A Letter to My Newlywed Self

I've been wanting to write a post on marriage for a while now.  I actually started writing one a while ago, but when it got to 3,000 words I decided to scrap that and write a letter to myself as a newlywed instead (here's to being concise!).  I have very few regrets over the course of my life, but the early years of our marriage holds one of them.  It's easy to put up a front and look like you have the perfect relationship on the outside, while keeping a lot hidden...and I really did that.  So if I could go talk to 19-year-old-newlywed Kristen, this is what I would say.

Dear Younger Kristen,

Congratulations on getting married!  I know you feel like it couldn’t come fast enough.  But, can you believe it?  You are finally here, where you always wanted to be.

Now that the honeymoon vacation is over and Billy’s back to work, I know what you’re thinking.  There’s so much to do.  You’ve got to prepare for the fall semester, get your apartment in order, and start figuring out how to cook something other than tacos or pancakes.  Your mental list is long.

I know you’re also thinking about this new adventure of being married.  It’s so much fun to be known as Kristen Ephraim, isn’t it?  And waking up next to your husband every day and embarking on all the new couple-y activities like finding a church with a newlyweds Sunday School class, grocery shopping together (that one won’t work out too well, just so you know), and doing his laundry and…hmm.  That doesn’t really seem so exciting.  I mean, you knew those things were coming, so it’s not a surprise.  But it seemed so much more romantic before you got married.  Now that you’re there in the middle of it, cooking and cleaning and laundry and being the wife is a little more work than what you were anticipating.

But, you know what?  It’s okay to not do it all.  Your tiny little apartment does not have to be perfectly clean and organized all the time.  You will learn to let these things go, but honestly it will only happen after you have your third child (and you will live in a much larger house that can’t be cleaned in less than 10 minutes).  Those are coming, by the way.  The kids.  In a few years you will have three perfect, charming, and beautiful little monsters who will consume most of your day.  They are way more hilarious than you could ever anticipate.  They will also push you until you don’t think you have anything left to give.  They will scare you to death, make you cry and yell, and they will melt your heart.  You will see so much of yourself and Billy in them, which will make you proud and scared at the same time.  You will worry about how you will raise them to be strong, independent, and compassionate young women.  And no, I don’t have that one figured out yet…but I’m trusting that it will be okay.

Really, the reason I’m writing this letter is because I want to talk to you about your brand-new, very young husband.  I know you love him so much and you already know how great he is.  But can I just tell you something?  He needs you just as much as you need him.  I already know how stubborn you can be, Kristen…because I was you.  I remember how you shut Billy out when you were upset.  How insecure you were in your own worth.  How afraid you were to let people down.  How embarrassed and ashamed you felt because physical intimacy with your husband was painful and nothing like what you thought it would be.  And how all of that just consumed your thoughts.

You and Billy will go through a few really difficult years until this problem gets sorted out (almost 6 years, actually).  You will wonder if being married is the same as living with a roommate.  You will break each other’s hearts while trying to figure out what married life is supposed to look like.  You will beg God for healing and change and get bitter when it doesn’t happen immediately.  You will give up and lose hope and try to accept that this is what your life will look like…but that sweet husband of yours?  He will stick by you.  He will hear you when you are venting and raging and just done.  And he will be the one who encourages you to make that appointment one more time.

And at that appointment, you have my permission to just lose it.  Tell that midwife everything (believe me, if you don’t tell her, she will ask you the most embarrassing questions and then you’ll have to tell her anyway).  She will look you in the eye and say, “Girl, this is not right.  There’s no way you should live like that.”  And she will not only diagnose you, but also refer you to a specialist who will (through prayer, hard work, and God’s hand) help heal you. 

It will still take some time for you to let go of that problem, even after the physical healing happens.  You will hold onto your mental and emotional barriers.  You and Billy will refer to that mental block as “the brick wall.”  Every negative experience puts 10 bricks on, and every positive experience takes one brick down.  But don’t lose hope!  I’ll go ahead and tell you that after you celebrate your seventh anniversary, things get a lot better.  You and Billy will finally enjoy everything that God designed for marriage.  You will feel free to actually communicate with Billy (using real words, not just the silent treatment!).  You will lean on each other when the kids are going crazy and life gets stressful.  You will be able to enjoy sex with your husband and it will fortify your marriage like you wouldn’t believe.  You will learn to see the storms you endured in your early years as laying the foundation for your commitment, and you will learn to thank God for those hard times.

I know you hear people say this all the time: marriage is hard.  And I think you do know that, despite being a newlywed.  But can I encourage you, right now?  Marriage is AWESOME.  Yes, it’s challenging.  You will get mad, bored, stressed, and lazy.  But you will find that your husband will be the very best part of your day.  He will make you laugh and give you grace.  He will do anything he possibly can to make you feel loved (including, but not limited to, Thai food and blizzards from Dairy Queen).  He will support you when you’re hurting and say “I love you” a million times a day because he means it.  He will take the time to have deep conversations with you about America’s education system, how to raise our children to not be idiots, and what we think will happen on the next season of The Walking Dead.  He won’t laugh at you when you say stupid things when you’re tired, like “You can only see lightning at night.”  Or rather, he won’t laugh until you realize what you just said and then you both lose it. 

So yes, marriage is hard.  But it is also fun and good and hilarious and life changing.  Kristen, it is seriously the best decision you ever made.  Billy was the perfect choice for you.  Thank God every day that you have him as your husband for life.  And just so you know, we don’t have it all figured out yet.  But we are learning and growing and happy.  You will love it when you get here. 

With love from the future,

Kristen