I'm hoping to make 30 meals this time around...which is a daunting number for me!  Before Piper was born, I made 14 dinner meals as well as some random extras like banana bread and muffins.  Even with only 14 meals it was such a huge help.  The first two months of Piper's life I hardly did any cooking because of our freezer meals and our loving friends/family who brought food.  

My goal is to make life as easy as possible on myself after Grace is born.  I had a lot of expectations with Piper's birth that just didn't happen (such as my all-natural and perfect VBAC...ha!) and I don't want to do that to myself this time.  I know I'm having a C-section this time, which means that I have to plan for my recovery as well as taking care of my family.  We have two flights of stairs in our house that I know I will have to go up and down multiple times per day, and that's just the way it is.  Our bedroom is on the top floor, the girls and our living area/kitchen are on the main floor, and the dog and girls' play area/TV are in the basement.  Because I will definitely have to do stairs right after surgery, I have to take it easy on everything else.  Cooking won't be realistic (hence the freezer meals).  I won't be cleaning the house or doing laundry for at least a couple of weeks, so that's where my dear husband steps in.  He is already AMAZING at keeping up with the dishes (we don't have a dishwasher) but I plan on buying a giant load of disposable plates (and putting all of our freezer meals in disposable pans or freezer bags) so that at least we won't have as many dishes as usual to wash.  Laundry is my thing (it's the one chore I really don't mind doing at all haha) but I can't lift baskets of clothes up and down the stairs so he'll have to take that one over for a while.  And on top of all of my surgical restrictions, I will have three precious little girls to care for.  My priority is to make sure that everyone is fed and loved and that I heal properly from surgery.  Everything else can wait.  

So that's where my mind is these days.  We have a busy but exciting month ahead of us as we plan for two Thanksgivings, getting Christmas gifts in order, deer season, and the UVA-Tech football game at the end of the month to celebrate Billy's 26th birthday.  We will even have a few days sans children that weekend which is pretty exciting!  We love our girls, but we also know that we just need time away from them every now and then to be Billy and Kristen instead of Daddy and Mommy.  Plus, it will probably be the last time we get a chance to get away before Grace is born....and then we will be a family of 5!  Ahhh! :)