Lately I've been struggling with a sense of inadequacy when it comes to what I'm doing with my life. I'm a stay-at-home-mom, which I wouldn't give up for anything, but I've just started to feel kinda down on myself about it. Sometimes I feel like anyone could do this job....that I'm easily replaceable. Anyone could feed and clothe my kids, wipe their noses, change their diapers, etc. Being a mom really is a thankless job.
When my days are exactly the same, and blur together so that I really don't remember what I've actually accomplished in the past month, I start to feel like I'm not accomplishing anything in this season of my life. Sure, I've expanded my recipe repertoire, done a few DIY experiments, become a bit more frugal...but are those things really worth anything?
I know what my problem is...I measure my self-worth by the things that I accomplish. Like getting a degree. Or having a job. It's not that I even want those things, but in my mind I think, "Oh, I'm working on becoming a teacher, so that makes me worth something to the rest of the world." As a mom, I'm not really worth anything to anyone except Ellie and Piper, and they're not old enough to even say, "I love you," so some days I just feel like what I'm currently doing isn't important.
In the grand scheme of things, I do know that my job as their mother is important. I have taken care of these girls from birth; feeding, clothing, changing, snuggling, loving, and comforting them from the moment I met them. I have gotten up with both of them in the middle of the night countless times, whether it be to feed them, give them comfort, or clean up their middle-of-the-night messes. I have watched my little Ellie grow from a 4 pound preemie into a walking, talking, interactive, and curious little girl. Who taught her her first word? I did. Who taught her sign language? I did. Who taught her to clean up her messes, put away her clothes, and eat with a fork and spoon? I did. Could someone else have taught her those things? Yes. But they didn't...I did.
I like staying home with my children. I don't have the desire to join the workforce at this point in my life. When my children are older, yes, I will get a job and probably enjoy that as a new challenge. But for right now, I want to stay home with the girls. I just have these moments of self-doubt where I believe that I'm not doing anything significant by staying home with my children. Some days I wish someone would just tell me, "You're doing a great job with those girls. Keep it up!"
I know that this is my calling for this season of my life. God has purposely burdened my heart to stay home with my children, and He's made it financially possible for us to do that when both Billy and I thought that would never happen. Are there times where we question what God has called us to do, and wondered if we're qualified or capable? Absolutely. The point is that I'm not qualified or capable to raise these girls, but that I'm willing to lean on God through it all. I have to believe that one day I will see the fruits of my labor, even though it may be a very, very long time before that happens. I have to trust that there is a purpose to me staying home and raising my children, no matter how dull, repetitive, overwhelming, or thankless it becomes. I have to persevere on the days where I feel like giving up, when nothing goes right and all I've accomplished is getting out of bed. This is a season...and I can't let my personal insecurities, jealousy, or fears dictate what I do.
If anyone ever says that being a stay-at-home mom is an easy job, I will seriously poke them in the eye. =)
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Friday, June 8, 2012
Weight Watchers...Again!
I joined Weight Watchers a little over a week ago. This is my second time being on the program; I went on it for the first time about a year ago when I was finally ready to buckle down and lose the rest of my baby weight from my pregnancy with Ellie. My goal (last time) was to lose 10 pounds (which would put me at my pre-pregnancy weight). I stayed on the program for 3 months and ended up losing 21 pounds, bringing me back down to what I weighed when Billy and I got married (which was my goal when I realized that the program actually works!). And just a couple of weeks after I met my final goal weight, I found out I was pregnant again =). So I took a hiatus from Weight Watchers while I was pregnant with Piper, and now I'm back on it!
I'm pretty excited. Today was my first weigh-in since starting again, and I've lost 3 pounds. It doesn't sound like a lot, but I can really feel a difference already. I have more energy during the day, and I'm learning to have more self control again. Being pregnant really messes with my ability to make wise food choices...even though I didn't gain as much weight with Piper as I did with Ellie, I still ate *a lot* and probably over-did it with chocolate...and banana bread...and cookies...and chocolate. =)
Anyway, I'm so excited because Billy is doing it with me this time! He's been wanting to lose weight for a while now, and they're doing a "biggest loser" contest at work this summer, so he's pretty motivated to go for it haha. It really helps hold me accountable when we're tracking our points together. Also, I'm buying the healthy stuff for both of us instead of just me, so there's less temptation to eat the usual snacky stuff that I would get for Billy. I was curious to see how going on Weight Watchers would affect our grocery budget, since we would be buying a lot more produce than usual. Billy looked at my list for this week and said, "There's no way we're going to stay under $50!" But I worked my magic (haha) and spent $48, and bought a ton of fruit, veggies, some low-point healthy snacks, and all of the ingredients needed for meals. It also helps that I'm trying to cook from the pantry, meaning that I'm really trying to make meals based on what we already have here at home instead of buying more stuff from the store. Fortunately I've stockpiled quite a bit and already had some meat in the freezer to use for meals this week. Yes, we are having pancakes for dinner one night this week, but hey, I'm saving money, using ingredients we already have, and who doesn't like breakfast for dinner?!
I definitely have WAY more points in my daily allotment this time around since I'm nursing. Last time, I had 29 points to use each day, and this time they're giving me 40. Which may mean that my weight loss will be a little slower this time, but as long as I'm losing I'm happy! I remember last time I lost 10 pounds in the first two weeks on the program because it was such a shock to my system...I was eating really, really bad before I started haha. Then it slowed down to 1-2 pounds per week, which is my goal this time. I'm setting short-term goals along the way...right now, my goal is to lose 5% of my body weight. My starting weight is 158, and so my first goal is to get to 150. My long-term goal is to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 138...so I need to lose 20 pounds total. Three down, only 17 more to go!
I find that I'm slightly embarrassed to post my actual weight on here, but I know that it holds me accountable when other people know where I am with my weight. Even if they don't care, just knowing that someone else knows about my weight makes me more motivated to work hard. Which reminds me....I really need to get on the ball about working out. I feel like I'm pretty good at watching what I eat and tracking my points, but I have very little motivation to actually exercise. Last time I did Weight Watchers, I ended up walking a lot since I'm not real big on cardio exercise. I really hate getting all sweaty and out of breath lol. Anyway, I walked a lot with my friend Laura at the park, and we put our babies in strollers and it worked great. Now that I have two kiddos, I feel a bit more intimidated about it. I have a double stroller, but my excuse in my head is that Piper cries a lot when she's tired and doesn't seem to fall asleep easily when we're out...but honestly, it's not an excuse. If it came down to it, I could put her in the sling and wear her against me when walking, because she does sleep when in the sling. In a perfect world, I would have a gym membership and go to some kind of exercise class 3 days a week...that would be my ideal workout scenario. I'm such a student at heart...if I'm in a class working out, I work SO much harder because I want to be the best, and I don't care about being sweaty or out of breath because I'm so extrinsically motivated to do better than everyone else. When I spell it out like that it sounds terrible and self-centered, but I'm just a perfectionist at heart haha. Great example: last summer while I was on Weight Watchers, I tried out a Bikram yoga class. You know, the "hot" yoga...where you sit in a room at 105 degrees and 40% humidity and do all these crazy contortionist poses. One of the most challenging things I've ever done physically...but I enjoyed it because I was with a bunch of other people. They even told me the first time I went there to not bother trying to do the poses, but to just breathe and stay in the room (since the heat is really overwhelming and your natural instinct is to run out of that room haha). I attempted every pose, even at my first class, because I'm motivated by being around other people.
Anyway, so I need to figure out a workout routine that would work for me. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love the hear them! Also, my other goal right now is to increase how much water I'm drinking. I'm really bad about drinking enough fluids anyway, and on top of that I'm nursing so I *really* need to guzzle water as much as possible. My goal right now is to drink three full Camelbak bottles each day, which is about 75 ounces of water. Gotta stay motivated! =)
I'm pretty excited. Today was my first weigh-in since starting again, and I've lost 3 pounds. It doesn't sound like a lot, but I can really feel a difference already. I have more energy during the day, and I'm learning to have more self control again. Being pregnant really messes with my ability to make wise food choices...even though I didn't gain as much weight with Piper as I did with Ellie, I still ate *a lot* and probably over-did it with chocolate...and banana bread...and cookies...and chocolate. =)
Anyway, I'm so excited because Billy is doing it with me this time! He's been wanting to lose weight for a while now, and they're doing a "biggest loser" contest at work this summer, so he's pretty motivated to go for it haha. It really helps hold me accountable when we're tracking our points together. Also, I'm buying the healthy stuff for both of us instead of just me, so there's less temptation to eat the usual snacky stuff that I would get for Billy. I was curious to see how going on Weight Watchers would affect our grocery budget, since we would be buying a lot more produce than usual. Billy looked at my list for this week and said, "There's no way we're going to stay under $50!" But I worked my magic (haha) and spent $48, and bought a ton of fruit, veggies, some low-point healthy snacks, and all of the ingredients needed for meals. It also helps that I'm trying to cook from the pantry, meaning that I'm really trying to make meals based on what we already have here at home instead of buying more stuff from the store. Fortunately I've stockpiled quite a bit and already had some meat in the freezer to use for meals this week. Yes, we are having pancakes for dinner one night this week, but hey, I'm saving money, using ingredients we already have, and who doesn't like breakfast for dinner?!
I definitely have WAY more points in my daily allotment this time around since I'm nursing. Last time, I had 29 points to use each day, and this time they're giving me 40. Which may mean that my weight loss will be a little slower this time, but as long as I'm losing I'm happy! I remember last time I lost 10 pounds in the first two weeks on the program because it was such a shock to my system...I was eating really, really bad before I started haha. Then it slowed down to 1-2 pounds per week, which is my goal this time. I'm setting short-term goals along the way...right now, my goal is to lose 5% of my body weight. My starting weight is 158, and so my first goal is to get to 150. My long-term goal is to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight of 138...so I need to lose 20 pounds total. Three down, only 17 more to go!
I find that I'm slightly embarrassed to post my actual weight on here, but I know that it holds me accountable when other people know where I am with my weight. Even if they don't care, just knowing that someone else knows about my weight makes me more motivated to work hard. Which reminds me....I really need to get on the ball about working out. I feel like I'm pretty good at watching what I eat and tracking my points, but I have very little motivation to actually exercise. Last time I did Weight Watchers, I ended up walking a lot since I'm not real big on cardio exercise. I really hate getting all sweaty and out of breath lol. Anyway, I walked a lot with my friend Laura at the park, and we put our babies in strollers and it worked great. Now that I have two kiddos, I feel a bit more intimidated about it. I have a double stroller, but my excuse in my head is that Piper cries a lot when she's tired and doesn't seem to fall asleep easily when we're out...but honestly, it's not an excuse. If it came down to it, I could put her in the sling and wear her against me when walking, because she does sleep when in the sling. In a perfect world, I would have a gym membership and go to some kind of exercise class 3 days a week...that would be my ideal workout scenario. I'm such a student at heart...if I'm in a class working out, I work SO much harder because I want to be the best, and I don't care about being sweaty or out of breath because I'm so extrinsically motivated to do better than everyone else. When I spell it out like that it sounds terrible and self-centered, but I'm just a perfectionist at heart haha. Great example: last summer while I was on Weight Watchers, I tried out a Bikram yoga class. You know, the "hot" yoga...where you sit in a room at 105 degrees and 40% humidity and do all these crazy contortionist poses. One of the most challenging things I've ever done physically...but I enjoyed it because I was with a bunch of other people. They even told me the first time I went there to not bother trying to do the poses, but to just breathe and stay in the room (since the heat is really overwhelming and your natural instinct is to run out of that room haha). I attempted every pose, even at my first class, because I'm motivated by being around other people.
Anyway, so I need to figure out a workout routine that would work for me. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love the hear them! Also, my other goal right now is to increase how much water I'm drinking. I'm really bad about drinking enough fluids anyway, and on top of that I'm nursing so I *really* need to guzzle water as much as possible. My goal right now is to drink three full Camelbak bottles each day, which is about 75 ounces of water. Gotta stay motivated! =)
Friday, June 1, 2012
Exhaustion
Today was seriously one of those days. You know, the ones where you feel like so many things go wrong and you just can't catch a break. I've definitely experienced that today.
Last night was just plain terrible. Piper didn't sleep well at all...I felt like she cried all night, but realistically it was probably less than that. I had to feed her three times in the middle of the night, which was really hard to do after she'd been sleeping through the night earlier this week. It just kinda came out of nowhere...not sure if it's a growth spurt, or something I ate, or she's not getting enough calories throughout the day...who knows. Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep last night.
Today we went to Chick-fil-A, which was great. It was so nice to get out of the house and hang out with a friend. Everything was fine until it was time to leave, and then Ellie just threw a huge temper tantrum because she didn't want to leave the indoor playground. Totally understandable considering she's not even two years old and doesn't really comprehend that I needed to leave and get home to feed Piper, but it was still embarrassing. Picture her screaming in the most shrill voice possible. I comforted myself by saying that I'm not the only mom who has gone through this in the middle of a restaurant. Haha.
So we get home and it's nap time. I put both girls down for naps, and Piper just isn't having it. She cries on and off for her entire nap. She would get quiet for 20 minutes or so, then cry, then get quiet. Back and forth like that the whole time. And Ellie was quiet for maybe 45 minutes, and then she was awake and ready to get up. And she's been taking 3 hours naps pretty much every day this week, so I know she really needs more sleep. I was hoping to take a nap while the girls slept, but it just didn't work out.
I guess I'm just really worn out. I love being a mom to my two girls, but there are days when I feel like I just have nothing left to give. I take care of Ellie and Piper all day and night, and sometimes I don't feel like I'm Kristen anymore. Which is fine to a certain extent, because part of who I am is "Mom" now, but I also need to just be me sometimes. Most days, I'm able to do this. During nap time I'll read a book and relax....no cleaning, cooking, or taking care of kids. But on days when nap time doesn't work out the way I would like, I don't really get that relaxation time, and by the end of the day my nerves are completely frazzled and I feel like I'm on the verge of crying or screaming or ripping my hair out. I know I'm not the only person who feels like this...I think most moms go through all these different emotions at one point or another.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm just flat out exhausted. I don't want to wish Piper's baby days away, because she really will be grown up in the blink of an eye. But I am desperate for some kind of predictability...especially at night. I don't know how long I can do the "up all night" thing.
I love my girls and I love being a stay at home mom...but there are days when it takes everything within me just to put one foot in front of the other.
Last night was just plain terrible. Piper didn't sleep well at all...I felt like she cried all night, but realistically it was probably less than that. I had to feed her three times in the middle of the night, which was really hard to do after she'd been sleeping through the night earlier this week. It just kinda came out of nowhere...not sure if it's a growth spurt, or something I ate, or she's not getting enough calories throughout the day...who knows. Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep last night.
Today we went to Chick-fil-A, which was great. It was so nice to get out of the house and hang out with a friend. Everything was fine until it was time to leave, and then Ellie just threw a huge temper tantrum because she didn't want to leave the indoor playground. Totally understandable considering she's not even two years old and doesn't really comprehend that I needed to leave and get home to feed Piper, but it was still embarrassing. Picture her screaming in the most shrill voice possible. I comforted myself by saying that I'm not the only mom who has gone through this in the middle of a restaurant. Haha.
So we get home and it's nap time. I put both girls down for naps, and Piper just isn't having it. She cries on and off for her entire nap. She would get quiet for 20 minutes or so, then cry, then get quiet. Back and forth like that the whole time. And Ellie was quiet for maybe 45 minutes, and then she was awake and ready to get up. And she's been taking 3 hours naps pretty much every day this week, so I know she really needs more sleep. I was hoping to take a nap while the girls slept, but it just didn't work out.
I guess I'm just really worn out. I love being a mom to my two girls, but there are days when I feel like I just have nothing left to give. I take care of Ellie and Piper all day and night, and sometimes I don't feel like I'm Kristen anymore. Which is fine to a certain extent, because part of who I am is "Mom" now, but I also need to just be me sometimes. Most days, I'm able to do this. During nap time I'll read a book and relax....no cleaning, cooking, or taking care of kids. But on days when nap time doesn't work out the way I would like, I don't really get that relaxation time, and by the end of the day my nerves are completely frazzled and I feel like I'm on the verge of crying or screaming or ripping my hair out. I know I'm not the only person who feels like this...I think most moms go through all these different emotions at one point or another.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm just flat out exhausted. I don't want to wish Piper's baby days away, because she really will be grown up in the blink of an eye. But I am desperate for some kind of predictability...especially at night. I don't know how long I can do the "up all night" thing.
I love my girls and I love being a stay at home mom...but there are days when it takes everything within me just to put one foot in front of the other.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Adjusting to Our New "Normal"
It's been a few weeks since my last post and I have a few minutes of quiet, so I thought I'd do a quick update. Piper turned 5 weeks old yesterday...I can't believe how quickly time has gone already! I think we've finally gotten things figured out around here and are comfortable in our new "normal." It has certainly been challenging with many crying episodes among Ellie, Piper, and me, but we're surviving =).
Piper has been an interesting baby so far. When we came home from the hospital, we started having issues with her sleeping. Most newborn babies sleep all the time (or it seems that way) but Piper was fighting sleep and got into the habit of skipping naps between feedings, so she would be awake for several hours at a time, which equaled A LOT of crying. This went on for the first couple of weeks and I was going crazy. It seemed like no matter what I did I could not get her to sleep. Holding, swaddling, pacifier, feeding...none of it worked. I'm a very emotional person when my hormones are fluctuating, so obviously I was a total wreck. I'm also one of those people who needs sleep...I don't do well at all when I'm sleep deprived, and to be at my best I need 9 hours of sleep. I know that seems like a lot, but that's just my personal sleep number. So needless to say the first few weeks of Piper's life were pretty overwhelming.
I think I have *finally* figured out the "tricks" to get Piper to sleep. With Ellie, she was pretty easy. All she needed was a super tight swaddle and maybe some white noise to go to sleep (and of course, she needed to be at an angle due to the whole spit up problem). Piper also needs to be swaddled, although she does not like it. Ellie would instantly calm down after being swaddled, and Piper usually throws a fit. However, if I leave her unswaddled she flails her arms constantly and won't sleep. If she actually falls asleep, she wakes herself up by squirming or scratching her face. So I swaddle her in those handy-dandy velcro wraps that are *amazing* and then wrap her in a fluffy blanket to keep her warm. Ellie was definitely a hot-natured baby and would overheat really easily...and Piper is the opposite. I think part of the problem was that I would get her asleep and then set her down somewhere and she would wake up because the surface was cool. So I wrap her in a warm blanket and hold her for a few minutes to make sure she's nice and warm, and then I can set her down. We're still using the pacifier on and off during the day for naps, simply because it's a quick fix and it can help her chill out enough to fall asleep amidst all the noise of a dog and toddler running around. However, someone has to be close by to pop it back in her mouth when it falls out (which drives me nuts, by the way). We definitely don't use it at night because as soon as it falls out she starts crying and it just makes the whole falling-asleep process longer.
She's still sleeping in our room, although she's in my walk-in closet because I was going crazy with all the little baby noises she makes in her sleep. I was also getting her out of the bassinet to feed her before she was truly awake because of all the noises. I would hear grunting and think she was ready to eat, when really she was just in an active stage of sleep. She's doing great sleeping at night now...she only cries for about 15 minutes and then falls asleep. And for the past 6 days or so she's been sleeping at least 6 hours in a stretch, with the past few nights at 7-8 hours. I know I shouldn't expect her to continue doing this every night since she's only 5 weeks old, but I'm enjoying it while we have it. Ellie was 10 weeks when she started consistently sleeping through the night, and Piper appears to be on her way to doing the same (maybe earlier than Ellie?!).
We're doing Babywise with Piper, just as we did with Ellie and so far things are going well. I know that there's a lot of controversy over Babywise, but it really truly works for our family. I don't think it works for everyone because, obviously, all babies are different and all parents are different. Everyone has a different philosophy on how to raise children and there is no universal right or wrong answer, but rather what works well for you and your baby. With that being said, Babywise fits with my personality and parenting style, and it has worked well for our children. I'm not hardcore Babywise...we don't follow a specific, timed schedule where every feeding is at the exact same time every day. I know people who do this and love it because that fits their personality, but I would go crazy trying to follow that type of schedule because I'm just not a schedule person. I did the flexible routine with Ellie when she was a baby (and honestly, we still do that) and it worked so well that I figured we'd do the same with Piper. Basically, I let Piper wake up when she wants to in the morning and then plan all of her subsequent feedings off of that time. So if her first feeding is at 6:30 am, then the next one will be around 9:30, then 12:30, and so on. If she wakes up at 7:30 the next day, then her feedings will be at 10:30, 1:30, etc. This just works well for us since I don't really keep to a schedule anyway. I just make sure to wake her up for each feeding on the 3 hour schedule...occasionally I'll let her sleep a little longer, maybe 3 and 1/2 to 4 hours depending on how the day is going. And if she seems hungry before the 3 hours I'll feed her. Honestly, Piper has set her own schedule at this point. I really just follow her lead now since she's accustomed to the 3-ish hour routine.
So now that we've kind of figured things out, I feel like I'm starting to become myself again. For a while, I was having a lot of meltdowns and experiencing a lot of stress and anxiety. I get stressed out easily anyway, so the early stages with a new baby are difficult for me. I had the same feelings when Ellie was a baby, so this definitely isn't new to me. I guess I just get overwhelmed easily when my babies cry and I feel like it's hard to cope with everything all at once. I called my mom very frequently (often crying) because I was just too overwhelmed to handle things and needed another adult to calm me down. I'm thankful that I've been getting more sleep this week, as I think it's really helped with my ability to handle stress in a more reasonable way. I don't feel quite as emotional as I did before, so hopefully my hormones are starting to stabilize a little and I will start to get back to my normal self.
Now that Piper is a month old, she's really starting to show her personality. This week she started smiling, cooing, and focusing on objects/faces. She definitely loves attention right now and doesn't like to be put down very much...she seems happiest when she's able to look at someone's face and listen to them talk. I know I'm biased, but I think she's the cutest baby ever =)
We're doing Babywise with Piper, just as we did with Ellie and so far things are going well. I know that there's a lot of controversy over Babywise, but it really truly works for our family. I don't think it works for everyone because, obviously, all babies are different and all parents are different. Everyone has a different philosophy on how to raise children and there is no universal right or wrong answer, but rather what works well for you and your baby. With that being said, Babywise fits with my personality and parenting style, and it has worked well for our children. I'm not hardcore Babywise...we don't follow a specific, timed schedule where every feeding is at the exact same time every day. I know people who do this and love it because that fits their personality, but I would go crazy trying to follow that type of schedule because I'm just not a schedule person. I did the flexible routine with Ellie when she was a baby (and honestly, we still do that) and it worked so well that I figured we'd do the same with Piper. Basically, I let Piper wake up when she wants to in the morning and then plan all of her subsequent feedings off of that time. So if her first feeding is at 6:30 am, then the next one will be around 9:30, then 12:30, and so on. If she wakes up at 7:30 the next day, then her feedings will be at 10:30, 1:30, etc. This just works well for us since I don't really keep to a schedule anyway. I just make sure to wake her up for each feeding on the 3 hour schedule...occasionally I'll let her sleep a little longer, maybe 3 and 1/2 to 4 hours depending on how the day is going. And if she seems hungry before the 3 hours I'll feed her. Honestly, Piper has set her own schedule at this point. I really just follow her lead now since she's accustomed to the 3-ish hour routine.
So now that we've kind of figured things out, I feel like I'm starting to become myself again. For a while, I was having a lot of meltdowns and experiencing a lot of stress and anxiety. I get stressed out easily anyway, so the early stages with a new baby are difficult for me. I had the same feelings when Ellie was a baby, so this definitely isn't new to me. I guess I just get overwhelmed easily when my babies cry and I feel like it's hard to cope with everything all at once. I called my mom very frequently (often crying) because I was just too overwhelmed to handle things and needed another adult to calm me down. I'm thankful that I've been getting more sleep this week, as I think it's really helped with my ability to handle stress in a more reasonable way. I don't feel quite as emotional as I did before, so hopefully my hormones are starting to stabilize a little and I will start to get back to my normal self.
Now that Piper is a month old, she's really starting to show her personality. This week she started smiling, cooing, and focusing on objects/faces. She definitely loves attention right now and doesn't like to be put down very much...she seems happiest when she's able to look at someone's face and listen to them talk. I know I'm biased, but I think she's the cutest baby ever =)
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| My precious munchkins! |
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| Silly face |
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| Such a ham! |
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| Sweet little sister =) |
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Piper's Birth Story
Hi everyone! I feel like I've been gone from the real world for the past week, trying to adjust to having a newborn again. I've taken a hiatus from my normal activities, like grocery shopping (or going out in public in general...so hard for me!) and I'm just now finding a little spare time throughout the day to check email and read my favorite blogs. Piper is now one week and one day old...hard to believe that I had surgery only a week ago!
Even though I had a c-section and never went into labor, I still want to share Piper's "birth story" with everyone...mostly because I tend to have an overwhelming curiosity about other people's birth experiences, and I'm sure I'm not the only person out there who likes to read about babies being born =).
So last Friday, April 13th, I woke up super early to start getting ready to head to the hospital. I had to arrive between 8:30 and 9 am, and I wanted to make sure I wasn't rushed or going crazy that morning trying to get ready. I also wanted to have a little time with Ellie before we left, since it would be our last morning with just one baby girl. When Ellie woke up, I went in to get her out of her crib, and just instantly started crying as soon as I saw her. I'm not really sure why, other than I was feeling extremely emotional about having another child and knowing that Ellie wasn't going to be my "baby" anymore. I held and rocked her, trying to get a few last minutes of snuggle time before we left. Billy's mom came up to stay with Ellie while we were in the hospital, so she took over caring for Ellie while we finished getting things together.
We got to the hospital at about 8:40 and they immediately took us back to finish registration and get all of our information. We were then escorted up to the maternity floor and sent to the triage department to prep for surgery. I had a WONDERFUL nurse named Annie who did all of my pre- and post-surgical care...I am so grateful to have had a kind and understanding nurse, since this was a very new experience for me and I didn't know what to expect. It was so strange because I had had a previous c-section, but had no memory of it and therefore had no idea what was going on. It was also really weird just sitting on a bed answering questions, knowing that our baby would be born in a couple of hours.
Preparing for the surgery was very fast-paced...they asked TONS of questions, took blood, started an IV, had me change into an insulated gown that was horribly hot (and then let me change into a normal gown because I was sweating so bad lol), asked more questions, had the anesthesiologist come in and talk to me about the spinal block procedure, talked me through the surgery so I would know what was going to happen, etc. There were maybe a few minutes that Billy and I were alone; otherwise there were nurses and doctors in my room spewing information and asking questions. Although it was very fast-paced (and slightly overwhelming), I never felt freaked out about it, which really surprised me. I was kinda afraid that I would arrive at the hospital and immediately start crying and carrying on....but I didn't. Billy and I joked and laughed, and talked about what we thought Piper might look like. We took pictures and were overall pretty relaxed. I don't think I ever felt really nervous throughout the whole thing. I just kept focusing on the fact that our daughter was being born and that I might as well make this a pleasant and fun experience.
Once they were ready, I was escorted to the operating room. Billy sat outside for about 15 minutes while they got me ready. I sat on the table and the anesthesiologist put a numbing shot in my back (which stung but wasn't too awful) and then placed the spinal block. Within a minute of having the spinal, I felt a warm tingling sensation move from my waist down to my feet. It was so fast and felt very strange. They quickly laid me down on the table and got me all situated (they had to tilt the table at an angle so that I was laying on my side so that the weight of the baby wouldn't lower my blood pressure). I remember feeling a little weird like I couldn't take a deep breath, but I just tried to remain calm and not think about it. My legs also felt weird...they were completely numb, but I felt like my knees were bent a little (even though they were completely straight) and the doctor said that you can sometimes get a "phantom" feeling and your legs will retain the feeling of the last position they were in when the spinal was placed. I asked the nurses to keep talking to me so that I wouldn't panic (I was so afraid that I would freak out during the surgery and they would have to put me to sleep), so thankfully everyone kept talking to me and asking questions about Ellie and my previous birth experience. You would think it would be more stressful for me, laying on a table getting ready to have surgery, to explain to everyone in the operating room how I had eclamptic seizures, an emergency c-section, and didn't meet my baby until she was 4 days old...but it was actually very calming for me. It reminded me how different this experience was, and it kept my mind off all of the weird sensations I was having while laying on the table. Anyway, the doctor tested to make sure that I was completely numb, and then Billy was allowed to come in.
They started surgery...Billy sat next to me and held my hand, we talked and kept asking each other if we were okay, and I kept asking if he had the camera ready because I wanted to make sure he got a picture as soon as possible. The doctor also talked to us while he was cutting through the layers (sounds gross, but it was calming for me to hear him talk about my scar tissue being minimal from my previous surgery and telling me that he was getting through each layer of skin). Within 15 minutes, Piper was born at 10:55 am. They immediately lowered the blue curtain and held her over so that I could see her sweet little face before they took her to clean up a little. Billy went to cut the umbilical cord and take pictures while they rubbed her down...then he wrapped her in a blanket and brought her to me. I was able to touch her face and talk to her for a few minutes, and then she and Billy went to the nursery. The doctor then started closing me up, which took about 25 minutes I guess. He used dissolvable stitches under my skin to close the incision so that I don't have to have staples removed later (thank goodness!). During this part of the surgery I started to feel kinda drowsy. I'm not sure if it's because they gave me some medicine after Piper was out (I was adamant that I didn't want anything in my system that I didn't absolutely need, at least until Piper was born to reduce her exposure to the medication). I know the anesthesiologist gave me something to help prevent nausea right after Piper was born, since I have a family history of vomiting post-surgery (it sounds silly, but both my mom and grandmother have this reaction anytime they receive anesthesia and it is so unpleasant). And then it was over, and the nurse and anesthesiologist moved me into a maternity room. They had it set up as a temporary recovery room with lots of equipment and monitors for my recovery period, which lasted about an hour, and then removed all that stuff so that it was just a regular room.
Billy came to be with me while I was recovering; Piper was in the nursery being cleaned up and suctioned. She had a lot of mucous and amniotic fluid in her body that was kinda stubborn and took a while for the nurses to clear out (another reason vaginal births are better for babies...but that's neither here nor there haha). Once I had been in recovery for about 30 minutes and they still hadn't brought Piper to me I became very anxious. I made it very clear before she was born that I wanted her in my arms as soon as possible, mainly because she's my child and I want her with me and I also wanted to start breastfeeding as soon as possible, since my separation from Ellie made breastfeeding a huge challenge and eventual failure last time. My nurse explained about the mucous problem, so I gave them another ten minutes and then I became very demanding. It had been an hour since she was born and I needed to see and hold my baby. I started choking up trying to explain this to my nurse, and she told me she would bring her to me. She asked if it mattered that she hadn't been bathed yet and I was like, "Seriously, I don't care!" At that point Piper could have been covered in any kind of nastiness and I wouldn't have cared at all. The nurse immediately left the room and 5 minutes later I had Piper in my arms (another reason I loved my nurse). I was able to nurse her for about 20 minutes and then they took her back to the nursery to finish messing with her. I was sad that I couldn't hold her longer, but understood that they needed to bathe her and clear out the mucous situation. That's the only thing I would change about this hospital...they require the babies to be in the nursery for any and all treatments. If the pediatrician is evaluating her, she has to be in the nursery. If she's getting a bath, she has to be in the nursery. Kind of annoying, but at least I wasn't separated from her for very long.
After that, my family came in to visit and then a little while later Piper came back to me (for good this time!). The nurse asked who wanted to hold her first (since my whole family was in there) and I immediately said, "Me!" since I had been deprived of her before that lol. I did share her with everyone else after I had had some time to hold and get to know her. =)
I stayed in the hospital until Sunday, and then we were both discharged. I am glad to be home, but it has certainly been a challenge getting used to our new "normal." Ellie has reacted very well to Piper and is *generally* very gentle and sweet around her. She's had a few big sister bully moments, like stealing Piper's pacifier out of her mouth and then running away with it, but other than that she's been great. The hard part has been adjusting to getting up in the middle of the night again (I have been spoiled by Ellie...sleeping through the night since she was 10 weeks old!) and learning Piper's likes and dislikes. Ellie HAD to be swaddled in order to sleep...Piper doesn't seem to like it. Ellie hated the pacifier, and Piper can't seem to stop searching for something to suck on. Ellie was pretty easy in that she would nap after every feeding...and Piper (at least right now) has a very hard time napping until about 2 or 3 in the afternoon. So she's very alert and awake from her morning feeding around 7-8 am until the mid afternoon, which makes for a very fussy, overtired baby and a very frustrated mommy. Thankfully, though, the past couple of nights have been better and she's gone back to sleep after I feed her in the middle of the night. The first couple of nights we were home she would become extremely alert after eating at night and would stay awake for 2 or 3 hours until I would feed her again and she would finally sleep. I have no clue why she won't sleep in the morning, because she's obviously very tired, and I think I've tried just about everything...swaddling/not swaddling, pacifier/no pacifier, bouncer, swing, boppy pillow, holding her, nursing her, rocking her, burping her, gas drops...and so far we haven't found the magic charm. I know it's just a phase and that this whole newborn period is only a season of her life, but it's hard to see beyond it when you're in the middle of it.
I am forever grateful to everyone who prayed on our behalf...even though I didn't have the natural VBAC I had wanted (and I will likely never have that opportunity again), I had a great c-section experience and my recovery has been wonderful. My pain in the hospital was minimal (I ended up taking one Percocet and the rest of the time I just took ibuprofen) and I'm not on any prescription medications now that I'm home. I haven't been restricted at all post-surgery (just told to have common sense about what I do) and have been able to drive my car, lift Ellie, go up and down the stairs, do laundry, cook, etc. A week after my surgery I feel completely normal and have no pain. I have been able to breastfeed successfully so far, which has been a huge answer to prayer for me since it was such a struggle with Ellie and I had so many painful emotions over it when I decided to stop trying after three weeks. It's certainly not easy or pain-free, but I keep reminding myself that this is worth it! At Piper's first doctor's visit (5 days old) she was only an ounce under her birth weight (and had gained 9 ounces since being discharged two days before!).
For those folks who have been praying for us, thank you! And I would be forever grateful for your continued prayers as we adjust to this new season of our lives. I have had some emotional ups and downs (standard for the postpartum days but still unpleasant!) and I really dislike being that crazy mom who cries over strange things, like expressing the desire to get out of the house and then refusing to go when I have the opportunity (poor Billy just about ripped his hair out over that one lol). Anyway, these are stressful days for us but we are so grateful to have a healthy baby girl and that I'm perfectly healthy and recovering well. It has certainly been *completely* different this time around and I praise God for it!
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| Piper Josephine Ephraim April 13, 2012 7 lbs. 10 oz. and 19 in. |
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Coming to the end....
This has definitely been a reflective past few days for me, knowing that Piper will be born sometime this week. I had my 40 week appointment last Friday, which was my due date. I've hesitated writing about it, because I guess everyone knows my feelings by now about the scheduled c-section, but I feel like writing today so here it is.
I spent the entire doctor's appointment crying. I know that seems ridiculous. It kinda is. But remember, my hormones are insane right now, and I'm going to have to do something I don't want to do...so I think I kinda had the right to cry on Friday, haha. Anyway, my appointment was pretty early in the morning, around 8:30, so I was probably the first patient to see the doctor that morning. At 9:15 they still hadn't called me back, and about 10 or so people had come in after me and had already been called back, so I asked the receptionist if everything was okay. She checked on the situation for me...come to find out, there was some kind of glitch in their new computer system and the nurse didn't know I had checked in, so she hadn't called me yet. Very frustrating for me.
So they finally call me back, and the nurse (one I've seen once before) starts asking me questions like, "So why are you having a scheduled c-section?" (hello, it's in my chart!) and "Did you have high blood pressure in your first pregnancy?" (again, read the info lady). Then we start going over the information for my c-section on the 13th, including what time it's scheduled for and when we're supposed to arrive at the hospital. When I scheduled it, they gave me a piece of paper that said it would be at 10 am...and now the nurse says 11:30, but I was never notified of that. She then tells me that it was rescheduled for 3 pm, then moved again to 11:30 am. I'm so confused by then, and I tell the nurse that I was never told of it being rescheduled and that she needs to double check the information and get back to me.
So she leaves me in the room with a piece of paper that reviews the risks involved in a c-section that I need to read over before seeing the doctor. I sit there reading this sheet and become completely overwhelmed because it's talking about things like blood loss/need for transfusion/risk of HIV infection, uterine infection/hysterectomy, uterine rupture, injury to the baby, etc. and I'm thinking, "Really...they're basically forcing me to have a c-section and then they want me to sign my consent based on reading all the risks, which sound way worse than just letting me go to 42 weeks and hoping for a VBAC." So then I start crying and freaking out. I now realize that I made a huge mistake in not making Billy come to the appointment with me. I probably would have had much more self control with him there, and even if I didn't he would be there to calm me down, since he's just about the only person who can get me calm and happy after a huge emotional episode. So I try to calm down but I just can't...and then the doctor walks in and he's like, "So, are you ready?!" in this happy excited voice and I'm like, "NO!" Haha...he then realizes that I'm not happy and I'm freaking out, so he sits down and asks me what's going on. He was actually VERY kind and understanding, and listened to all of my fears and worries and concerns. We talked about what happened with Ellie's birth and why my c-section experience was so not normal. He reassured me that this experience will be different, and then walked me through the entire procedure. I was still crying and carrying on through all of this (so props to the doctor for actually being able to talk while I'm hyperventilating and carrying on with tears and snot all over the place...and kudos to him for not laughing at me, since I probably looked ridiculous). I left the office feeling better...although still not happy about the surgery. But I just don't really have a choice. These are their rules, and I guess I could always reject their advice, but then I'd be forfeiting my ability to be a patient at that office and I'm pretty sure they're more "natural-friendly" than the other office here in town. Plus, I understand their concerns, especially since I've had a previous c-section and the risks for an induced VBAC far outweigh the risks of a repeat c-section.
Needless to say, I'm still pretty bitter about it. And angry. And frustrated. And pretty much any other negative emotion you can think of. I know this could be SO much worse...and logically I know that I have so much to be thankful for, considering how terrible my birth experience with Ellie was. I've been reliving that experience this week, trying to get a better perspective on things. I was kinda hoping that thinking about how awful her birth was would help me see this one in a better light, but so far it's not really working. I feel pretty confident, though, that this c-section will be a million times better than my last one, and that after it's all said and done on Friday I won't care one bit how Piper was born, just that she's safe and healthy and that I get to hold her.
Poor Billy...he has been SO patient with me through all of this...all of my ranting and raving and carrying on about how this isn't right or fair. He's been very understanding and supportive, for which I am so very thankful. I know it can't be easy for him, listening to me talk about this constantly. And especially because I feel like I'm crying all of the time (an exaggeration; but seriously, at least once a day at this point). God truly blessed me with a husband who has unending patience with me and who also gives me grace on a daily basis. I am SO thankful that Billy will be with me in surgery on Friday...there is no possible way I could do this by myself, especially without him. I'm fairly certain he'll be sitting next to me cracking jokes and coming up with new nicknames for Piper (a special talent of his). Just today he referred to her as "Chumpkin Numero Dos" (one of his nicknames for Ellie is "Chumpkin") and "The Squeakquel"...lol.
I would appreciate any prayers from folks who read this...especially prayers that God would give me peace about how things have turned out. I don't even need God to show my why I'm not having a VBAC...just that I would have peace about it and come to terms with how things have ended up differently than I anticipated. Because if God is allowing me to have a c-section, then I know there's a purpose behind it. I might never know what that is, but it doesn't matter. I just want to be okay with it and stop being angry over it. At this point, it doesn't look very likely that I'll have a VBAC...I guess there's still a slight chance it could happen, but the doctor today said it's not "favorable." So, realistically, it's probably not going to happen. God can still work a miracle in my body (which would be amazing!), but I understand at this point that I need to mentally and physically prepare myself for the surgery. So it's time for me to move forward, get over my bitterness and anger, and just look forward to holding my precious baby girl in three days. Three days! And on Friday the 13th...hehe =)
Thank you all for bearing with me during this time...I know I have probably been the most annoying person ever, constantly ranting and raving about this one thing. Soon, it will be over, and then I'll be talking non-stop about how amazingly cute Piper is and how stressful life with two kids under two is. Stressful, but wonderful! =)
I spent the entire doctor's appointment crying. I know that seems ridiculous. It kinda is. But remember, my hormones are insane right now, and I'm going to have to do something I don't want to do...so I think I kinda had the right to cry on Friday, haha. Anyway, my appointment was pretty early in the morning, around 8:30, so I was probably the first patient to see the doctor that morning. At 9:15 they still hadn't called me back, and about 10 or so people had come in after me and had already been called back, so I asked the receptionist if everything was okay. She checked on the situation for me...come to find out, there was some kind of glitch in their new computer system and the nurse didn't know I had checked in, so she hadn't called me yet. Very frustrating for me.
So they finally call me back, and the nurse (one I've seen once before) starts asking me questions like, "So why are you having a scheduled c-section?" (hello, it's in my chart!) and "Did you have high blood pressure in your first pregnancy?" (again, read the info lady). Then we start going over the information for my c-section on the 13th, including what time it's scheduled for and when we're supposed to arrive at the hospital. When I scheduled it, they gave me a piece of paper that said it would be at 10 am...and now the nurse says 11:30, but I was never notified of that. She then tells me that it was rescheduled for 3 pm, then moved again to 11:30 am. I'm so confused by then, and I tell the nurse that I was never told of it being rescheduled and that she needs to double check the information and get back to me.
So she leaves me in the room with a piece of paper that reviews the risks involved in a c-section that I need to read over before seeing the doctor. I sit there reading this sheet and become completely overwhelmed because it's talking about things like blood loss/need for transfusion/risk of HIV infection, uterine infection/hysterectomy, uterine rupture, injury to the baby, etc. and I'm thinking, "Really...they're basically forcing me to have a c-section and then they want me to sign my consent based on reading all the risks, which sound way worse than just letting me go to 42 weeks and hoping for a VBAC." So then I start crying and freaking out. I now realize that I made a huge mistake in not making Billy come to the appointment with me. I probably would have had much more self control with him there, and even if I didn't he would be there to calm me down, since he's just about the only person who can get me calm and happy after a huge emotional episode. So I try to calm down but I just can't...and then the doctor walks in and he's like, "So, are you ready?!" in this happy excited voice and I'm like, "NO!" Haha...he then realizes that I'm not happy and I'm freaking out, so he sits down and asks me what's going on. He was actually VERY kind and understanding, and listened to all of my fears and worries and concerns. We talked about what happened with Ellie's birth and why my c-section experience was so not normal. He reassured me that this experience will be different, and then walked me through the entire procedure. I was still crying and carrying on through all of this (so props to the doctor for actually being able to talk while I'm hyperventilating and carrying on with tears and snot all over the place...and kudos to him for not laughing at me, since I probably looked ridiculous). I left the office feeling better...although still not happy about the surgery. But I just don't really have a choice. These are their rules, and I guess I could always reject their advice, but then I'd be forfeiting my ability to be a patient at that office and I'm pretty sure they're more "natural-friendly" than the other office here in town. Plus, I understand their concerns, especially since I've had a previous c-section and the risks for an induced VBAC far outweigh the risks of a repeat c-section.
Needless to say, I'm still pretty bitter about it. And angry. And frustrated. And pretty much any other negative emotion you can think of. I know this could be SO much worse...and logically I know that I have so much to be thankful for, considering how terrible my birth experience with Ellie was. I've been reliving that experience this week, trying to get a better perspective on things. I was kinda hoping that thinking about how awful her birth was would help me see this one in a better light, but so far it's not really working. I feel pretty confident, though, that this c-section will be a million times better than my last one, and that after it's all said and done on Friday I won't care one bit how Piper was born, just that she's safe and healthy and that I get to hold her.
Poor Billy...he has been SO patient with me through all of this...all of my ranting and raving and carrying on about how this isn't right or fair. He's been very understanding and supportive, for which I am so very thankful. I know it can't be easy for him, listening to me talk about this constantly. And especially because I feel like I'm crying all of the time (an exaggeration; but seriously, at least once a day at this point). God truly blessed me with a husband who has unending patience with me and who also gives me grace on a daily basis. I am SO thankful that Billy will be with me in surgery on Friday...there is no possible way I could do this by myself, especially without him. I'm fairly certain he'll be sitting next to me cracking jokes and coming up with new nicknames for Piper (a special talent of his). Just today he referred to her as "Chumpkin Numero Dos" (one of his nicknames for Ellie is "Chumpkin") and "The Squeakquel"...lol.
I would appreciate any prayers from folks who read this...especially prayers that God would give me peace about how things have turned out. I don't even need God to show my why I'm not having a VBAC...just that I would have peace about it and come to terms with how things have ended up differently than I anticipated. Because if God is allowing me to have a c-section, then I know there's a purpose behind it. I might never know what that is, but it doesn't matter. I just want to be okay with it and stop being angry over it. At this point, it doesn't look very likely that I'll have a VBAC...I guess there's still a slight chance it could happen, but the doctor today said it's not "favorable." So, realistically, it's probably not going to happen. God can still work a miracle in my body (which would be amazing!), but I understand at this point that I need to mentally and physically prepare myself for the surgery. So it's time for me to move forward, get over my bitterness and anger, and just look forward to holding my precious baby girl in three days. Three days! And on Friday the 13th...hehe =)
Thank you all for bearing with me during this time...I know I have probably been the most annoying person ever, constantly ranting and raving about this one thing. Soon, it will be over, and then I'll be talking non-stop about how amazingly cute Piper is and how stressful life with two kids under two is. Stressful, but wonderful! =)
Friday, April 6, 2012
Consignment Shopping!
Yesterday I was able to go to Harrisonburg's twice-a-year children's consignment sale, The Village Closet. Back when we lived in Lynchburg I always tried to go to Kidz Kraze and usually found some super-cheap clothing there, and so when we moved to Harrisonburg I immediately googled for something similar. I was so excited to know that we have one here and as soon as it became available I signed up for the new moms pre-sale (being pregnant definitely has some perks!). I was able to get in to the sale before it opened to the public, meaning I could get some of the good stuff before it was gone AND not have to fight a huge crowd, since the pre-sale had a cap on the number of people who could come.
I didn't have a big shopping list...really, all I needed were some basic clothes for Ellie. Piper has tons of clothing already (lots of precious new things we've gotten as gifts from family, plus PLENTY of hand-me-downs from Ellie and cousins Brooklyn and Bethany). I made a list of things I wanted to try to get for Ellie, including a pair of jeans, shorts, shirts, a fall jacket if possible, and a skirt or two, and I had a budget of $35. I was actually able to get everything on the list except for the jacket...I just didn't see anything that looked like it would work for her. I'll probably find something at either the next sale or when Old Navy does the performance fleece sales in the fall. I got a fleece jacket for Ellie last year for pretty cheap from Old Navy when they had that sale and I think it was about $5, a decent price in my book!
Anyway, I was so excited to leave the sale with 13 items for $23! Ellie now has 7 "new" shirts, 3 pairs of shorts, a skirt, a pair of jeans, and a skirt with built-in leggings. The "skirt leggings" and jeans were both from Baby Gap, and they were only $2.50 each and looked like they had never been worn. And some of the shirts and shorts were only $1, which I couldn't believe!
Of course, I couldn't go to a children's clothing sale and not look at the little baby clothes...but I just couldn't bring myself to buy anything because Piper has so much already. I did, however, buy two precious headbands for Piper from my friends Dawn and Alissa from Crafted in Grace. They had an adorable booth set up at the sale with handmade bows, headbands, and bowties. I found a super-cute flower headband in white (which I figured would go with anything!) and a plain headband that I can use to clip regular bows on. I have a ton of bows left over from Ellie...so now that we have a headband, hopefully we'll be able to use them more this time around! I spent $6 on these, so I spent $29 total...$6 under my budget! =)
Ellie and I had a good time shopping, and I'm so thankful we got a few needed items (plus some fun, cute things!) for great prices.
I didn't have a big shopping list...really, all I needed were some basic clothes for Ellie. Piper has tons of clothing already (lots of precious new things we've gotten as gifts from family, plus PLENTY of hand-me-downs from Ellie and cousins Brooklyn and Bethany). I made a list of things I wanted to try to get for Ellie, including a pair of jeans, shorts, shirts, a fall jacket if possible, and a skirt or two, and I had a budget of $35. I was actually able to get everything on the list except for the jacket...I just didn't see anything that looked like it would work for her. I'll probably find something at either the next sale or when Old Navy does the performance fleece sales in the fall. I got a fleece jacket for Ellie last year for pretty cheap from Old Navy when they had that sale and I think it was about $5, a decent price in my book!
Anyway, I was so excited to leave the sale with 13 items for $23! Ellie now has 7 "new" shirts, 3 pairs of shorts, a skirt, a pair of jeans, and a skirt with built-in leggings. The "skirt leggings" and jeans were both from Baby Gap, and they were only $2.50 each and looked like they had never been worn. And some of the shirts and shorts were only $1, which I couldn't believe!
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| My loot for Ellie |
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| Aren't these precious?! Can't wait to see Piper wearing one =) |
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